I wish this spinning would stop.....

I dont know why but my head keeps spinning. Ever since I took my shower and then put lotion on. I think this lotion is not very good for me or something. Usually I dont like to put lotion on, because it gets greesy, but I do after my showers. But for some reason this stuff just doesnt agree with me. I dont know. I havnt been feeling right the past coupple days now. I feel tierd, and I dont want to do anything. I feel like no matter what I do it'll still be wrong, so why bother? Jake is suposed to come sometime but nothing is certain now. I dont know what to think. He keeps saying that he'll get here. I wish that I could figure it out. I'm feeling really tierdly random. I want to write but I dont want to write. I dont know what to do. Maybe I'll go take another shower.

Responding

The letter to myself, in the post below, was written while I was a freashman. I know, it shows right? That was such a long time ago. It doesnt seem like it though, when I'm reading that. It seems like I'm just talking to myself. Well, in a way I am I supose. So I figured that I'd answer some of my own questions to myself.

Well, my weight went up. I weighed 191 then, and I weigh 210 now. That doesnt seem like much but when you think about it it really is a lot. I'm working on it though. My hair is Pink and Black again, just recently dyed, though its not long as it was then. It used to be down to my sholders. now, it just barely reaches my ears in the frount!

Obviously, I no longer have that ring. I lost it soon after to Terry McClure. I regret it now, because it really did mean a lot to me and I was hoping to give it to the man I love. It was a beautiful rose ring that was silver, and I adored it. But now, I have a new promise to myself. I have another ring on my left hand middle finger, a knotted heart, reminding me that no matter what, I'm still strong and I'm still me.

I'm still best friends with Lizz, though I dont talk to any of the others anymore. April, every once in awhile, comes over and bugs me on the computer, but otherwise Lizz is the only one I see anymore. Which is perfectly fine with me after everything else I've been through, dating Justin a coupple months after Terry, then Jon after that. I really wish that I could reach back in time and tell myself that Terry was a bad person, but I guess I cant now. I cant believe I actually had a crush on the bastard.

I dont talk to any of the online people anymore, not even Casey. I regret not talking to him but, we grew apart. Things got hard for me and he didnt come online anymore. The others either got mad at me or just got annoying.

Grandma won the costody battle but we never got anything from Howard after that. That was probably the only thing he's ever done out of love for us kids.

When I read that letter, I can see in my mind's eye how much I've changed. Back then, I was so nieve and carefree, now the burdens of life weigh my sholders and hamper my thoughts. But thats all right. Reading that letter reminded me of my goals, my passion for life. I used to write a lot. All the time in fact. I think I'll pick it up again. But then I wasnt very independant, not like I am now. I'm not perfect, far from, but at least I know that. I also know that I can achieve my goals, no matter how hard it may seem. I had faith in myself then, and I've found that faith now.

No More Classes, No more Books! No More Teacher's Dirty Looks!

Finally, school is done. No more school for me, unless I chose to go to college. No more going back to that horrible high school. Today is my first day of freedom, my first day of Summer! Whoo Hoo!

Today, I had to go and bring Jessica her yearbook at the school. The rest of them are having graduation practice, and of course, I'm not invited. But anyway, Mrs. Hein gave me this letter. I wrote it to myself four years ago, on my first day of Freashman year. I forgot all about doing that. I'll type up what I wrote to myself:

Dear Nikka,
Hey there. Big senior now, huh? Well, I'm proud of you. And I'm so glad that you were able to make it this far. I'm sure mom would be proud of you, because I know I am.
Well, I guess I should start out with my weight height, and such. Right now I weigh 191 lbs, and my height is 5' 6". My eye color is sunburst brown, and I have glasses. (I hope to have contacts in the near future) My hair has been pink and black, black, blonde, and red and black. Right now it is brown, but I'm thinking of dyeing it to black again or maybe even pink and black in the near future. I have a ring-which I hope you still have- that signifies my abstinence from sexual activities and reminds me of my promise to myself never to hurt the other person. It is on my left hand, middle finger. I pray that I still have it: it means so much to me right now.
My best friend in the entire world is Elizabeth Ellen Radzinski, or Akii Lee Rainsoul in a lot of my stories. I have enclosed some of them, but not all. Just the two that I have been working on lately. My other friends are Justin McClure, Terry McClure, Kayla Meeker, Linda Maxam, Amanda Brandow (I think) Tomas Tarndroff, Eric Harms, Charles, David, Victor, Casey, and Jon Draper.
Jon, actually, is my ex boyfriend. He and I are still friends, and I regret it every day that we separated over something so stupid as my promise to my other friends. I still care a lot about him, though. But currently I find myself in a relationship with Benji Taylor, an 18-year-old from England. He wants to come and live with me, but I'm not sure how that's going to work out.
Eric Harms is another story. He and I have known eachother for the past seven months, and just recently I have had the guts to tell him the truth about me. He surprisingly wasnt that mad at me and I hope that he and I can become closer.
Only here am I going to admit my self that I have a crush on Terry McClure. He's a senior so I'm probably never going to have a serious relationship with him, but I'm glad to call him one of my closest friends.
My group of friends contsists of all of the above, but the ones I hag out with frequently are April Turenne, Terry, Justin, and Lizz. We hang out all the time and we are called the "Goths" of the school. April, she and I arn't really that close, but I hope that we can become closer.
Right now we are going through the gbattle with dad for custody of us. Grandma is suposedly going to be getting permantant custody us us by next March. I hope it goes through; I hate my dad, and I dont want to have anything to do with him. Reminder to myself: Dont invite him to graduation. He'll just disapoint you more than ever.
This is just one of those things I really look forward to in teh future. Being in a healthy relationship with someoneI love. Maybe it will be Benji, maybe it will be someone else. But for now, though, I'm glad I have the knowledge to help others in their own paths to true love. Right now as I write this letter, there are so many things going through my mind about how you are. Are you and Elizabeth still friends? Are you still talking to Eric, or Jon? Did Grandma finally let you have your own pet for company? How did getting a license go? So many questions, so few answers. But I am very paitent, and I am very, very proud of you.
You are a part of me as I am a part of you, so follow my advice, and stay true to your own path. Don't let anyone else tell you what you can and cannot do, Nikka. Because otherwise, you wont turn out to be me. You'll turn out to be someone you're not; the puppet of everyone else's life. Its happened, I'm ruse you can remember it. More than once you've fallen from your road and into someone else's life, and you became what they wanted you to be. Ther eis nothing else I can give you, my friend. And I look forward to the time when we finally cross paths, and the wounds of life are sealed forever.

Love always and forever,
Nikka Regina

Shop-a-holic Mayhem

All right, I have a problem. A big one. One that may just ruin my life if I dont take care of it right now. Its also one that I think a lot of american women have. Its called impulsive shopping.
I walk into a store, I see something cute or shiney or pretty and I automatically throw it into the cart. At the end of the hour I have a full cart. I realize this, and i go to a far corner of the store and I empty it. Well, most of it. The rest I take back to grandma to buy, or with me to the check out. If i have my check book with me then there is NO stopping me. Today, I went to the Family Dollar. I went for bedsheets, came out with 91.00 worth of stuff that I didnt need. And the real kicker, I didnt have enough money in my checkbook. I had like 82 dollars, thanks to my other trip yesterday to Walmart. I went in for a bathing suit. It cost 33. I didnt need any of the other things, I just WANTED them. Now, how am I going to cover that Nine something that I was over? I have no idea. I also got myself a Credit Card. Mistake. Of chourse, I didnt go on a shopping spree with it, which is good, but I also spent money like I was a millionare. Subway for everyone! Yeah, right.
What am I suposed to do now? I know I have this problem but every time I go into ANY store, be it the grocery store or a mall, I have to buy something. I've noticed though when I have cash and a limited ammount of it I dont spend as much. Am I suposed to carry cash around for the rest of my life?

Someone, if you read this and have the same problem as I, please help. I dont know what to do and I'm very lucky that I cought it now.