Life And Times Of A Stitch Witch

Still Sick...

2009-12-27T16:38:00.000-08:00

You know, this is kinda sad. The first time in months that i'm posting and i'm sicker than a tabby out in the pouring rain. my ears are plugged, my nose is clogged, and my chest is congested. I think i probably have a feaver too but I'm not sure and to hell with checking cos then grandma will make me go in and i'm not in any mood to do that right now. But hey on the plus side I got myself a laptop. Its pretty and black and its got a big screen and I love it cos I can sit in bed and still be on the computer. though this mya put a damper on things if i do nothing but sit in bed on the computer. no i'm sure i wont do that. once i feel better (hopefully within the next few days) i have a lot of chores to catch up with.

Yey for Head Colds!

2009-12-26T14:41:00.000-08:00

Argh. I feel like shit. Shit on a stick actually. You know how the comercials say that your head blows up? Yeah I feel like a baloon. I hate being sick. People keep telling me 'well the sooner you're sick the sooner you'll feel better' which I think is bull shit. I've been sick for the past month. I dont know what to do. :(

I gots a cold...

2009-12-26T02:37:00.001-08:00

*snezes* its four thirty in the morning and guess what woke me up? my damn runny nose. so guess what i'm doing now? blowing my nose with paper towel and wishing i had nyquil. i have gatorade for my yucky throat but otherwise i'm kinda screwed for the rest of the night. oh well. i have this lovely laptop that my little brother let me borrow since my computer decided to go caput. i dont know why but technology hates me.

oh and by the way? this awesome template was custom made by spirit herself and i love it!

New Layout- JUST TEMPORARY

2009-11-22T10:43:00.000-08:00

I know that some of my fellow blog buddies will be mad at me for uploading a template from pyzam, but its just a temporary fix i swear! I'm learning how to do HTML codes from spirit and I just need something to put up in the meantime. I didnt want my blog looking Half- Finished, so I'm going to be testing my new skills out on Random Ramblings. For those of you who have not switched from RR to here, I urge you do so because that is now just a...well, Random blog that I am going to be using as a tester. Whilst I do that I will also be getting back into the swing of things so to speak, getting things together for my grand re-opening of Stitch Witch. I will have giveaways, raffles, and auctions going on whenever i get the template where i want it to be. But for now, toodles!

2009-10-31T21:06:00.000-07:00

I'm just SHHAKING! Its Nano in an hour, and I've had three rockstars. I've made my nest now i just have to find something to pass the time. I dont know if I'll even be able to write! I'm shaking that freaking badly. I should have forgoed the last rockstar...NANO!

Tagged!

2009-10-21T11:03:00.001-07:00

*screams in horror* AAARG I've been tagged! Te-he I've been tagged for the A B C's Survey of Me by the wounderful Sally from Suburban Hooker. Its a great kick-start to the Stitch Witch! So, here it goes...

A - Age: 18
B - Bed size: Full
C - Chore you hate: Cleaning my room...which I have to do almost every day!
D - Dog's name: Roxy
E - Essential start your day item: A cigarette...though I'm trying to quit!
F - Favorite color: Pink, like, hot bright omg pink
G - Gold or Silver: SILVER
H - Height: five foot six inches
I - I am: an aved pet owner and in love with my yarn XD
J - Job: none...unless you count student!
K - Kids: none, thank the good goddess!
L - Living arrangements: with my grandma and my best friend Jess
M - Mom's name: Sandra Jean Anderson (RIP March 29, 2001)
N - Nicknames: Nikka, Nikki, Pixie, Crystal, Pinky

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: last one was friday for a swine flu scare
P - Pet Peeve: people who take advantage of others!
Q - Quote from a movie: And so the Lion fell in love with the lamb...Edward Cullen, Twilight

R - Right or left handed: i can use both
T - Time you wake up: seven thirty ish
U- Underwear: yes, and granny panties
V - Vegetable you dislike: beats, BLECH
W - Ways you run late: not waking up on time
X - X-rays you've had: back, lungs, heart, teeth

Y - Yummy food you make: everyone seems to like my meat loaf...
Z - Zoo favorite: tigers

Now for my tags:

Spirit from Written Whispers

Crystal from Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper

Jess from Just Plain Ol' Me

Random Post

2009-09-28T19:10:00.002-07:00

THis is a random post in my new blog, Life and Times of a Stitch Witch! Random Randomness, random randomness, some tralala

Random Randomness

2009-09-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally got paied today. Yey me! 1200 bucks, this month and last month's 600 boxed into one. Thank the lord on high someone must have been looking out for me, because we were running out of money. So we went to see mike, went shopping, and I came home and paied both my credit card and my cell phone. Now we have 400 bucks left. Out of a massive 1200 bucks, we have four hundred left. Lovely, eh? I dont know if i'm going to be getting next month's on time, since this month was trying to re instate everything. But hopefully everything will come in on time and i'll be able to get into a decent schedule. I've been buying a lot of 'First' magazines and magazines like that, trying to find tips on losing weight. The one thing that I fight is motivation. I just dont have the energy to do ANYTHING. There are days where Im totally energized and ready to do anything, and there are days that it takes four energy drinks and a cup of coffee to get me out of bed. I just wish there was a way to regulate these types of things, some way to get rid of the days when I feel blah and get more days when i feel like i can do anything. I know that a lot of it is up to me, but i just dont really know where to start. *sigh* some things are just to big in concept, an di dont know how to breka them down. I wish someone could help me.

2009-09-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

At one time, this would have been true. Oh, those happy days. A Thousand Words Thursday, find the link at Cheaper Than Therapy

Lonley Day

2009-09-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today was a very lonely day for me. I now realize that I'm never going to have Jake as a boyfriend again, and it really stinks, due to the fact that I care about him so much. I've tried flirting with other people, but I guess my flirt o matic is broken. I even signed back up to some of my old chat sites, but no one seems to want to talk. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, considering the fact that its been so long since I've tried finding someone. Right now I just want someone to talk to, laugh with, hang with. Is that so much to ask? And school is such a pain. It takes all my energy every day not to smack some of these kids, and when I get home I'm exhausted. I slept from two thirty to six today, and of course my body is telling me I'm no longer tired, but I am. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of trying to be normal, tired of trying to fit in. Tired of trying to get everything straight, and tired of being me. I know this sounds stupid. But I just want to be a normal 18 year old girl, who's supposed to be in college and having fun and making new friends. I want to be skinny, popular, and liked. I want to have a mom and a dad that actually care, that want to help me. People don't know how lucky they are. I hear complaints every day about how their parents are so evil. At least they have parents! I have grandma. I love her dearly, but she does not get what i'm going through. I miss my mom, and I want a dad. Or at least my brother to actually understand, to call, to want to be part of my life. It seems like when he graduated from high school he just left, out of our lives. I used to be so close with him and mike, but now they're people I dont even understand. I just want to fit in somewhere.

Came up with a name-Roxy

2009-09-21T16:28:00.000-07:00

This dog has become a master of scratching and running at the same time. I just got her a collar, because in town every dog has to have a collar and tags (still working on the second part) and she despises it. She's continuously scratching, no matter what. She has come up with a game to chase the cats and she runs and scratches at the same time. Sometimes she just plops down and scraches at it, then continues running. Its rather interesting to see four cats being chased by a dog smaller than their poo (and for Midnight, my biggest cat, that is totally true!)

Things are doing all right otherwise. Today was court for Mike, and Howard appeared by phone. After an hour and a half of courtroom mumbo jumbo, the decision was that he was to stay in Badgerland as a full time patient. Which is a good thing, since he wanted it that way. In three weeks there will be another court hearing, this time to see if he can go home. I highly doubt he's going to be able to come home right away like that, but here's to hoping. then, we got the oppertunity to take him back to Eau Clare. From Neilsville. An hour and a half drive. *sigh* but we went, got dogfood, and came home. Now that stupid yipper wouldnt shut up when we dropped in because I had to go to the bathroom (breakfast of Burger King wasnt very good for the tummy) so we took her along. And she would not sit still for anyone else but me. Once we got home, all she did was follow me around for an hour before finally settling down, and going and doing her own thing. Speaking of which, I should probably go find her......... ROXY!!!!!!!!

yawn (not so) Lazy Saturday...

2009-09-19T17:17:00.000-07:00

All right, so today was anything BUT lazy. At 5:50 am sharp, my new puppy woke me up by biting my nose. She wanted off the bed, NOW. So I put some clothes on and took her outside, where she ran around, then climbed back into my lap. I took her inside, and she promptly pees on my floor. I take her back outside, where she decides she'd better go, and does her business. I come back inside to lay down, while little miss bundle of energy hops around the room for about an hour before I calm her down enough to go back to sleep. I get a very rude awakening at ten, when one of my cats decides to jump up onto the bed, only to find my puppy sleeping. I hear a very inhuman screach and lots of clattering and i sit up to find the puppy looking like "What? What did I do?"

Grandma decides we need to go see Mike, so we're out the door before I can even grab a bite to eat. When we get there, everyone goes "AWWW" and wants to hold the puppy, whom we leave at Badgerland (where Mike is currently staying) while we all tromp off to the library. We grab a bite at Burger King (where we are swamped by hornets, at which point I am chased around the car by three) and then spend an hour looking for the Chippewa Public Library. We passed the darn thing FIVE TIMES! Mike and I grab some books, and we go off to Shopko with a quick detour into Walmart. Then, realizing we had gone over our hour, race back to Badgerland. Grandma wants to visit, so I decide to go over to see my friend David. Who is in jail. I get in there, wait, get put into a small ass room, wait, get my purse taken away, wait some more, before finally getting to talk to David over a TINY screen for five minutes. I spent two and a half hours and they cut me short because there was a 'security breech'. One of the other visiter's kids got into something it wasnt supposed to.

When we get into the car, the puppy wouldn't stop whining so I'm pushing 80 all the way home to find that she just wanted a drink of water. *sigh* I clean my room while she's messing around, fighing her new collar, and chewing up my teddy bear.

Yeah, my day was a mess of confusion. But this is a typical weekend. Tomorrow, hopefully, will be quieter. Though I bet anything that ten to six the dog will be waking me up to do the same thing.

I'm planning on crocheting some baskets to 'raffle' off to make some extra money. We have none. They took away mike's check ( $900) and mine ($600) and grandma's kindship ($400). Before that we barely made ends meet. Right now we are living off of $900 a month. Which covers half of the bills. Hopefully, stupid SSI will be getting my checks back to me sometime this month (which is like holding your breath for a full fifteen minutes straight, aka not gonna happen) . I'm planning on making a 'bath' basket, a 'girly' basket, and a 'manly' basket, along with trying to sell some of my original creations. I'm also going to be getting rid of some of my yarn stash, though how much is still in the thinking process. So if anyone has any ideas on what to add, let me know.

Better Pix of Puppy

2009-09-17T16:52:00.000-07:00

Better pictures of my puppy as requested by Sally! I'm not sure what I'm going to call her, my brother wants me to call her Pixie, but i'm not sure. Here sh'es playing with a cat toy that she decided is the enimy. Attack!

PUPPY

2009-09-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

I GOTS A PUPPEH!! She's part Chiwowa (i know I didnt spell that right but right now i dont care) and part shitzu and part teacup poodle. you moslty see the shitzu and the chiwowa but i dont care she's uber cute and sweet. I'm thinking I'm gonna call her Pixie. Just had to make a quick post before bed. Night!

Blog Hop Tuesday

2009-09-15T15:55:00.000-07:00

All right, so for awhile I have been following a wounderful lady's blog, and she does all kinds of posts about different things. One that I have been thinking about joining, is Blog Hop Tuesday. This week's theme is art, so this is the Lucky Cat that I made last year in art class. I hope I'm doing this right!

My Owliver Fuse!

2009-09-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

Awhile back, one of the blogs I follow posted this pattern for a Sansa Fuze case. I immediately went looking for my fuze, thinking that I'd make the pattern right away. Well, I must have put it in a pretty good place because I never found it, but I did get a new one from Shopko. As soon as I got home, I immediately picked up my crochet hook and set to work. And this is what came out of it! I used Red Heart Super saver for the whole thing, and spare buttons for the eyes and closure on the back. Thanks for looking!

Oh, and by the way, in case the link above does not work ( I dont know my computer is pretty dumb) the blotg is called the Suburban Hooker, by a wonderfully funny woman named Sally.

2009-09-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm just kind of waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in so I thought I'd write a post. This week was a mess. I hate school, I dont even know why I tried to go back. I mean who am I kidding? I'll never pass. And forget dating. I still miss Jake, even though he's probably forgotten about me. I dont see him online even, and he always used to be online. I was thinking about sending him an email, but what would I say? I miss you? Of course I do. I miss being able to talk to him at the end of my day, I miss laughing with him, I miss hearing him say 'I love you', even though I'm not sure he ment it twards the end. Dont get me wrong, I know he ment it, sometimes. Its just so hard, I dont know what to do. I feel like I'm falling appart slowly right now and I dont know how to stop it. I've tried everything to forget about it, joined IMVU, I do all my homework like IMMEDIATELY and still I have free time. I got so much more to do on Odesey, but I dont want to work on that all the time. Well, maybe I should. I dont know.

I even lost the MP3 player that he gave me. It was sitting on my desk and now it's gone. I dont know where it went, I tore everything appart. Im going to look again, because I plan on sending it back. If i dont find it tomorrow, then I guess I'll have to send him an e-mail. And get a new one, because I NEED one for when I have my dentist appointment and now that they're allowed in school I want to take it with me. I dont know. I just feel so lost. *sigh*

2009-09-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I did some cleaning today and guess what, the shower is supposed to be WHITE!! We went and got some scrubbing bubbles from Walmart and man it really worked. After lots of scrubbing, lots of working, and lots of the stuff, I can see tile! It was pretty bad. But I got it clean, plus I mowed the back half of the yard. We also went to see Mike, and he's doing pretty good. Doesnt like the food, but what place has good food besides home? He also had a coupple of my cigarettes, (yes I'm smoking again, more than I ever did) and we went to walmart. I also got a digital camera, though fourgot to take a memory card as well. So now tomorrow I have to make a run to somewhere to get one so that I can have a digital camera.

I'm also in a crocheting mood, but I dont know what to make. Everything just seems like its either too much work or something. I dont know. I just want to do SOMETHING but nothing seems to quell the need. I dont know. Maybe I need to just go to sleep and go to school tomorrow.

Whats Wrong With ME?

2009-09-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

Why cant I be pretty? I look at all these anime girls, like the one above, and I find myself thinking that. I watch these success stories- like the ones on TLC and such. And I watch these commercials like the Ali and the Hydroxi Cut and such. I have tried things, prescription and non prescription, and nothing seems to work. At the beginning of every school year for the past 5 years I have been inspired to join the local gym, Thorp Fitness, and I end up not going. Thats money wasted. I'm watching this show about a guy named Chris Powell who lost over 400 pounds the natural way. His personal trainer is now his best friend, and they run the website Reshape the Nation. I want to join, but then I think that wait, I'll have to pay for it.

Watching these shows always does one of two things: makes me want to eat myself to death or motivates me to exorcise. Today its doing a bit of both. I want a clean house, I want a healthy body, I want to be...normal. My younger brother often asked my grandmother why he couldnt be normal. Now I wounder the same thing.

I Wish That Boy Would Stay Out of My HEAD!

2009-09-06T07:06:00.000-07:00

All right. I broke my own rules yesterday and talked to him. I had promised myself NOT to because I didnt want to be hurt. It went all right, no painful feelings, and I told him that I wanted to pay for the Computer. We agreed on a price and left it at that. Simple right? Well last night I was having a flying dream, I just wanted to get away so I was flying. All of a sudden I crash landed in this place, right through the ceiling. I landed in frount of a door, so I went in. There was Jake sitting on the bed with a picture of me in his hand. He looked up and said, "I was woundering when you'd show up." He put my picture face down in a drawer and looked up at me. He said, " I dont want you to pay for those things. I gave them to you for a reason, and I want you to keep them." I told him I wasnt looking for cherity, and it was different when we were dating. He said " I still want you to just take them. I gave them to you because you didnt have anything. The computer especially." We talked for awhile more, and ended up fighting. I mean I screamed at him, 'Why are you doing this?! I just want to be left alone!' And he screamed back, "Because I still love you!" I remember I spread my wings and whispered, "Don't." before flying out of there. I woke up with a sore throat and I was crying.

I dont know if that was a purpousful dream or not, but I have a feeling it was. I'm going to have to switch up CDs or something so that he cant follow my sleep patterns, even on accident. I cant deal with even dreaming about him right now. He hurt me way to badly. I cant deal with it! Well, I can because I obviously am, but still. Why cant he just stay out of my dreams? Stay away? Thats what he wanted, to be away from me. Otherwise he would have accepted my offer.

Life update

2009-09-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

God damn it. He did it again. He broke my fucking heart. Damn him. This time, I didnt even see it comming. It just sort of happened. I was talking to him, and I said that if he ever wanted to date others he could. You know girls say those things, knowing the guy will take them up on it, but not immediately. Its like a code of conduct. But no, he didnt read the rule book. He took me up on it that second. I had to think and get over the shock, and gave him an offer. A damn good one at that. I said he could date but if he wanted to have sex we're done. And thats a pretty good deal concidering you know? Well, he didnt like it, so I said take the offer or dump me. Guess what he did? Fucking ass hole.

I dont think I'm going to date for another three years. At least. Because this just sucks. And if I DO date, it'll be girls. Because they wont do this..

Mike got taken away a few days ago. We had court on guess what? First day of school. And the judge declared my grandmother UNWORTHY of taking care of him. Mike, for the most part, wasnt takeing care of himself. He woudlnt take his blood sugar, wouldnt take his meds, would only eat under the cover of darkness, and GRANDMA is unworthy? The boy needs a good swift kick in the gonads if you ask me. But I know its the best that he's in foster care. Eventually he'll be able to come home but for now it takes a lot of stress off grandma and me. Now I can focus on school- and actually pass this time.

Yeah, I'm in school. Getting called a retard for going back but I'm there. I need three credits to graduate so hopefully I'll get them. They have to re-figure out Odyssey because it doesn't work right now, which doesn't surprise me. Mrs. Hein *Goddess I hate that woman* had a baby *poor little girl* so she's out right now. So I basically sit there for two hours twiddling my thumbs. Which is ok, for the most part, I get a lot of reading done. But I dont want to think and those two hours gives me time to think. I just want to work. I know I wont have the same attitude in a few months but right nwo I just want to work.

2009-09-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

I LOST MY MP3 PLAYER!!!

2009-08-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

Ok. I have no idea where my Sansa Fuze went. I looked everywhere. And when I actually need it, its gone. GONE!! I need it when I go to the dentist and of course a dentist appointment HAS to be coming up. AAAARG! I dont know where it is. I looked everywhere. I'm gonna need a new one. I NEED music while I'm doing the whoel ZZZ ZZ ZZZZZ thing with the dril. I dont know where to look next! I mean I cleaned off everything and I cant find it! (is in total panic mode)

Randomness

2009-08-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

So here's one of the backgrounds I was thinking about using for the new blog look. I dont know, its kinda still kiddish, but adult all the same. Like I've said before (I think) I really like this blog but its a bit hard on the eyes and such. And I need to come up with a new name. The Random Ramblings of A girl Named Nikka sounds good, but its a bit long. So I'm thinking about it.

Things have been going all right. *sigh* money is really really tight right now, and I just wish that I could get a high paying job. I lost the one I had at Pippi's. I cant stay on my feet for that long, I think it was mostly because of the shoes though. I am hoping that one of the Walmarts will hire me.

I'm also thinking about combining all my blogs into one, Curious Kira and Uncommon Crochet onto this blog, hence the major revamp of the title. Not many people really read either one, and this seems to be the one most people follow even though there are only 7 people. I am very greatfull for all of you, no doubt! I just iwht that I updated more. Thats my own fault though.

School is not doing to hot either. I keep calling, but no one answers. I'm thinking I'll have to go and e-mail someone or something. Otherwise I may never get a responce. I really need to get stuff moving. I seem to be making great progress but to me nothing wants to work out. Id ont knwo maybe I'm just not working hard enough?

Anyway, now that I write about it, I feel like getting something done.

2009-08-16T19:34:00.000-07:00

I found this beauty when I was looking for new blog themes. This one is a little old, and I figured its time to change. Spirit, of course, is going to be designing the new blog, but i need to come up with a theme. I'm not exactly sure what I'll do yet, but I am going to be changing the blog name. I'm not going to be a 'Teenager' for very much longer and I figured that it was time I changed courses. I love this blog, the theme and everything on it, but like I said, its time for a change.

I was hoping to work today, but I didnt. She was suposed to call me. I got a job as a cook at Pipi's Firehouse bar and resturant, and I think I might have blown it my first day. My feet hurt so so much, I couldnt even walk after two hours. TWO HOURS. I hope she calls me back. In the meantime, I hope to get a job at Hardee's in Marshfield working with Lizz's girlfriend, Chelsea. She's a manager. Hopefully, if things go right, I'll be able to move there by January. I have a pretty good grip on the whole Spending thing, which is good. I'm going in to Marshfield tomorrow to apply, and MAYBE I'll get in. Liz pretty much garanteed me a job, but I'm not so sure about it.

I also hope to get a digital camera tomorrow. I have a choice between that and World of Warcraft, and the whole needing pictures thing won. I need pictures of pretty much everything to put it up on my blog, on the 'ville, everything. Plus the whole thing about taking disposables is getting pretty old.

I've decided I'm going to studdy more Wicca. I was raised a devout Christian, but the whole 'God shal smite thee" thing got old after fifth grade. And the other 'modern' churches are obsessed with exorsisms. Besides, I feel more comfortable with wicca. I'm not going to be a devout anything really, just my own personal thing. Because Wicca, or the forms I've seen, do not believe in evil. I think Dianic Wicca does, but the classic form doesnt. And trust me, I know evil exists. And I refuse to worship any 'horned god' because it reminds me too much of Satan. I'm not going anywhere near that stuff.

I've started belly dancing. Its actually pretty fun once you get over the whole sucking your bellybutton to your spine thing. Jake thought it was the same as sucking in your gut. WRONG! Its so much harder. Try sucking in your gut, like you were to impress someone, then try sucking your bellybutton straight back. Much tougher. And you have to maintain that for hours on end. I've been tryin to practice every chance i get, but its rather hard to keep up becuase you always have to think about it.

My meds have been doing all right. They took me off Prozac and Bupropin and put me on Lexipro. Hopefully it'll help, but I havnt been feeling any different at all. I need to get everything straightened out and fast. I need to make an appointment with Crossroads and Dr. Peter and soon. I was suposed to have one last monday but I had to go to the dentist instead. And guess what they found? Another cavity. In my frount teeth. I've been brushing but not flossing and it shows. I hate flossing, my teeth are so jagged it tears the floss and I hate that feeling.

Anyway, I should probably go ahead and get ready for bed. Pop a new CD in and hopefully it'll get rid of the nightmares. Night everyone!

Help....

2009-08-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

I dont want to go to sleep. I dont want to go to sleep. I've been having the worst nightmares, and not even about Terry. I dont want to go to sleep. I feel like no matter what I do its wrong. I dotn want to go to sleep. I dont want to take my pills because then I'll have to go to sleep. I dont want to. I feel like shit. Everythings out to get me. Today was crappy. I dont want to go to sleep. I dont know what to do. I cant deal with Jake doubting again. I've been doing everything I can. I didnt even get to talk to him like I wanted. I got upset and he hung up. Everything's shot all to hell. No matter what I do its wrong. Goddess, please save me.

Being 18....SUCKS!!!!!

2009-08-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

I just realized something.....being 18 SUCKS big time! All my life, well, most of it, I had been getting social security benifits because my mom died when I was 10. Now I turned 18, and they dont want to give me those benifits anymore. The problem is, I need them. I dont have a job, and every time I try to apply for one, especially at Walmart, I get some error message online or nothing comes out of it. I dont know what to do. I have bills that need to be paied and no money. I'm still supposed to be in high school, but they dont give benifits when i'm not 'in school' meaning over the summer. Jake just left and now all of everything is going to the doghouse. I dont even know where to start. I called the school, but Mrs. Hein *cringe* wont be in until monday. I called social security, and they're sending me paperwork that needs to be filled out by the school. To top THAT all off, I have to be a 'full time' student in order to get my benifits. Meaning, that even if I DO get a job, it'll have to be nights and or weekends. Unless the school maraculously decides to be nice to me. Then I may get out at one. But I doubt that very much. ANd then there's my meds. I have no way of knowing what I need to be taking and what I want to be taking and UGH! They put me on lexapro instead of prozac and bupropin. That takes away two of the ten thousand I take. well not really, but you get the picture here. I'm just so frustrated and lost I dont know what to do about any of this. *sigh* I'm gonna go crochet for awhile or something....

Back to the Blogging Board.....Want Some Gum?

2009-08-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to start this post for over a week. Hopefully, 10 times is the charm...or is it 11? I'm not sure. Anyway, Things have been doing all right. Jake left a few days ago, and I miss him. But we knew it was going to happen. We had two wonderful months together and I treasure every memory I have. After he left, I cried. I sobbed, but my little brother Mike-yes, MIKE!- told me to remember the good times, and I do. I remember everything. And I'm going to keep those memories with me for the rest of my life.

One of the reasons I decided to post is because I came up with a Meat Loaf recipie thats super simple and easy to make. Also, I wanted to get my blogging off before the school year starts. I'm gonna go back to high school *gag* but I need to get my HS deploma so that I can do what I wanted to do with my life. First, the Meat Loaf recepie.

Materials-

1lb Ground Beef (or Chuck)

2 Eggs

1 tsp Brown Sugar

1/2 cup Ketsup

2 cups Bread Crumbs

Large Mixing bowl

1/3 cup nonfat Milk

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Combine meat, ketsup, and bread crumbs into a large bowl. Using your hands, crush the bread crumbs into the meat. Add eggs, brown sugar, and milk, and continue to mix until blended. Place meat mixture in pre-greesed bread pan, top with some ketsup and more bread crumbs. Place in preheated oven for 1 hour. Remove, cool, and serve.

I made it for my family and it got great ratings. So great that they had me make it again the next night!

Otherwise, I havnt been doing much. Cleaning. And cleaning. And more cleaning. I still crochet like mad, and I'm actually selling some stuff now. Pandora's in Marshfield is selling some of my stuff.

You know what, i've been writing this post all day. I think that i'm done for now. Night everyone.

sigh of relief Much better.....

2009-07-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the silence. Its been a rough week. I have not been able to get ANYTHING I wanted to do done plus, my shopping got worse. But you know what? I dont care right now. Because I feel great! That tiger from frosted flakes comes to mind every time I say that. "GRRRRRRRRRRREAT!" he always says. I dont know why. But what ever.
I got myself a new notebook today and I plan on beginning the decoration and stickerfying tomorrow. And I also hope to get a camera. But that may have to be put on the back burner. i really should get a hand on my homework. i'm done with english so thats good. but anyway, gotta take my pills and get ready for bed. my jaw hurts so i thinki'm going to havew to put my retainer in. yeah, random.

Some Jokes

2009-06-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

Well, today was a pretty good day. We got to lay around and watch TV and then went and got us some candy and CHOCOLATE. All day Jake had been telling me some jokes. So I thought I'd share.

Farrah Fawcett died recently, and went to heaven. God saw her, and said,
"You have lead a very respectable life, considering all your hardships. I will grant you one wish, and do my best to make it so."
Farrah thought for a moment, then said,
"The one thing that I wish for the most is that all the children of the world be safe."

So Michael Jackson died.

**

So did you hear about the real story? About Michael Jackson's death? Yeah, he died of food poisoning.

He ate a 7 yr old weiner.

**

Thats all I can think of right now... TTYL yall....

Sleeping Demons....

2009-06-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

They say let sleeping dogs lie. What about sleeping dragons? Or demonic little brothers who refuse to do what they're told even though its whats best for them? Yeah. I'm in a bad mood. I tried everything to get Jake to get up and he still wont get up. Plus, Mike had an appointment at nine thirty with Dr. Peter, and he refused to go. What is he going to do later about Mickon? What about tomorrow, when he has to see Karen? Its like a game to him. He pisses everyone off in the house, then he feels better. We try everything we know how to get him to get up. Bribes, threts, everything. Nothing works. Everyone pay attention to the little brat in bed. Only then is he happy.

This is rediculous. I mean seriously. What kind of kid does that? He just likes to piss everyone off. I wish that I could just STRANGLE him. Its times like this that I wish I didnt have to quit smoking.

Random Update

2009-06-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

Well, nothing much going on right now. Just got done working on a cake that has to be put in the oven, working on my room, got all the clothes out, watching Law and Order, life's good. Well, sort of. I still have to get tghe rest of the stuff put away and the stuff on my bed back onto the book shelf. Just felt like I wanted to type for awhile, before I get back to work. I still need to shave my legs and take a shower preferably before the end of the night. Jake gets home around ten or so from his shift, a cover shift. Personally I hope that he gets more of them, since it would help him save up money. Things are getting pretty tight around here. I still have my spending problem, but I think that I've been doing pretty good trying to keep it under control. And Jake's been trying to reign in my eating habits, which tie into that spending habit. I still have horrible cravings for sweets. But today I threw away the remenants of the final pack of cigarettes I was saving, and I'm done. I'm done smoking. I just want to be done with all that crap that goes along with it. I have enough to worry about, I dont need the potential of cancer to top it all off.

Oh, speaking of my health. I passed out the other day. Jake and I were *ahem* kissing and according to him, I was hugging him when I suddenly said, "Oh dear," and stopped moving. The next thing I remember Jake was picking me up and putting me into the chair, and my head was just spinning. We couldnt figure out what was wrong, so finally I went to the Emergency Room. Stupid idiot doctor there, perscribed some sort of antibiotic for a 'sinus' infection. I dont have a sinus infection! I took the first day's set anyway, and that whole day I felt off. Wierd, depressed, a coupple thoughts of suicide crossed my mind. Of course I never acted on any of them, but it scared me that they were there. The next day, before I took my pills, I checked out the perscription, and the medication that the doctor perscribed me counteracted half of my other meds. Needless to say, I was pissed.

Anyway, yeah. I have my room just about done and Jake just got home so I'm going to get ready for bed. Night!

hiss The SUN! It BURNS!

2009-06-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

I knew there was a reason I stayed out of the sun. It burned me! ME! I never used to burn! My little brother was the one that always burned. Not me! But today Jake and I decided to go swimming by Rock Dam. It was really really hot out today and so we thought hey, it'll be nice right? Ugh. No. Wrong. Not only do I have horrible tan lines, they arnt even tan lines! They're BURN lines! Jake got burnt worse though. His whole upper body is red. I wince just looking at him. I'm hoping that once we get some aloe vera tomorrow *knew we shoudla picked that up* it'll start to hea. We've been alternating between ice packs and cold towels soked in water to try to get the burning down. I dont think that mine is too terribly bad, but he insists that he has to have some sort of coolness on my back. I love him so much, he thinks of me first.

How Do You Manage a Horny Dragon?

2009-06-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

I love Jake. We all know this. I love him with all my heart. He means the world to me. But when a teenage boy's labito meets a dragon's? Thats troubble. And thats what I have.

In the beginning, it was all right. But now my body is not very happy with me and frankly, I need a break. I'd like to just cuddle and kiss. But cuddling and kissing leads to smooching and touching, and so on and so forth. *sigh*

I wish that I could satisfy his apitite but it just doesnt work.

Other than that though, life has been wounderful. We fell into a very well rounded routine and he's helped me along the way when it comes to quitting and such. Today we went down to Rock Dam, and went swimming. It was nice to see him without a shirt and know that I wont be pounced on. But secretly, I love that too. It means that he's attracted to me. ME! Of all people. He wants me. I love the way his eyes get darker when he sees me take off my clothes. But that doesnt mean that I want him at that moment!

Yesterday we mostly laied around the house, went for a walk, and a coupple days ago we started nightly workouts. We do as many push ups and sit ups as we can before we get exausted. I'm hoping to get stronger so that when I go to the gym dont look like a total woss.

What else...I dont know. Generally things are doing ok. I'm alive. He's alive. He's with me. Life's good.

2009-06-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

Boy, its been awhile since I have posted on my blog. Life just tends to get busy and things like this get pushed to the background. But thats ok, I guess. Not many people really look at my blog anyway XD

Well, lets see. Jake's here. *dances* he's actually here HERE and not only for a few days. He's spending the summer with me! We've been waiting for this for a year and a half, and finally, FINALLY we're here. Right now he's on his way home from work, and he should be home soon. I hope. We had a rough night last night, I passed out and we went to the emergency room. They found out that I had an inner ear slash sinus infection, whatever that means. I'm kinda skeptical because the doctor that diagnosed me doesnt know english very well so I think all he knows how to say is 'sinus infection' but they discharged me so maybe i really do have one.

I've decided to quit smoking. Its been rough, especialy since I have cravings like ALL THE TIME but I gues if I really want to quit i'll get over it. I'm heading a Crochet Along on my crochet forum but I dont know if thats going to help me. Ultimately, it is my decision.

Right now though I think I'm going to go work on my purse. I'm pretty tierd. TTYL.

I wish this spinning would stop.....

2009-05-23T18:35:00.000-07:00

I dont know why but my head keeps spinning. Ever since I took my shower and then put lotion on. I think this lotion is not very good for me or something. Usually I dont like to put lotion on, because it gets greesy, but I do after my showers. But for some reason this stuff just doesnt agree with me. I dont know. I havnt been feeling right the past coupple days now. I feel tierd, and I dont want to do anything. I feel like no matter what I do it'll still be wrong, so why bother? Jake is suposed to come sometime but nothing is certain now. I dont know what to think. He keeps saying that he'll get here. I wish that I could figure it out. I'm feeling really tierdly random. I want to write but I dont want to write. I dont know what to do. Maybe I'll go take another shower.

Responding

2009-05-22T18:05:00.000-07:00

The letter to myself, in the post below, was written while I was a freashman. I know, it shows right? That was such a long time ago. It doesnt seem like it though, when I'm reading that. It seems like I'm just talking to myself. Well, in a way I am I supose. So I figured that I'd answer some of my own questions to myself.

Well, my weight went up. I weighed 191 then, and I weigh 210 now. That doesnt seem like much but when you think about it it really is a lot. I'm working on it though. My hair is Pink and Black again, just recently dyed, though its not long as it was then. It used to be down to my sholders. now, it just barely reaches my ears in the frount!

Obviously, I no longer have that ring. I lost it soon after to Terry McClure. I regret it now, because it really did mean a lot to me and I was hoping to give it to the man I love. It was a beautiful rose ring that was silver, and I adored it. But now, I have a new promise to myself. I have another ring on my left hand middle finger, a knotted heart, reminding me that no matter what, I'm still strong and I'm still me.

I'm still best friends with Lizz, though I dont talk to any of the others anymore. April, every once in awhile, comes over and bugs me on the computer, but otherwise Lizz is the only one I see anymore. Which is perfectly fine with me after everything else I've been through, dating Justin a coupple months after Terry, then Jon after that. I really wish that I could reach back in time and tell myself that Terry was a bad person, but I guess I cant now. I cant believe I actually had a crush on the bastard.

I dont talk to any of the online people anymore, not even Casey. I regret not talking to him but, we grew apart. Things got hard for me and he didnt come online anymore. The others either got mad at me or just got annoying.

Grandma won the costody battle but we never got anything from Howard after that. That was probably the only thing he's ever done out of love for us kids.

When I read that letter, I can see in my mind's eye how much I've changed. Back then, I was so nieve and carefree, now the burdens of life weigh my sholders and hamper my thoughts. But thats all right. Reading that letter reminded me of my goals, my passion for life. I used to write a lot. All the time in fact. I think I'll pick it up again. But then I wasnt very independant, not like I am now. I'm not perfect, far from, but at least I know that. I also know that I can achieve my goals, no matter how hard it may seem. I had faith in myself then, and I've found that faith now.

No More Classes, No more Books! No More Teacher's Dirty Looks!

2009-05-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

Finally, school is done. No more school for me, unless I chose to go to college. No more going back to that horrible high school. Today is my first day of freedom, my first day of Summer! Whoo Hoo!

Today, I had to go and bring Jessica her yearbook at the school. The rest of them are having graduation practice, and of course, I'm not invited. But anyway, Mrs. Hein gave me this letter. I wrote it to myself four years ago, on my first day of Freashman year. I forgot all about doing that. I'll type up what I wrote to myself:

Dear Nikka,
Hey there. Big senior now, huh? Well, I'm proud of you. And I'm so glad that you were able to make it this far. I'm sure mom would be proud of you, because I know I am.
Well, I guess I should start out with my weight height, and such. Right now I weigh 191 lbs, and my height is 5' 6". My eye color is sunburst brown, and I have glasses. (I hope to have contacts in the near future) My hair has been pink and black, black, blonde, and red and black. Right now it is brown, but I'm thinking of dyeing it to black again or maybe even pink and black in the near future. I have a ring-which I hope you still have- that signifies my abstinence from sexual activities and reminds me of my promise to myself never to hurt the other person. It is on my left hand, middle finger. I pray that I still have it: it means so much to me right now.
My best friend in the entire world is Elizabeth Ellen Radzinski, or Akii Lee Rainsoul in a lot of my stories. I have enclosed some of them, but not all. Just the two that I have been working on lately. My other friends are Justin McClure, Terry McClure, Kayla Meeker, Linda Maxam, Amanda Brandow (I think) Tomas Tarndroff, Eric Harms, Charles, David, Victor, Casey, and Jon Draper.
Jon, actually, is my ex boyfriend. He and I are still friends, and I regret it every day that we separated over something so stupid as my promise to my other friends. I still care a lot about him, though. But currently I find myself in a relationship with Benji Taylor, an 18-year-old from England. He wants to come and live with me, but I'm not sure how that's going to work out.
Eric Harms is another story. He and I have known eachother for the past seven months, and just recently I have had the guts to tell him the truth about me. He surprisingly wasnt that mad at me and I hope that he and I can become closer.
Only here am I going to admit my self that I have a crush on Terry McClure. He's a senior so I'm probably never going to have a serious relationship with him, but I'm glad to call him one of my closest friends.
My group of friends contsists of all of the above, but the ones I hag out with frequently are April Turenne, Terry, Justin, and Lizz. We hang out all the time and we are called the "Goths" of the school. April, she and I arn't really that close, but I hope that we can become closer.
Right now we are going through the gbattle with dad for custody of us. Grandma is suposedly going to be getting permantant custody us us by next March. I hope it goes through; I hate my dad, and I dont want to have anything to do with him. Reminder to myself: Dont invite him to graduation. He'll just disapoint you more than ever.
This is just one of those things I really look forward to in teh future. Being in a healthy relationship with someoneI love. Maybe it will be Benji, maybe it will be someone else. But for now, though, I'm glad I have the knowledge to help others in their own paths to true love. Right now as I write this letter, there are so many things going through my mind about how you are. Are you and Elizabeth still friends? Are you still talking to Eric, or Jon? Did Grandma finally let you have your own pet for company? How did getting a license go? So many questions, so few answers. But I am very paitent, and I am very, very proud of you.
You are a part of me as I am a part of you, so follow my advice, and stay true to your own path. Don't let anyone else tell you what you can and cannot do, Nikka. Because otherwise, you wont turn out to be me. You'll turn out to be someone you're not; the puppet of everyone else's life. Its happened, I'm ruse you can remember it. More than once you've fallen from your road and into someone else's life, and you became what they wanted you to be. Ther eis nothing else I can give you, my friend. And I look forward to the time when we finally cross paths, and the wounds of life are sealed forever.

Love always and forever,
Nikka Regina

Shop-a-holic Mayhem

2009-05-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

All right, I have a problem. A big one. One that may just ruin my life if I dont take care of it right now. Its also one that I think a lot of american women have. Its called impulsive shopping.
I walk into a store, I see something cute or shiney or pretty and I automatically throw it into the cart. At the end of the hour I have a full cart. I realize this, and i go to a far corner of the store and I empty it. Well, most of it. The rest I take back to grandma to buy, or with me to the check out. If i have my check book with me then there is NO stopping me. Today, I went to the Family Dollar. I went for bedsheets, came out with 91.00 worth of stuff that I didnt need. And the real kicker, I didnt have enough money in my checkbook. I had like 82 dollars, thanks to my other trip yesterday to Walmart. I went in for a bathing suit. It cost 33. I didnt need any of the other things, I just WANTED them. Now, how am I going to cover that Nine something that I was over? I have no idea. I also got myself a Credit Card. Mistake. Of chourse, I didnt go on a shopping spree with it, which is good, but I also spent money like I was a millionare. Subway for everyone! Yeah, right.
What am I suposed to do now? I know I have this problem but every time I go into ANY store, be it the grocery store or a mall, I have to buy something. I've noticed though when I have cash and a limited ammount of it I dont spend as much. Am I suposed to carry cash around for the rest of my life?

Someone, if you read this and have the same problem as I, please help. I dont know what to do and I'm very lucky that I cought it now.

Ramblings

2009-04-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

I really havnt rambled in awhile and its all starting to build up so I decided while waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in.

Well, first and formost, Jake and I are back together. I'm pretty happy about that. We had been apart since February 15th and he finally made up his mind that he loves me and wants to see if we can really work. A big DUH but men are slow like that. Like i always told him, just make your head listen to what your heart already knows. Now we're planning on moving in with eachother this summer to see if we can live togehter without killing eachother. The only thing to do now is count down the days and scramble to find the money and things we'll need before the end of may. I'm doing my best but we'll see what happens.

School is being stupid. I'm not graduating this year, which i already know. But now SS is telling me that i HAVE to graduate from this school in order to continue recieving benifits which makes no sence because once i graduate i'll not be recieving any benifits anyway. They're a load of shit. I dont know what else to do though, I mean if i dont get the benifits grandma cant make ends meet i mean she already cant make end meet so they're just being stupid. *sigh*

I kinda put crochet on a sort of mini break so that i cant work on school work, the few things that i'm behind in. But i do have my own blog about it now so thats a benifit. I'm trying to find another job or some way to sell something to make money because i'm damn poor.

Well i can feel the drowsiness coming on now. So i'll write more tomorrow.

2009-04-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

Hello, sorry for not posting for such a long time. I just had to post these pictures before I went to bed, tomorrow i'll do an update. The first is a picture in progress of Kira that I painted, the second two are pictures of my Neko cat.

Well, talk to you in the morning!

2009-04-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

Hey! I'm sorry I'm not posting a lot, but I saw this and I just had to share! I got it from THIS AND THAT who got it in an email. So, here it is, the amazing CHOCOLATE CALCULATOR!! (trust me, it works)

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

1. First, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but fewer than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ....
If you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
Amazing Chocolate Calculator! Pretty cool huh?

Tarot Reading

2009-03-07T10:01:00.000-08:00

For the weekend, I decided to go over to my best friend's house. Her name is Lizz, but she likes to be called Akii Lee mostly. Today she decided to give me a general tarot reading. And let me tell you, it was scary accurate.

The general reading told me of two distinct paths that I will have to chose between. The spread is called the Horse shoe spread. On my right is the Sward, and on my left is the Spear. The sward is a destiny fitted for a fast and direct way to get to your destiny. This road is more for if I wanted to do everything now, get it done and over with quickly. The spear is reffered to as the Wise Man's wepon. It will still cut through the trials I must travel trough, but I'll be able to enjoy the view. Both sides talked of a decision about a knowlegable man with an uncertain destiny. That is Jake, I know it is. It talks first of a decision he must make, and then one I must make concerning him. Then they both talk of my future, present hurdles, and desires. When she was reading each card to me I was thinking, wow, that is so me. My card is called the Three of Shields. It means that I am a stable person and able to make my own decisions.

Im just suprised at how accurate that reading was. Akii is still new to it (she had to use the handbook) but everything, I mean EVERYTHING was spot on. We'll just have to see what the future holds for me.

Bite Me

2009-03-04T23:47:00.000-08:00

All right, I give. I give. Ever since I read this comic I've had this...thing stuck in my head. I'm told its called a storyline. Now I havn't written in years. But this one wont leave me alone. I've been able to ignore every other little fly that came buzzing around, but not this one. This one smacked me in the face and said WRITE ME! So I am. Er, will. *winces away from smack* In the morning, when I'm more rested. Right now I just had to put it down that yes, I am going to write again. We'll see what comes out of it this time.

YAWN

2009-02-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

*Note: By reading the word 'yawn' 95% of you will yawn. Now, you'll yawn 4 times. Arnt I just evil? :D*

Its been a tiring, dreary, I-didnt-want-out-of-bed kind of week. Actually, its been that kind of month. But hopefully, with the start of March, things will start to look up. And, again, I hope, with the start of March I'll have my craft blog up complete with pictures, patterns, and recipies. Spirit, the maker of this blog as well, has been persistantly working on a craft blog for me even though I told her not to. But, of course, she is. Which I think is ok because this blog is kinda younger generationish and I dont want my C'ville buddies getting the wrong impression of me. I like this style, a lot, but still. With the flashy colors and stuff its kinda hard to read sometimes, even for me. But I still love it. So yeah, anyway, I'll probably be doing a lot of posting tomorrow. Night, everyone.

Ice Ice Baby.....

2009-02-25T06:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know its a dragon, but it was the only immage on photobucket that didnt include half naked black people flaunting their 'ice'. *rolls eyes* Anyway, Its really icey outside, to the point where the school has delayed opening for 2 hours. Yey me! Only, now I'm awake. Not so yey. But oh well. I know they'll close. They never just do a 2 hour delay. They always close.

Baby, its Cold Outside......

2009-02-24T18:23:00.000-08:00

The weather has been really nippy as of late. At first it was nice yesterday (delayed post) but then it got fridged! i was sitting by my computer with 2 sweatshirts, 2 pairs of socks, long underwear, and sweat pants, and i was still freezing! Whats up with that?

School Sucks

2009-02-23T20:00:00.000-08:00

All right, I know I screwed up. Yes, I should have gone back to school like a good little girl. I know. But seriously? Expel me because I didnt go to school? What gives?

Today I went to school for the first time in 2 weeks. The teachers were not happy. It was like walking into a graveyard at midnight every single hour. It sucked. But during my 7th hour Odessyware class (where I get to do my online courses during school time) I was cornered by Mrs. Hein and Mrs. Nickelson. They told me that they were 'concerned about the situation and how your absence impacts other students in your classes' and how 'you not coming to school is not my business but when you influence the teachers it becomes my business' both quotes by Mrs. Nickelson. They told me that if I miss any more days of school I will be turminated. Then, after the 'meeting' I went to the bathroom and called my counceler and told her about it. She wants me to get all the days I've missed so far this past year and get the ones I can excused. What good will that do? They'll just come up with some other excuse to kick me out. Its like they WANT me to fail. And frankly, I'm really sick of it. I dont feel like putting up with this bullcrap anymore. But I know I have to graduate. After I came out of the bathroom Mrs. Hein wanted me to talk about 'personal issues' and how they're impacting my school. I told her as much as I could without telling her everything, basically dodging around the subjects she presented with 'I don't know's and 'we'll see's. She didnt buy it but the bell rang before she could get me into her inner office. I like having that time in her outer office during 7th hour because then I have some time to just chill for awhile while doing my online school work.

I asked Jake for help, but we ended up talking the whole time. Mostly dodging subjects that are for serious relationships and talking about whats happened for the past few weeks. Gosh was it really only the 15th that we broke up? It seems like longer. But amazingly, I dont mind. It bugs me to a point, but I'm not a heap of nothingness. I dont break down when I see his picture in my locker or binder, I dont go all sniffly when talking about him. I'm pretty proud of myself for that fact. Because that means that I really CAN live without him. And thats a good thing.

In crochet news, they blocked the 'ville at school. Which is probably a good thing since i spent too much time on there. But I mean seriously, Crochetville? Its a bunch of gals (and a few guys) that all CROCHET. Whats so bad about that? Oh yes, 'I shall stab you with my hook my pretty, and make your dog into a new scarf, ehehehehe'. Ok, little wizard of oz joke there but you get my meaning. But I guess its for the best. I need to figure out a way to get all my school stuff done first before I crochet. I've actually had grandma hide most of my hooks! I have like 2 that are still out because they have projects stuck to them, but still! Thats pretty serious.

Well, just wanted to rant for a bit. Oh, and by the way, that little Calorie Counter thing to the right is not working properly for anyone who looks at it. I have to figure out the settings and such but when I do I'll post about it. Night everyone.

Sticky Buns!

2009-02-22T09:16:00.000-08:00

I'm making Sticky Buns! Yey! The really big kind, and why am I making sticky buns? Because I want to surprise grandma. I'm not really mad today, I'm actually in a pretty decent mood. I got a good sleep, I finished my gloves last night, even though I still have to figure out how to do the embelishments. When I'm done with proofing the pattern, I'm going to post it and my other two patterns as free on here. Hopefully that will help improve trafic to my blog, even though its not primarily crochet. I do crochet a lot though. More than I should, actually. Which is why I promised myself I will not pick up a hook until I have my homework done, and believe me I have a lot of homework to do. Its already almost noon and I still have to write up four essays. *sigh* Why do I have to disect a perfectly good book in a way that makes me want to hurl? Its already a difficult read but then when I have to get all these differnt quotes and explain them, write an essay about the chapters, and do something for a group discussion? What is up with that? Mrs. Campbell should really back off the books and focus more on the essays. Well, thats my opinion. Or at least do something different I mean I like Mrs. Campbell as a teacher but she just....I dont know. The way she teaches is the way she would teach back twelve years ago. We need more of a stimulation or at LEAST more interesting books.

Well, its 11:30 so I should get going. I'm going to be posting again later.

At Least...

2009-02-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

EDIT:This was posted while I was very upset with my situation here at home. I was waiting for my grandmother to call me so that I could go and get cigarettes for my younger brother. My home situation is very difficult, and I used to rely on Jake to be my source of strength. But that is not how it works now. I have to be my own source of strength from now on, because I realize that Jake will not always be there, even if he decides to come back to me. I will not be deleting this post because I feel that this is what I was feeling at the time. But I am puting this edit in because I feel that I came off wrong when I posted this. Again, I was very upset. Jake, I know you care. I know that. It just feels like you don't sometimes. But just remember that I know you care. I still love you, and I still want you to come back to me.
Well, its official. Jake doesn't care for me anymore. I sent him an email a few days ago telling him that we should 'break up' break up instead of just be on a break. I was hoping to get some sort of a response, at least an email saying 'OK' or SOMETHING. But I dont think its going to happen. And I dont think he's going to come back either. Its probably a relief to him to be without me looming over his shoulder 24/7. But that doesn't help the fact that I miss him something awful. :( I wish I could have him back, and I hope that there's a chance for me to find someone half as loving as he was.

Sorry. Just needed to vent a bit. I'll post more tomorow.

2009-02-15T14:15:00.000-08:00

As you may be able to tell from the picture, I AM NOT HAPPY. Things have been going wrong left and right today and now, I'm pretty much SCREWED for the next WEEK. Why? My tooth fell appart. How? I dont know.

Yesterday was my birthday, and it flipping SUCKED. Nothing went right. I had to go buy cigarettes for my 15 year old brother. Happy 18th birthday.

Then, my mouth has been KILLING me. Like HORRIBLE pain. They took out my wisdom teeth on Wednesday and according to the helpful brocure they had to chop up my gums in order to get at them. Thats what loosesed the cap on my back tooth and thats why i'm now spitting blood every five seconds and the back of my mouth feels like someone went through there with a chain saw. No pain though. Like thats a plus.

And now, its Sunday, and I no longer have a boyfriend. Why? Because he decided he needed a break to 'figure out' if I'm what he wants or not. He's 'not ready for such a committed relationship' and all that bullshit that men sprout when they want to put you on the side. And you know me, I fell for it. So now I'm scowering my room for any reminder of him and stuffing it into a box to stuff in the back of my closet. 'Oh, it wont be forever hun.' Bull shit. He's going to find someone prettier, smarter, funnier, sexier, whatever and decide that i'm just nothing and toss me away. Then when SHE burns HIM he's gonna be all like 'well fuck now what' and come back to me. And I, being the stupid gullable little girl I am, will of course welcome him back with open arms. This is fucking bullshit. I'm NOT in the mood for all this shit. I HATE all this shit and I HATE feeling like this. I just want to blow somehting up right now.

Happy Birthday To Me...yeah right

2009-02-14T19:19:00.000-08:00

Today is my 18th birthday. Whoope. I woke up with severe pain in my mouth from having my wisdom teeth remeoved on Wednesday and tomorrow Jake will no longer be my boyfriend. To top it all off, its Valentines Day. See, thats why I hate my birthday. I always get giped in some way or another. And now the one person that means the world to me is no longer going to be there for me because he has to be stupid and 'need space'. I just wish that it didnt have to be right now because...well, maybe it is better if it were now. I honestly dont want him to leave at all, but I understand his need. I just love him so much. I'm going to miss him something terrable, and I won't even be able to talk to him for a month. Of course thats my planing, but still.

Wisdom Teeth

2009-02-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

Well, the next few days are going to be hell. I have my wisdom teeth out in the morning so i'm going to not even be able to crochet for the next few days (cries) but at least I'll be able to get some sleep and relax for awhile. I really need to do that more often. After the 15th, I'll be posting a lot more, because I wont have Jake to talk to anymore. *sigh* Really dont want to think about it now, but meh.

I Love You, My Jake....

2009-02-06T13:39:00.000-08:00

Today I had been having a rather crappy day. I could not take a test to make up the day before, I was late to almost every class, you know the usual high school hell. I was in my 7th Hour class at around 2:15 when my pocket vibrated. It was Jake. He said that I should be recieving a package pretty soon. That immediately lifted my spirits. I couldnt wait to get home, to see what I had waiting for me. The FedEx people and the Ups people usually go to the frount door, which we dont use. So when I opened it, there it was. I grabbed it and immediately went inside, using a pen to tear the tape. Jake had ordered CUSTOM MnMs for me! And, It came with this cute little teddy bear! I almost dont want to open any of them, they're so pretty packaged :D Thank you, my love. Thank you for always knowing when to brighten my day.

Thank You Shannon!

2009-02-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

Today I got my 2nd RAOK ever! I just got home from school because I had an appointment this afternoon, and there was this BIG envelope sitting on the washing machine. I thought it may be from my boyfriend Jake, but when I shook it, it jingled :S I opened it and look at all the goodies that I found! There is a beautiful handmade scarf that I and wrap around my neck twice, some cat toys, flavored hot chocolate, and a crocheted bookmark!

Kira was going NUTS by the time I got out the cat toys. She couldnt wait long enough for me to cut them out of the packaging! She ended up strewing all of them all over the living room. then she turned around and played with the packaging! XD silly kitty.

Anyway, I just wanted to post this quick before I go to my appointment. Thank you so very much Shannon! This really made my day :D

February Blues...or is it Reds?

2009-02-02T19:05:00.000-08:00

Its February. Valentines month. Also, as of the 4th, 1 year since dating Jake. On the 14th, I'll be 18. But none of this matters. Why? Because love sucks.

Well, I should probably talk about everything else before I get into it with the whole Jake thing...

I was gonna blog more but that didnt happen because things just got out of hand to the point where I just, well, forgot. I have a new cat, I found her on the 23 of January. I have decided to name her Grace. She's all gray with white paws and nose and white on her belly. She's also pregnant. We aren't sure when shes going to deliver but hopefully not too soon.

The second quarter of school started and I found out that I failed Choir, American Government, and Senior Literature and Composition. I talked to Mrs. Hein, the guidance counceler, and I can make up the credit on a program called Odesyware. Right now I'm in the middle of English which i have to have done pretty soon actually. After that I'm not sure what subject I can take on Odesyware that will make up for my Choir, which is an independant. I thought that I had failed Consumer Econ too, but Mrs. Ogle is awesome and let me slide by getting my packet in. I wish I could have been that lucky with English. But, I think this semester is going to go differently. I'm THIS close to failing. I dont want to fail, not now. I'm so close, I'd dissapoint so many different people.

The courses I'm taking now are Senior Literature and Composition (its a year long class) American Government (also, a year long) Choir ( I wanted to get out of it but, oh well. Maybe I'll get to see wicked :-D) Art, Psychology, Working With Young Children, and Anatomy and Phiseology. Huh, suprisingly I spelled 'phiseology' right, it wasnt underlined :). I am hoping to post my grades up here and maybe get feedback, encouragment, and help. Currently I am passing everything, but its the beginning of the semester.

I've been sick for the past few days, stomach virus. And today I found out that you CAN NOT take your medications with Orange Juice. At least without eating. My stomach hurt like hell I thought I was going to die. But when I got home and ate, things were hunky dorey again. So, lesson learned. I had a dentist appointment today and found out that I dont brush my teeth. I coulda told you that one, but meh. So I got this nasty carmel colored crap on my teeth that I cant get rid of until tomorrow morning. Bummer :(.

I have also decided, again, that I'm going to give this whole Diet thing a shot. Well maybe not a 'diet' exactly, more like a healthier way to eat. I just got done reading a very VERY good book called The Earth, My Butt, and other BIG, Round Things. Its about a girl named Verginia that lives with the steriotypical 'perfect' family. Skinny mom, skinny dad, skinny jock brother, skinny cheerleader sister, and, well, her. Through out the novel you follow her as she descovers the 'crash diet' plan, Froggy the Fourth, and hair dye. Its an awesome book and I would reccomend it to anyone looking for an inspirational read.

Anyway, I'm planning on recording my daily food intake and posting it on the blog. Along with that I am going to calculate calories, and the make adjustments. I have a membership at the local gym so I think its aobut time I started using it. More to come, on that subject at least.

No use putting it off anymore....

Jake and I have been having some issues. Again. Well, not really. See his parents really dont like me very much at all and are continuously trying to find ways to split us up. On top of that, he's ben haing doubts. Dubts about if he's ready for such a serious relationship, mostly. So, after thinking it over (many, many many sleepless nights behind and ahead of me I'm afraid) I came up with a solution that we could both dealwith. I want him for my birthday. I want to have him as my boyfriend for Valentines day, and damn the conciquences. After that, on the 15th to be precise, we're going to 'technically' break up for the next three months. I am going to give him to the end of May to decide if he wants to either A: come back to me or B: go his own way. Either way, in the frount of my mind it is going to be treated like he's not coming back. Its just easier for my heart that way.

This time is not only for his benifit. Admitedly, I came up with this plan so that I wouldnt lose him forever. Because last time he had doubts and I took him back, I promised him (and myself) that I would NOT go though another yo-yo breakup. This was his LAST chance. This way, I'm not breaking any promises. Its a break. Just, on the outside, it'll look like a breakup. Anyway, I need this too because this way I can do all the things that I have neglected to do. Well not really neglected, just, put aside. Like bloging. So, yeah. I can get more centered on myself and not have every waking moment-and sometimes, my dreaming self- with his name on my mind. Admitedly, it probably will be for the first month at least. I have put certain rules in place that restrict our contact to a strict friendly minimum, wich will kill the both of us for awhile. But it needs to be done. ( Godess, I hate being right. )

On a lighter note, I am crocheting like a madwoman. I am currently in the process of an 'Anti Valentines' bag. Its gonna be SAWEET. I dont feel like making a million different blogs for things, so I'm going to put everything on here. So, crochetville girls, sorry, you're gonna have to weed through my rants and rambles to see the patterns and pictures. Again, Sorry ladies!

Thats about it for the moment. I should probably get back to my homework, I just felt that if I didnt write now it would be another month or two until I did get a blog post in. See ya'll later!

Defeat

2009-01-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

Just as the Care Bears descended upon a poor unsuspecting Pokemon.....so too has my grandmother defeated my urge to rid the house of fleas..... you win, grandma.....for now.....

omg...its a BOMB!!

2009-01-10T09:11:00.000-08:00

Today we are going to-hopefully-flea bomb our house. My poor Kira is hairless on her behind and she has little marks everywhere. She's allergic to them, and their bites. So I'm in the process of trying to convince grandma to bomb the place so that Kira can start getting her hair back. Currently, the score is Grandma: 1 Nikka: 0.

YEY NEW YEAR!

2009-01-09T17:37:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. Yes, this is still my blog. Aint it perrrdy? Thanks to Spirit and Keyiu, they custom made this layout for me. I love it, thank you both very much!
Now to the posting part of this post. Happy New Year! *blows whistles, dances* Yeah no not really, this year so far has started out in the gutter, but hopefully things perk up. First of all, I should probably post my new years resolutions: (this also gives me a chance to use some of these funky awesome gadgets that Spirit did for me XD)

lose at least 70 lbs (currently at 227)
graduate (currently failing 3 classes)
find a steady job (lost the one at McDonalds awhile ago)
make 3 afghans (crochet)
see Jake as much as possible
see Spirit
repaint room (currently ugly with pealing paint, but thats my fault)
reconnect with family

As I accomplish these goals, I'll either come back to this post and highlight them or write a whole new post about them.
Recently things have been going great with Jake and I. We are as madly in love as we have ever been and have plans to see eachother for our 1 year anaversary on Feb. 4. I hope. His parents still hate my guts, why? Cose i'm poor. Yep. The well-to-do family boy meets the street wise brat. Well, I love him, and I have a lot of evidence that says he loves me too. So NEH James and Karla.
Mike, on the other hand, has not been doing so hot. I swear that kid is trying to kill himself. For instance, the past two days I've gone out and bought twelve packs of soda. One of Wild Cherry Pepsi and one of Mountan Dew Livewire. I go to school, both packs are full. I come home, gone. I'm suprised he didnt find my stash of sugar cookies. I swear sometimes he just does these things to get on my nerves. And yet I'm worried about him. He is my brother, after all. I mean I love him and I dont want to give up on him. But grandma doesnt see whats going on. Or she does and doesnt want to really see it. I dont know anymore.
School sucks. I have been missing a lot, and my techers have given up on me. They dont think I'm gonna pass. Scratch that, they are betting on me not passing. And sometimes, I think they're right. I'm just not in school enough. Three classes? i mean come on!
Health wise, I'm sicker. I have an AC seperation in my right sholder, and recently suffered a cuncussion. Yippee. I'm taking more pills than ever, and Jake is worried. I dont know what else to do though. I mean seariously. What should I do??
On a much lighter note, I've started writing again. Ish. Sorta. I have a notebook that i'm making myself write gibberish in right now hopefully one of my many random thoughts will emerge. Horray for trying.

Guest Post

2009-01-09T03:27:00.000-08:00

Crystal! Ka-Poke!

Alright, I've finished your template. I don't know if you like it but I really hope you do. If there's anything you want changed please don't be afraid to tell me. I can change the side skulls easily and we can always update the header- other stuff is a little harder but I can do it if you'd like me to.

This is 'download' and 'upload' template. Remind me later on chat to send you the file- this way if ever you want to change something and it doesn't go right you can just re-put in the file and not have to worry about it.

Some things that might interest you:

This is bold text.

This is italic text.

Here's a quote. Ree made the little skull and star. She's real proud of it. :)

This
is
a
numbered
list.

And

This
is
a
bullet
list.

guest post

2009-01-05T16:41:00.000-08:00

crystalina, it's spirit, i'm fixing up your blog like you asked me to so give a bit please

blarg

2008-12-21T16:56:00.000-08:00

i know its been forever since i last posted but i swear i have a good reason. things have been really nutso lately and i have just been out of it. i find that i dont want to do anything at all most of the time, just sit there and crochet or fall asleep. i dont know whats wrong with me but hopefully it'll go away with the new year.

Stress

2008-12-01T19:49:00.000-08:00

You know, looking for a picture about stress actually made me MORE stressed. Ugh. Talk about a pain. Photobucket used to be such a good place to get pictures and stuff. Anyway....

Today I just realized the mountain of homework that I must have done by WEDNESDAY. I've been working for THREE HOURS and I havnt even made a dent. I suppose its my fault, for not going to school and such. I hope i can get everything done. I need to get everything done. If I dont, i wont graduate. Thats a scary thought.

Crochet Bug

2008-11-22T18:18:00.000-08:00

All right, I suppose there really is no excuse for me not writing for EVER. But I got the Crochet Bug. I've been crocheting and working on projects for a long time now, seems like forever. I'm busy making gifts and stuff for the holidays, scarves and wryest warmers and stuff like that. And I've been sick, and I have been trying to go to the gym. I didnt go at all this week, ugh. Margaret is gonna KILL me.

Oh, 101th post. Happy Happy Joy Joy....

Happy Veterans Day

2008-11-11T16:27:00.000-08:00

"Sing a song for unsung heroes, those who lay their dreams aside. Choosing honor more than glory, pledging faith with quite pride. Those who's uniform is courage, and are unafraid of tears. Finding in their love of freadom power stronger than their fears."

Today is Veterans day. A day where we celebrate all those loyal men and women who served for us in all the wars past. The above quote is from a song that I sung today during our Veterans Day Program. It was an hour long program, but I didnt mind because I thought it was beautiful. So I jsut wanted to wish you all, Happy Veterans Day. Make sure that you thank your local soldiers!

Senior Pix

2008-11-08T21:31:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! I finally got coppies of my Senior Pictures up onto my computer. Let me know what you think!

Update

2008-11-03T16:31:00.000-08:00

Well its November. And NaNoWriMo is in full swing. Writers from all over the world are busy at their keyboards and using programs such as Q10 to hide their mistakes and such. Where am I? WAAAAAY back at the beginning. I havnt even started yet. *sigh* I dont know how.

Mike's home again, but I dont know how much help it did him to be in the hospital. Things havnt changed much, and I'm starting to feel that I went through all that troubble for nothing. Oh well. Everyone keeps telling me I did the right thing but i dont know. We'll see what happens.

Umm....Its already the end of the first semester, and I'm behind in all my major classes. I dont know how to catch up. *sigh*

Missing You

2008-10-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

Missing You

Have you ever bothered to realize

How much you mean to me

I care so much for you inside

And miss you so deeply.

My mind is always curious

About the way things might have been.

As days go by, time goes by,

I look back once again.

All the time I held you in my arms,

I had the whole world right there.

There you were, comforting me

With all of your charms.

Every little kiss from you

Was like a dream come true.

This love that I have

Inside my heart

It all belonged to you!

Its funny, all those little things

I never thought I’d miss

Like all those conversations we had

Or the first time we kissed.

I guess that’s what I’m trying to say

Is that I miss you

And love you

More and more each day

It hurts me not to see you

Or know if you’re ok.

I want you to understand

That I loved you from the start

And I want you to know

No matter how many miles we are apart,

You’ll always hold

A special place

Inside my heart.

Dedicated to the love of my life, my true dragon mate, Jake Lee.

Meow

2008-10-18T20:09:00.000-07:00

I have just finished sorta kinda cleaning my room and decided to take a break. After randomly browsing the internet and catching up on some other blogs, I’ve decided I should probably update my own.

A lot of things have happened. For one, the shock of getting back together with Jake has finally subsided. We’ve settled back into a steady routine, but I’m still trying to keep my distance so that I don’t get hurt again. I know that I love him and that he loves me, but I just cant take the pain I had gone through. If he ever, ever does something like that to me again, I’m just gonna cut him out of my life. I cant take that and I vow that I’ll stick to that promise.

College stuff is starting to come out and I’m already anxious to see if I can get the scholarships and grants I need to go to U W Stout. I still hope to follow Jake when he goes to college, and because of the fact that I need to basically retake my high school years over at a technical college so I’m sure I’ll do fine. I don’t know where he’s going to get accepted but I’ll go where he goes.

My little brother is in the hospital, due to my own intervention. It sucks because my family is pissed. But Mike really needed to go to the hospital. He was threatening his own life, my life, and our grandmother’s life. He has a lot of problems that I’m not even aware of and I hope that he gets the treatment he needs. At the very least I hope they require him to take his meds and his blood sugar so he can get that under control. He’s lost a lot of weight the past year and not in a very good way. I’m worried about him even though Jake cant see why. But Mike’s my little brother. We’ve gone through hell together and it kills me that I cant help him right now. *sigh*

I’ve gotten into crocheting and crafts as of late, and I just finished a bag in between all my other stuff. I’m going to be making Jess a baby blanket for her little baby boy Trystan. I think that’s how she’s gonna spell it….Anyway, in school I’m actally taking a class about it called Sewing. I just finished making, er sewing together, a body pillow and I’m going to be working on a watermelon pillow this week. I also have two stuffed animals, a bag, and a pair of pants I want to get done before we move on to other things. I think I should be able to get it all done because I’m pretty good at crafts.

Another thing that I’ve joined up for is NaNoWriMo. It stands for National Writers Month, I’m pretty sure. Its in November and I have to shoot out 500000 words by the end of the month. I’m not sure what I’m going to write about yet but I’m sure I’ll think of something soon. Maybe I’ll just write about my life, from start to finish. I’m sure that will take more than 200 pages if I go into detail…

Oh, my senior pictures came in. I should be getting coppies soon up on the internet, if the stupid photographer didn’t copyright them. I mean seriously, having a big RES stamped across my forehead wouldn’t be very good and I don’t have 300 plus to pay for the damn CD. Why would they even charge that much anyway? Hell if I know….now I’m just rambling. I should finish cleaning my room.

BTW, Brisinger is a cliffhanger. There’s gonna be a 4^th.

I Love Your Blog!

2008-10-12T18:48:00.000-07:00

One of my bestest friends and sisters, Spirit, has awarded me with this great honor. Thank you, Spirit! I love you!!!

The rules are as follows:

1) Add the logo of the award to your blog
2) Add a link to the person who awarded it to you
3) Nominate at least 7 other blogs
4) Add links to those blogs on your blog
5) Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs!

And the blogs (or more so- the bloggers) I pick are:

Spirit: First of all, you are a WOUNDERFUL person and a SUPERB writer. I love you so much and I'm very glad to know you! You have no idea what joy you have brought to my life and how many times you have helped me.

Crystal: *grin* even though you don't even know me, I follow your blog very loyally. And you and I share a name! Well, sorta. I look up to you as a role model and I want you to know that no matter what anyone else says you are an awesome person. anyone who says any less are just losers.

Mandy: I just started following your blog and yet I feel very connected to you. You and I are very similar in a lot of the things we do and how we react to things. Our only differences is age.

Keiyou: Ah, Kei. I feel like I know you even though I've only spoken to you so few times. Spirit talks of you often and calls you sister which automatically makes you my sister as well. Plus, you are a wounderful artist. AWESOME really. ^_^

Akii: TEE HEE! You are my sister. You and I share a longer history than anyone else that we know and we've made it through thick and thin. We will always be there for eachother. Even though sometimes it doesnt seem like it.

Saria: Again, the sister that fate forgot to give me. I love you girl, and I already love baby Triston even though he's currently beating you from the inside out. I'll be here for you whenever you need me, you know that full well.

Jo: Even though we havnt spoken in AGES, I still concider you one of my close writing buddies and a friend. I love your blog, your layout, and even your mysterious ways on facebook XD

Note: Real blog entry coming, I PROMISE!!!

Euphoria?

2008-10-07T00:36:00.000-07:00

So a few hours ago I decided that I'm going to try my hand at some meditation. Specifically, aura clensing. I want to try to do things the RIGHT way, so in order for me to do anything else I have to clense my aura. Either something went really really good or really really bad because i fell into a tranceish like sleep and i just woke up from it. And I think something's wrong with Jake. AGAIN. That boy can so not stay out of troubble...*sigh* if I lose him right after I got him back, I dont know what the hell I'll do. That is deffinately too much for my broken heart.

I've gotta be dreaming...

2008-10-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

All right, so last night I told Jake about what some of what happened with Terry. He got all upset, said he didnt believe me and went to dinner. When he came back I had just sent him a message saying I was going to take a shower, so he told me I should. I took my shower and came back for Spirit to message me and be like "you must stay calm, he's in a very delicate position." My mind's going :O SAY WHAT?!

After his mind blowing experience, what ever the heck that was, he wanted to call me. I let him, and we talked for awhile. Finally he said, "Nicole, Will you take me back?" my heart stopped. I mean seriously, stopped for like a second. And then he started rambling about something or other. I'm still at the Will you take me back thing. I have to be dreaming....

2008-10-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

All right, first things first, in my previous post i typed 'shittles' instead of 'shitless'. That should attest to how scared I actually was. But the danger has, thankfully, passed with me still here all but a little worse for wear.

Second, I'm approching 100 posts soon. Wow. I never thought that I would be writing that much. But I am nowhere near where my friend Spirit is, with her 200-odd posts and random stories. It just means that I have a competition at hand :D

Third, a post will be comming soon. This is just basically a filler post because i have nothing better to do at the moment and am prolonging the inevitable shower. *sigh* i hate being cold and wet it makes me feel like a helpless kitten :(

2008-10-04T11:08:00.000-07:00

i'm scared shittles. today was pumpkin fest, a thing that almost every town does, and i saw terry. my ex. my frist ex. the one who raped me. i'm scared. he kept following me and i called out to jake and he didnt answer me. im on my own now. i'm scared.

2008-10-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

something is wrong. i can feel it in my heart. something is really, terribly wrong. i think its jake.

General

2008-10-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

Well, many things have happened since my last entry. My mouth is much better and I can finally eat solids again *munches on chips* I saw Gadabo, and he gave me a note so that I can get a cheeper price for the local gym. I intend to work out and lose about fifty pounds, and I may as well get off my ass and start doing something. Timbers called me back today, so I'm not totally sure if I got the job or not, concidering the fact I was not home at the time. I wont know until tomorow probably, or maybe even Monday as Pumpkin Fest is on Saturday.

While I was with Gadabo, I mentioned that Mike has been acting up a lot even more so than usual. I desccribed a series of events, Including the incident where he thretaned my life, and Gadabo said that it would be best if Mike were hospitalized. The only problem is, Grandma doesnt want him gone. He would have to stay AT LEAST until December, and i dont think she realizes the severity of his problem. I also talked to Deb, my counceler about it and she agreed. We may have to bypass grandma. It is not something that any one of us wants to do, but may have to happen in order for Mike to get better. When he does leave, and I seriously think it will happen, then I think that I will sage and stone the house. In other words, bless it and clense it. It may help in his healing.

I have also begun to take pictures for the Yearbook. As I do not have pictures from prom, and that was the only thing she has graded us on, I am technically failng in the class. But fear not, because I figure that I will be able to bring my grade up pretty quick.

Umm....what else....oh! I started reading Brisinger, which is why I havnt written in awhile. I dont think that anyone really reads my blog anyway, but meh. Who cares right? Anyway, brisinger is a very good book. I cant wait to see what happens to Eragon.

2008-09-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

Last night I slept for the first time in days. I didnt sleep for very long or very well, but I slept. And I think that that's an improvment.
My lip prevents me from eating now though. When they numbed me up for the root canal, I bit a big hole in my cheek without knowing. So now I'm kinda screwed for the next week or two until the damn thing heals. I try to eat but it doesnt really work. It hurts too much. *sigh*
Tomorow I have an appointment with Dr. I Have No Idea What You're Talking About. His names Gadabo or something, but he's one of those that I cant understand a word he's saying. And what I do understand is about Michael. Michael Michael Michael. The kid that tried to kill me a few times and wants to see me dead. Everyone wants to help him. But when i need help I better just shut the hell up.
Three days until I talk to him again. I have a feeling that that'll be the last time. *sigh* he is just too confused and I dont need to be waiting around for him forever. I love him dearly, but this is rediculous. I developed the pictures. I didnt look at them, just got them developed. And then I put them back in the box. I took out the CD he made me, and listened to it. It helped me stay calm while they were working on my teeth. Isnt it wierd that I still find comfort in the one man that hurt me the most?
I supose I should go clean my room, grandma has been yelling at me to do so for weeks now. I applied at Timbers, a bar and grill in the neighboring town. I think they'll hire me, for now at least. Mostly because they're desperate. Its wedding season and they're booked until Thanksgiving. At least it'll be a job for awhile. Suposedly I'd be making good tips. I guess after that I could go and try to ask for my job back at McDonalds. I'm just to broken right now to hold a steady job. I dont do much good anywhere. *sigh*

2008-09-27T15:06:00.000-07:00

There was another threat on my life today. Mike tried to kill me because I wouldnt mow the lawn. *sigh* Now he's threatening to kill himself over grandma not making him a sandwich. What am I suposed to do? Maybe I should just let him. There is nothing in this world left for me. Nothing.

To make matters worse he told me that Jake hates me. Doesnt want to have anything to do with me. Used me as a fuck buddy until he could find another piece of ass. That hurts....No matter how much I dont want to believe it, the words still hurt. I want to die.

Sleeplessness In Wisconsin

2008-09-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

And yet another sleepless night for me. *sigh* On the 22nd of September Jake and I had a conversation. It was decided that he needed some time alone, as if I didn't exist. So, we parted, with the understanding that on the 1st of October we would speak again. Now I am starting to doubt even that.

I was in the emergency room yesterday for hyperventilating. I haven't eaten or slept much since that day. Why? Too much damn stress! I wish that I didn't love him as much as I do, then maybe it would be easier for me.

I'm going to go and take a sleeping pill and hope to god that it works. I have to go to the dentist in the morning and I am dreading it.

crap

2008-09-21T15:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I just hid his things. The earrings and necklace from the first time we met. The ring from the second. The two shirts he gave me, and the one he bought me. Plus the many pictures and CD he sent me. I've decided that I'm going to keep the blanket once I make it. Why not? It is my school colors.

It just sucks, you know? I miss him so much and I know that he's not coming back. But at least i know that he'll be happier, eventually. And I think that someday maybe he'll be ready to love me again. I know that this was too fast for him. And I'm very proud of myself for acting so well about it. I'm healing better this time, mostly because I was expecting it.

New development: I got fired from McDonalds. *sigh* so now, I have no job, no way of feeding my family, and no support. Perfect.

a random ramble...what do you know....

2008-09-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

You know what? This stinks. I have totally lost him, because of my own stupidity. I had the biggest and most spectacular supervise for him, all lined up. then he breaks up with me. imagine a train slamming its breaks just in time to not hit a kitten and in the process getting all squished together. you know, like in those cartoons? yeah. that's my heart.

stupid me, I talked to him today. I knew I should waited longer. I wouldn't have said anything if I had waited longer. but no I told him about my plan at Christmas. my plan was that I was going to finish high school early and move down by him for the rest of the year. I'd still graduate from thorp, what I wanted, but I'd be living near him, what he wanted. I didn't want to tell him because if my plan went sour, it would just hurt him more. but no, of course, the ONE time I wished things to fail, they didn't. the car came through.

so now, I have a car and a half a year to look forward to of nothing. serves me right I guess. dumb ass me. nothing ever works out the way I want them to.

so what now? where do I go from here? what am I going to do? I guess my schedule will go back to normal, no scene in wasting brain cells by guzzling caffeine just to stay awake to do homework piles as big as Everest. at one time, I could have managed that. but my calculator got cold feet. *sigh* I just hurt, you know? things wont come out right. even when I'm freaking blogging!

I need to come up with a plan...numero uno is to STAY AWAY FROM MEN. and women. I don't think I'm gonna date for awhile. I know I know I've said that a bergillion other times. but I need to stick with it. otherwise I'll just get my heart shredded again. and this round through the wood chipper was not pretty.

I'm doing a lot better than I had been last time. last time it took me a week to stop crying. this time it only took what? a day? I think that was because I knew it was coming long before he did. I knew the night his parents said no that he'd break up with me. I had hoped, dreamed, prayed. and yet it still didn't.

I still love him. god damn it. I still love him. why cant I get him out of my freaking head? I love him.I think I always will. it just sucks that he's not mine now, you know? I am insanely jealous and envious of the next girl.

I want to think mean things. I want to say mean things. but I cant get myself to do it. no matter how hard I try I cant yell at him or even pretend to. why? because I think (hope) that he still-if he ever did-feels a fraction of what I feel. hell of a time to form a bond you know? sometimes I know when he's hurting. I can feel it. and it just makes my pain worse. Grrrr....

would someone, please, just put me out of my misery? I cant stand this...*sigh*

***note to him, I cant stay away forever, you know that. so if you ever read this, know that i really am open to talk. I'm sorry, i'm probably the most difficult broad you've ever met. but the next time you want to talk to me, txt me, and I'll be online as soon as i can. maybe we really can be friends. *sigh* because i don't want to lose you either.*

jake hates me

2008-09-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

he's gone. his parents hate me. he hates me. i knew it was gonna happen. i felt it. and yet i cant stop from crying. cant stop from hating myself. i do. i hate myself.

Trust

2008-09-15T16:37:00.000-07:00

through the years
my heart has bled
wishinf for
the lies you said
and now, we are alone
and my fears reenter
my unsuspecting mind
you smile, almost predatory
and i wince back into the shadows
you said you'd be there
but you weren't
i placed my life
within your hands
and you threw it away
without a glance
your hand is on my sholder
your breath in my hair
i know what you want
but with sin comes forgiveness
forgiveness:trust
and that is something
you must earn back

Seems

2008-09-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

The time is past

When I was to meet you

You never came

And I didnt expect you to

But it still hurts

This pain is familiar

And my mind relishes it

Told you so

But you just wouldnt listen

I come home to find

You tried to call me

Excuses, excuses

They mean nothing

This was the last time

But no more

Seems to me that I have grown up

And now I have a life to live

Sorry, Dad

I just cant wait for you

Anymore

Scared of You

2008-09-15T16:33:00.000-07:00

this feeling
i dont like it
trembling
i hate it
why now?
why not then?
hurting
i dont like it
jumpy jittery
i hate it
why do you torment me?
but you are my past
present
and future
and i hate it

Safe

2008-09-15T16:31:00.000-07:00

So hopeful

So peaceful

As I open my eyes

And become aware of my surroundings

Your lips trail to the mark on my neck

The one you made

Your arms around me

Holding me closer, tighter

You whisper passionate wants

Eyes dancing, fingers finding

My body responds immediately

And inwardly, I smile

As I realize

You're mine

Dedicated to the love of my life, Branth (Jake)

Competition

2008-09-15T16:28:00.000-07:00

Running through the trees
Trying to catch your breath
You hear the footsteps fall softly
Matching you step by step
Your lungs burning like hell's fire
But your brain refuses to comply
You stumble, trip and hit the ground
Then you get up and you fly
You fly with the wings of 100 angels
Still you hear the steady footprints
Following you closely
Finally, you turn around
To challenge the maker of your fears
But to your surprise,
There is no one there.

Holding On to Me

2008-09-15T16:26:00.000-07:00

The truth behind the lies

The fault behind the blame

I see you there, Liar

Shining in your fame

The glory of the lights

The power behind the fear

Liar

While I shed my tears

Holding onto truth

Holding onto my past

I see you there, Liar

You said you'd be there

I try to catch my falling star

But the dust falls through my bones

Liar

You said you'd come home

I see you there

With all your precious dreams

And I'm left alone

Holding onto me

Come In From The Cold

2008-09-15T16:24:00.000-07:00

He is lonely
I can see it in his eyes
He is hurting
I can feel it in his touch
Help me bring him back
Back to the warmth
Help me call him home
Home from the darkness within

He fears everything and nothing alike
He sees demons in every corner
He is hurting
Hurting, hurting so much

Help him see the light
And fear darkness no more
Help him see
That we're his family
And we love him, more than life itself

Angel's Wings

2008-09-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

I feel you near me once again

Your breath stirring my hair

I smile subconsciously,

And close my eyes

To see you there

Your arms held out to me

Your lips as soft as a Feather's

Your gown trailing softly

And your hair is long and parted

And then I open my eyes

And immediately I feel the loss

But I'm still smiling mom

Still wearing your cross

Ablility

2008-09-15T16:20:00.000-07:00

Save me from myself

From my pain, my purpose

Help me to become

What I need most

No, it doesn't matter

My life for yours

A fair exchange

I think

Care for me

Share with me

And hold me above water

My destiny

A Plea To Adults

2008-09-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

Parents of the future generation
Listen up
We have a tough time in school
With friends, parties
And the Opposite sex
So we dont need to be nagged at
Once we do come home

Our rooms are sacred
Our only safe haven in our screwed up lives
And our music is not bad
We've heard worse
Yours

Please dont rat on what we wear
Have you seen the mall?
There's not much there

And if we walk in sporting a new piercing or tattoo
Please dont ground us for life
We're already regretting it

So get used to the heart on our sholders
And dont worry
Not all of us are bad
So dont worry
Let us, Come to you.

Jake

2008-09-15T16:14:00.000-07:00

This is just an update of my relationship with Jake. Things are all right now, I think, and we're hoping that his parents reconsider not letting us see eachother during his birthday. We figured out that I am NOT dependent, as defined in text books. We're just close, that's all. I love him, very very much. It is obviously hard to imagine my life without him, but its not impossable. Therefore, I am not dependant on him.

Oy!

2008-09-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

Oh, shit. I just found out something about my relationship with Jake that I swore would never happen. I became dependant on him. Fuck!

I don’t know how it happened. He and I were talking last night and it came around to what if something was to happen to us. If taking a break would be good for us right now or not. I said that I would not hold him back if he wanted to take a break, but I wasn’t sure if I would take him back. He asked me why, and I said it was complicated. I tried to explain, I really did. The way I explained it was this:

To me, Jake is everything. He is the air I breathe and the water I drink. He is the food I eat and the thoughts I think. Imagine if a piece of you were torn out, left jagged and rough. It wouldn’t be able to heal because you wouldn’t know if the piece that was torn away were coming back to you or not. So it would just stay jagged and torn, never healing. That’s what a break would be like. And that’s not something I could do because I couldn’t handle it. Its either we're together or we're not. There is no in between. And as I was saying this, I realized exactly what I was saying.

Jake means too much to me. That’s not what I wanted. That’s not what I needed. And now I’m scared because I don’t know what to do. I can’t continue to be so dependant on him because that wouldn’t help either of us. But the only way I know how to fix it is to lose him. And I’m not ready for that either. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. Because I really do think that he and I are meant to be together. I think that he is my soul mate, my life mate. Or as spirit describes it, my ‘twin flame’. We’re too connected to become ‘just friends’ and too connected to just drop each other totally. But I think I’ve found a solution.

Now that I’ve realized this problem, it can be fixed right? I mean, it’s not too late and I can figure out why this happened. I think it’s because I don’t have enough self esteem. My older brother always tells me that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. And that is very true. Two halves don’t make a whole when it comes to relationships. You must be whole unto yourself, and bring what you have to the table so that your strengths balance out the other’s weaknesses. But how do I love myself? I’ve spent a good part of my life hating myself, despising what I am and what I’ve become. This is so not what I wanted to be like in high school.

When I was little, I had this impression of me as this beautiful girl, walking down the hallway with friends all around me. I thought that I’d be the one to keep the peace between the preps and jocks and other groups. But as I got older, that impression faded into nothingness because I realized that I could never be that thin pretty popular girl in my dreams. Still, I think I still held onto it in the back of my mind. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to bring it up now right?

Another thing is the fact that I never received any compliments as a kid. I didn’t get the whole ‘good job’ thing from my mom and dad. I didn’t know how to act as a little girl. I knew how to act as a little boy because I had a little brother. But when I started school, wait. Scratch that. That’s not right.

I remember that when I was in kindergarten, I got along great with my classmates. I made friends immodestly, and we would all share things and such. I remember that I would always be lending out my crayons to people. I was always the last person in line because I wanted to be. I remember that I hung out with kids like Shayla and Lindy. Two kids that became the most popular kids in my class. But that all changed when in 3^rd grade I went to the catholic school.

When I went to the catholic school it was like stepping into a whole new universe. Immediately I reached out for people that I didn’t recognize, thinking that maybe if I surrounded myself with them I could find friends. But that didn’t work, because the one other person in my class that was new already had friends. So I began to read a lot, and pulled back into myself. I remember I lied a lot. Attention, I guess? I’d lie to try to get out of assignments. I remember that I got caught one time, when I told my teacher that I didn’t get my homework done because I had to follow my mom to the emergency room. My mom was so mad at me, and I stopped lying. As much.

I still lie sometimes, I know. It’s something that comes easy to every human being. But I try to stick to the truth as much as possible. To be honest, I can’t remember the last time I lied.

Anyway, I think that’s when I became so enclosed. I would always read. And then when my mom died in March 2001, I drew into myself even more. I would hear my grandma say things about herself like ‘I’m so stupid’ and ‘I should just die’ and I would start to say the same things. Pretty soon, I believed them. Things like ‘I hate myself’ became part of my every day vocab. My grades slipped even farther than normal. I went from a B-C student to a C-D student almost over night. I just didn’t care. All I cared about was my books and my writing.

Then I remember, I met my sister. Elizabeth Radzinski. We met over Pokémon cards, I know. My first impression of her was ‘jez, what a snob!’ because of the way she dressed that first day of summer math class. But pretty soon we became close friends to the point where I was inseparable. With her, my confidence in myself boosted a little bit. But she created other flaws. See, she didn’t have that much. So I was always giving her. Food, shelter. Clothes, money for gas. It wasn’t her as much as her mother, Karen. Through them I think, I turned my compassionate nature against myself.

I entered high school, a little bit better than I was in grade school but I still hated myself. I thought myself as ugly, stupid. Then a boy named terry McClure stared paying attention to me. We started dating, and I soon thought myself as in love. But that was the farthest from the truth anyone could get.

In reality, my relationship with terry just deepened my dissatisfaction with myself. He would call me a whore, and I would believe him. He would say that he was the only one that would ever pay attention to me, and I believed him. I would believe anything. I would do anything. It got to the point where I wouldn’t wear anything but turtleneck long sleeved shirts. Baggy. The baggier the better. I stopped writing, a mistake I still regret to this day. He didn’t like something, so I cut it out. Even my best friend. He didn’t like her because she saw what I couldn’t see. And she tried to get me out of it. I just couldn’t see reason. He loves me, I would say. He really does care, he even uses a condom. ‘But he rapes you every night!’ she’d yell. It was mutual, I’d say. I’d deny rape until I turned into a junior.

I think that my relationship with him is what really fucked me up the most because of what he did to me. Things that I’ve never spoken of with anyone. Not even Lizz. Never Jake.

First Day of School...

2008-09-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

Well, actually, thats tomorrow. But I'm still dreading it. I mean seriously, where did my summer go? What happened to all the things i wanted to accomplish? Like the losing weight and the re-painting my room? What gives?

And, to top all that off, I recetly found out that we're selling our house. Again. Grandma cant handle it financially so we have to move to something smaller. Still three bedroom probably, but with less room in each. And we're going to be reduced to one bathroom again. *shudders* But maybe we'll get a better tub. Its been forever since I've had a good soak in the tub.

But, back to the original subject...school....

How could it creep up on me like this? I swear, my summer just had barely enough time to wave at me before it was gone. And, we're further into debt than we were before hand. How flipped up is that? I am trying very desperately to get more hours at work, even though I hate it there. I'm cutting down on everything, including my beloved Pepsi *cries again*. But I suppose I knew it would come to this. I mean, seriously. Even when we first moved in I said it was too big of a house. Now grandma is FINALLY agreeing with me. It also means that I'm going ot have to get rid of a lot of shit. Mybe even my cats...*sigh* I dont know how much more of that I could handle. I lost baby when I moved into town. I cant lose Kira. I just cant. She means the world to me and I to her. How am I suposed to betray her after she has put her live in my hands?

Also, Jessica moved in with us. actually, Jessica plus one. She's pregnant. I told her that it would happen, warned her, begged them to use protection. But they of course didnt listen to me. And now, she's stuck with David's child. And guess who has to take care of them? ME! Jessica really isnt no problem at all, because she helps around the house and all that good stuff. David, on the other hand, is a pain in my ass. I just wish that he would go away and leave us alone.

Love of My Life

2008-08-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

Right now, I feel so very loved by my boyfriend Jake. On Friday, I got a package from him. It contained a camera, a book, and a CD he made for me. I immediately popped it in the CD player and sat and listened. The first song was an instrumental, and about thirty seconds in he started talking to me. The first time he scared the crap out of me! Then I listened to him. Oh, he was so sweet! I had tears in my eyes at the end, and felt like I should give him a huge hug. as it was I thanked him profusely for the wonderful gift. I love him so much, its hard to even voice it sometimes. And I have a feeling that I will be spending the rest of my life with him....I sure hope so. I love you, Jake.

The Count Down

2008-08-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

Wow, so many count downs. 19 days till school starts. 57 days until I see Jake. And today was his first day of school. Lovely, eh?

Lets see all the changes. Hmm....Well, just about an hour ago I changed my hair color. XD I made it darker. I remember that once Jake told me that he liked my hair that way......I also started making preparations for school. Haven't gotten my school supplies yet but I'm planning on getting them some time this week. Which means either tomorrow or Friday.

I also just finished the Twilight Saga. Suprizingly, it was very good. I'm not going to say too much about it because I know a few people who whould bite my head off before they got to read Breaking Dawn, but I can relate to Bella quite a bit. I mean, she's clumsy. She tries to keep good grades, but cant seem to get the hang of it. She doesnt think she's pretty, but yet she's attracted the most beautiful man in school. How lucky can you really get? She loves Edward with her whole heart and soul, and he loves her back. Thats how I feel about Jake. He means the world to me. Admittedly, I don't think that he sparkles (though when he gets out of the shower his hair is pretty shiny XD) nor am I dependant on him for anything (as proven before) but I do feel very strongly about him. He means the world to me. I love him, and I never want to let him go. But I will, if he wants me to. I wont put him through something he doesn't like. I hate seeing him in pain.

Thats the other thing I wanted to write about. Him. My Jake. He's been having doubts again, and that worries me. Though he tells me that it is not like that, that he wont make the same stupid mistake, and yet we still talk about what would happen if we broke up 'for awhile'. That is something that I dread. I seriously hope that he can hold on for just one more year. Then it wont matter. We'll both go to college, together.

I don't think I've ever talked about what I want to go to college for. I want to be a Psychiatrist, with a major in Journalism and Literature. My dream is to some day be able to help others with problems similar to mine. And to write books about my life, as well as Romance novels. Locally (if I'm still in Wisconsin) I want to go to UW Stout. My other choices are Chicago, Mississippi, and Kansas City. Though, I'll follow where ever Jake goes. Because I plan to basically re-take my high school credits, just to prove to any perspective college that I can do it. I can succeed.

Poetry

2008-08-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

First written Aug. 22, 2007

You were always there for me,

even when I couldn't see you

I felt you.

I've loved you since the moment I met you

In another world

But now we are appart

and I cry for you every day

but at night,

I see you in my dreams

And i know that Someday,

Someday,

we will be together gain.

For my long lost Love,

Hopefully,

We will walk hand in hand,

Once again.

Written in dedication to my first lifemate, Salaron.

Blarg: Episode 6

2008-08-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

Well, my dedicated readers, let me first apologize. I am so sorry that I have not been able to write for the past MONTH now, and I promise it wont happen again. Things have been very complicated-not to mention hectic- and hopefully my life has calmed down somewhat.

Now, where to start? Hmm....well my grandmother has been doing ok. She is on oxygen almost 24 hours a day now, and I am really starting to worry. Its because Mike is smoking in the house! We all know it. But trying to enforce rules on that child is like trying to move a brick house with a tricycle. It aint gonna happen! We are hoping that when he goes to this school he gets the help he needs. He is supposed to be going to a special school in Eau Clare or Chippawa. What it is is a school in the morning, with classes and such, and then counceling in the afternoon. Hopefully we can also get him to bard there during the week, because lordy does he need it. He needs dicipline, badly. I dont know what else to say about that. I mean we're all scared shitless of him. He's so much bigger than us...But he's not taking care of himself. He has diabeties. And of course, he wont take his blood sugar when he should. Nor will he eat like he should. Or even get the proper sleep as he should! What are we suposed to do? Just sit by and let him die? He's my little brother. I will not let that happen.

Aaanywhoo, What else? Oh, yes. Jake and I are doing wounderful. All though, we do miss eachother more and more each day. It hurts not being with him, and sometimes I feel like there is no hope for us. But then I talk to him. Hear his voice. And it helps me get though another day without him in my arms. I love him more than anything else in the whole world. And some day, I hope to be with him forever.

Used, Abused, and Abandoned

2008-07-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

All right, here's the deal. My best friend Lizz lives 45 miles away in Marshfield, so we dont get to se eachother that often. Her friend Heather has just got her licence, so she's been taking Lizz to see me. But the only problem is that Heather is asking for money when she comes. The first time, she asked for $40. The second time she asked for $30. Now she wants $20. I dont know what to do, because I want to see Lizz. But we dont have the money to be spending. We're barely getting by. Even Lizz thinks its rediculous but what can she do? Its the only way she can come and see me. *sigh* i dont know what to do. I'm so frustrated right now I could just scream.

Life And Times Of A Stitch Witch

Still Sick...

Yey for Head Colds!

I gots a cold...

New Layout- JUST TEMPORARY

Tagged!

Random Post

Random Randomness

Lonley Day

Came up with a name-Roxy

*yawn* (not so) Lazy Saturday...

Better Pix of Puppy

PUPPY

Blog Hop Tuesday

My Owliver Fuse!

Whats Wrong With ME?

I Wish That Boy Would Stay Out of My HEAD!

Life update

I LOST MY MP3 PLAYER!!!

Randomness

Help....

Being 18....SUCKS!!!!!

Back to the Blogging Board.....Want Some Gum?

*sigh of relief* Much better.....

Some Jokes

Sleeping Demons....

Random Update

*hiss* The SUN! It BURNS!

How Do You Manage a Horny Dragon?

I wish this spinning would stop.....

Responding

No More Classes, No more Books! No More Teacher's Dirty Looks!

Shop-a-holic Mayhem

Ramblings

Tarot Reading

Bite Me

YAWN

Ice Ice Baby.....

Baby, its Cold Outside......

School Sucks

Sticky Buns!

At Least...

Happy Birthday To Me...yeah right

Wisdom Teeth

I Love You, My Jake....

Thank You Shannon!

February Blues...or is it Reds?

Defeat

omg...its a BOMB!!

YEY NEW YEAR!

Guest Post

guest post

blarg

Stress

Crochet Bug

Happy Veterans Day

Senior Pix

Update

Missing You

Meow

I Love Your Blog!

Euphoria?

I've gotta be dreaming...

General

Sleeplessness In Wisconsin

crap

a random ramble...what do you know....

jake hates me

Trust

Seems

Scared of You

Safe

Competition

Holding On to Me

Come In From The Cold

Angel's Wings

Ablility

A Plea To Adults

Jake

Oy!

yawn (not so) Lazy Saturday...

sigh of relief Much better.....

hiss The SUN! It BURNS!