Last night I slept for the first time in days. I didnt sleep for very long or very well, but I slept. And I think that that's an improvment.
My lip prevents me from eating now though. When they numbed me up for the root canal, I bit a big hole in my cheek without knowing. So now I'm kinda screwed for the next week or two until the damn thing heals. I try to eat but it doesnt really work. It hurts too much. *sigh*
Tomorow I have an appointment with Dr. I Have No Idea What You're Talking About. His names Gadabo or something, but he's one of those that I cant understand a word he's saying. And what I do understand is about Michael. Michael Michael Michael. The kid that tried to kill me a few times and wants to see me dead. Everyone wants to help him. But when i need help I better just shut the hell up.
Three days until I talk to him again. I have a feeling that that'll be the last time. *sigh* he is just too confused and I dont need to be waiting around for him forever. I love him dearly, but this is rediculous. I developed the pictures. I didnt look at them, just got them developed. And then I put them back in the box. I took out the CD he made me, and listened to it. It helped me stay calm while they were working on my teeth. Isnt it wierd that I still find comfort in the one man that hurt me the most?
I supose I should go clean my room, grandma has been yelling at me to do so for weeks now. I applied at Timbers, a bar and grill in the neighboring town. I think they'll hire me, for now at least. Mostly because they're desperate. Its wedding season and they're booked until Thanksgiving. At least it'll be a job for awhile. Suposedly I'd be making good tips. I guess after that I could go and try to ask for my job back at McDonalds. I'm just to broken right now to hold a steady job. I dont do much good anywhere. *sigh*

There was another threat on my life today. Mike tried to kill me because I wouldnt mow the lawn. *sigh* Now he's threatening to kill himself over grandma not making him a sandwich. What am I suposed to do? Maybe I should just let him. There is nothing in this world left for me. Nothing.

To make matters worse he told me that Jake hates me. Doesnt want to have anything to do with me. Used me as a fuck buddy until he could find another piece of ass. That hurts....No matter how much I dont want to believe it, the words still hurt. I want to die.

Sleeplessness In Wisconsin

And yet another sleepless night for me. *sigh* On the 22nd of September Jake and I had a conversation. It was decided that he needed some time alone, as if I didn't exist. So, we parted, with the understanding that on the 1st of October we would speak again. Now I am starting to doubt even that.

I was in the emergency room yesterday for hyperventilating. I haven't eaten or slept much since that day. Why? Too much damn stress! I wish that I didn't love him as much as I do, then maybe it would be easier for me.

I'm going to go and take a sleeping pill and hope to god that it works. I have to go to the dentist in the morning and I am dreading it.

crap

Well, I just hid his things. The earrings and necklace from the first time we met. The ring from the second. The two shirts he gave me, and the one he bought me. Plus the many pictures and CD he sent me. I've decided that I'm going to keep the blanket once I make it. Why not? It is my school colors.

It just sucks, you know? I miss him so much and I know that he's not coming back. But at least i know that he'll be happier, eventually. And I think that someday maybe he'll be ready to love me again. I know that this was too fast for him. And I'm very proud of myself for acting so well about it. I'm healing better this time, mostly because I was expecting it.

New development: I got fired from McDonalds. *sigh* so now, I have no job, no way of feeding my family, and no support. Perfect.

a random ramble...what do you know....

You know what? This stinks. I have totally lost him, because of my own stupidity. I had the biggest and most spectacular supervise for him, all lined up. then he breaks up with me. imagine a train slamming its breaks just in time to not hit a kitten and in the process getting all squished together. you know, like in those cartoons? yeah. that's my heart.

stupid me, I talked to him today. I knew I should waited longer. I wouldn't have said anything if I had waited longer. but no I told him about my plan at Christmas. my plan was that I was going to finish high school early and move down by him for the rest of the year. I'd still graduate from thorp, what I wanted, but I'd be living near him, what he wanted. I didn't want to tell him because if my plan went sour, it would just hurt him more. but no, of course, the ONE time I wished things to fail, they didn't. the car came through.

so now, I have a car and a half a year to look forward to of nothing. serves me right I guess. dumb ass me. nothing ever works out the way I want them to.

so what now? where do I go from here? what am I going to do? I guess my schedule will go back to normal, no scene in wasting brain cells by guzzling caffeine just to stay awake to do homework piles as big as Everest. at one time, I could have managed that. but my calculator got cold feet. *sigh* I just hurt, you know? things wont come out right. even when I'm freaking blogging!

I need to come up with a plan...numero uno is to STAY AWAY FROM MEN. and women. I don't think I'm gonna date for awhile. I know I know I've said that a bergillion other times. but I need to stick with it. otherwise I'll just get my heart shredded again. and this round through the wood chipper was not pretty.

I'm doing a lot better than I had been last time. last time it took me a week to stop crying. this time it only took what? a day? I think that was because I knew it was coming long before he did. I knew the night his parents said no that he'd break up with me. I had hoped, dreamed, prayed. and yet it still didn't.

I still love him. god damn it. I still love him. why cant I get him out of my freaking head? I love him.I think I always will. it just sucks that he's not mine now, you know? I am insanely jealous and envious of the next girl.

I want to think mean things. I want to say mean things. but I cant get myself to do it. no matter how hard I try I cant yell at him  or even pretend to. why? because I think (hope) that he still-if he ever did-feels a fraction of what I feel. hell of a time to form a bond you know? sometimes I know when he's hurting. I can feel it. and it just makes my pain worse. Grrrr....

would someone, please, just put me out of my misery? I cant stand this...*sigh*

 

***note to him, I cant stay away forever, you know that. so if you ever read this, know that i really am open to talk. I'm sorry, i'm probably the most difficult broad you've ever met. but the next time you want to talk to me, txt me, and I'll be online as soon as i can. maybe we really can be friends. *sigh* because i don't want to lose  you either.*

jake hates me

he's gone. his parents hate me. he hates me. i knew it was gonna happen. i felt it. and yet i cant stop from crying. cant stop from hating myself. i do. i hate myself.

Trust

through the years
my heart has bled
wishinf for
the lies you said
and now, we are alone
and my fears reenter
my unsuspecting mind
you smile, almost predatory
and i wince back into the shadows
you said you'd be there
but you weren't
i placed my life
within your hands
and you threw it away
without a glance
your hand is on my sholder
your breath in my hair
i know what you want
but with sin comes forgiveness
forgiveness:trust
and that is something
you must earn back

Seems

The time is past

When I was to meet you

You never came

And I didnt expect you to

But it still hurts

This pain is familiar

And my mind relishes it

Told you so

But you just wouldnt listen

I come home to find

You tried to call me

Excuses, excuses

They mean nothing

This was the last time

But no more

Seems to me that I have grown up

And now I have a life to live

Sorry, Dad

I just cant wait for you

Anymore

Scared of You

this feeling
i dont like it
trembling
i hate it
why now?
why not then?
hurting
i dont like it
jumpy jittery
i hate it
why do you torment me?
but you are my past
present
and future
and i hate it

Safe

So hopeful

So peaceful

As I open my eyes

And become aware of my surroundings

Your lips trail to the mark on my neck

The one you made

Your arms around me

Holding me closer, tighter

You whisper passionate wants

Eyes dancing, fingers finding

My body responds immediately

And inwardly, I smile

As I realize

You're mine

Dedicated to the love of my life, Branth (Jake)

Competition

Running through the trees
Trying to catch your breath
You hear the footsteps fall softly
Matching you step by step
Your lungs burning like hell's fire
But your brain refuses to comply
You stumble, trip and hit the ground
Then you get up and you fly
You fly with the wings of 100 angels
Still you hear the steady footprints
Following you closely
Finally, you turn around
To challenge the maker of your fears
But to your surprise,
There is no one there.

Holding On to Me

The truth behind the lies

The fault behind the blame

I see you there, Liar

Shining in your fame

The glory of the lights

The power behind the fear

Liar

While I shed my tears

Holding onto truth

Holding onto my past

I see you there, Liar

You said you'd be there

I try to catch my falling star

But the dust falls through my bones

Liar

You said you'd come home

I see you there

With all your precious dreams

And I'm left alone

Holding onto me

Come In From The Cold

He is lonely
I can see it in his eyes
He is hurting
I can feel it in his touch
Help me bring him back
Back to the warmth
Help me call him home
Home from the darkness within

He fears everything and nothing alike
He sees demons in every corner
He is hurting
Hurting, hurting so much

Help him see the light
And fear darkness no more
Help him see
That we're his family
And we love him, more than life itself

Angel's Wings

I feel you near me once again

Your breath stirring my hair

I smile subconsciously,

And close my eyes

To see you there

Your arms held out to me

Your lips as soft as a Feather's

Your gown trailing softly

And your hair is long and parted

And then I open my eyes

And immediately I feel the loss

But I'm still smiling mom

Still wearing your cross

Ablility

Save me from myself

From my pain, my purpose

Help me to become

What I need most

No, it doesn't matter

My life for yours

A fair exchange

I think

Care for me

Share with me

And hold me above water

My destiny

A Plea To Adults

Parents of the future generation
Listen up
We have a tough time in school
With friends, parties
And the Opposite sex
So we dont need to be nagged at
Once we do come home

Our rooms are sacred
Our only safe haven in our screwed up lives
And our music is not bad
We've heard worse
Yours

Please dont rat on what we wear
Have you seen the mall?
There's not much there

And if we walk in sporting a new piercing or tattoo
Please dont ground us for life
We're already regretting it

So get used to the heart on our sholders
And dont worry
Not all of us are bad
So dont worry
Let us, Come to you.

Jake

This is just an update of my relationship with Jake. Things are all right now, I think, and we're hoping that his parents reconsider not letting us see eachother during his birthday. We figured out that I am NOT dependent, as defined in text books. We're just close, that's all. I love him, very very much. It is obviously hard to imagine my life without him, but its not impossable. Therefore, I am not dependant on him.

Oy!

Oh, shit. I just found out something about my relationship with Jake that I swore would never happen. I became dependant on him. Fuck!

I don’t know how it happened. He and I were talking last night and it came around to what if something was to happen to us. If taking a break would be good for us right now or not. I said that I would not hold him back if he wanted to take a break, but I wasn’t sure if I would take him back. He asked me why, and I said it was complicated. I tried to explain, I really did. The way I explained it was this:

To me, Jake is everything. He is the air I breathe and the water I drink. He is the food I eat and the thoughts I think. Imagine if a piece of you were torn out, left jagged and rough. It wouldn’t be able to heal because you wouldn’t know if the piece that was torn away were coming back to you or not. So it would just stay jagged and torn, never healing. That’s what a break would be like. And that’s not something I could do because I couldn’t handle it. Its either we're together or we're not. There is no in between. And as I was saying this, I realized exactly what I was saying.

Jake means too much to me. That’s not what I wanted. That’s not what I needed. And now I’m scared because I don’t know what to do. I can’t continue to be so dependant on him because that wouldn’t help either of us. But the only way I know how to fix it is to lose him. And I’m not ready for that either. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. Because I really do think that he and I are meant to be together. I think that he is my soul mate, my life mate. Or as spirit describes it, my ‘twin flame’. We’re too connected to become ‘just friends’ and too connected to just drop each other totally. But I think I’ve found a solution.

Now that I’ve realized this problem, it can be fixed right? I mean, it’s not too late and I can figure out why this happened. I think it’s because I don’t have enough self esteem. My older brother always tells me that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. And that is very true. Two halves don’t make a whole when it comes to relationships. You must be whole unto yourself, and bring what you have to the table so that your strengths balance out the other’s weaknesses. But how do I love myself? I’ve spent a good part of my life hating myself, despising what I am and what I’ve become. This is so not what I wanted to be like in high school.

When I was little, I had this impression of me as this beautiful girl, walking down the hallway with friends all around me. I thought that I’d be the one to keep the peace between the preps and jocks and other groups. But as I got older, that impression faded into nothingness because I realized that I could never be that thin pretty popular girl in my dreams. Still, I think I still held onto it in the back of my mind. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to bring it up now right?

Another thing is the fact that I never received any compliments as a kid. I didn’t get the whole ‘good job’ thing from my mom and dad. I didn’t know how to act as a little girl. I knew how to act as a little boy because I had a little brother. But when I started school, wait. Scratch that. That’s not right.

I remember that when I was in kindergarten, I got along great with my classmates. I made friends immodestly, and we would all share things and such. I remember that I would always be lending out my crayons to people. I was always the last person in line because I wanted to be. I remember that I hung out with kids like Shayla and Lindy. Two kids that became the most popular kids in my class. But that all changed when in 3^rd grade I went to the catholic school.

When I went to the catholic school it was like stepping into a whole new universe. Immediately I reached out for people that I didn’t recognize, thinking that maybe if I surrounded myself with them I could find friends. But that didn’t work, because the one other person in my class that was new already had friends. So I began to read a lot, and pulled back into myself. I remember I lied a lot. Attention, I guess? I’d lie to try to get out of assignments. I remember that I got caught one time, when I told my teacher that I didn’t get my homework done because I had to follow my mom to the emergency room. My mom was so mad at me, and I stopped lying. As much.

I still lie sometimes, I know. It’s something that comes easy to every human being. But I try to stick to the truth as much as possible. To be honest, I can’t remember the last time I lied.

Anyway, I think that’s when I became so enclosed. I would always read. And then when my mom died in March 2001, I drew into myself even more. I would hear my grandma say things about herself like ‘I’m so stupid’ and ‘I should just die’ and I would start to say the same things. Pretty soon, I believed them. Things like ‘I hate myself’ became part of my every day vocab. My grades slipped even farther than normal. I went from a B-C student to a C-D student almost over night. I just didn’t care. All I cared about was my books and my writing.

Then I remember, I met my sister. Elizabeth Radzinski. We met over Pokémon cards, I know. My first impression of her was ‘jez, what a snob!’ because of the way she dressed that first day of summer math class. But pretty soon we became close friends to the point where I was inseparable. With her, my confidence in myself boosted a little bit. But she created other flaws. See, she didn’t have that much. So I was always giving her. Food, shelter. Clothes, money for gas. It wasn’t her as much as her mother, Karen. Through them I think, I turned my compassionate nature against myself.

I entered high school, a little bit better than I was in grade school but I still hated myself. I thought myself as ugly, stupid. Then a boy named terry McClure stared paying attention to me. We started dating, and I soon thought myself as in love. But that was the farthest from the truth anyone could get.

In reality, my relationship with terry just deepened my dissatisfaction with myself. He would call me a whore, and I would believe him. He would say that he was the only one that would ever pay attention to me, and I believed him. I would believe anything. I would do anything. It got to the point where I wouldn’t wear anything but turtleneck long sleeved shirts. Baggy. The baggier the better. I stopped writing, a mistake I still regret to this day. He didn’t like something, so I cut it out. Even my best friend. He didn’t like her because she saw what I couldn’t see. And she tried to get me out of it. I just couldn’t see reason. He loves me, I would say. He really does care, he even uses a condom. ‘But he rapes you every night!’ she’d yell. It was mutual, I’d say. I’d deny rape until I turned into a junior.

I think that my relationship with him is what really fucked me up the most because of what he did to me. Things that I’ve never spoken of with anyone. Not even Lizz. Never Jake.

First Day of School...

Well, actually, thats tomorrow. But I'm still dreading it. I mean seriously, where did my summer go? What happened to all the things i wanted to accomplish? Like the losing weight and the re-painting my room? What gives?

And, to top all that off, I recetly found out that we're selling our house. Again. Grandma cant handle it financially so we have to move to something smaller. Still three bedroom probably, but with less room in each. And we're going to be reduced to one bathroom again. *shudders* But maybe we'll get a better tub. Its been forever since I've had a good soak in the tub.

But, back to the original subject...school....

How could it creep up on me like this? I swear, my summer just had barely enough time to wave at me before it was gone. And, we're further into debt than we were before hand. How flipped up is that? I am trying very desperately to get more hours at work, even though I hate it there. I'm cutting down on everything, including my beloved Pepsi *cries again*. But I suppose I knew it would come to this. I mean, seriously. Even when we first moved in I said it was too big of a house. Now grandma is FINALLY agreeing with me. It also means that I'm going ot have to get rid of a lot of shit. Mybe even my cats...*sigh* I dont know how much more of that I could handle. I lost baby when I moved into town. I cant lose Kira. I just cant. She means the world to me and I to her. How am I suposed to betray her after she has put her live in my hands?

Also, Jessica moved in with us. actually, Jessica plus one. She's pregnant. I told her that it would happen, warned her, begged them to use protection. But they of course didnt listen to me. And now, she's stuck with David's child. And guess who has to take care of them? ME! Jessica really isnt no problem at all, because she helps around the house and all that good stuff. David, on the other hand, is a pain in my ass. I just wish that he would go away and leave us alone.