End Of May

This has been one rollercoster of a month. Breaking up with me in the beginning and then taping my heart back together at the end, Jake and I are in good graces for the moment. We just got off the phone (at 11:30 pm) and he's probably already half asleep. I felt the need to write. So, here I am.
Lots of firsts. My first party. Sucky. Beer tastes like shit. And I was scared and bord the entire time. Graduation, Finals, and matchmaking. Adam is being a duche to Jess, so I'm gonna have to rough him up.
Last day of school is the fifth. I'll elaberate more maybe tomorow, but for now I'm gonna sleep so I can go to Lizz's graduation.

Blarg: Episode 3

All right, my last post was just me venting. There are probably going to be many, many, MANY more where that came from, but oh well. I dont want to rant right now. I just want to write. I know that sounds really wierd, but oh well, its what i want to do so :P

I miss him, a lot. And I love him so much. But I know that he needed to do this. I knw that he needed to figure out what we had and if it was real. It hurts, knowing that, but at least he told the truth. And at least he still loves me. I think. I hope. I told him that I'd be unavailable for the next 2 weeks, or until he made his FINAL decision. I dont want to have to sit around and wait for him. I need to move on and get on with my life. I'm redoing my entire room, cleaning, looking for my new phone charger, but that's different. I'm smoking my second to the last cigarette, and organizing all my things. I do this when I'm upset, nervous, pissed or scared. Right now I'm all of the above.

I had court today. They didnt even help me. All it was was me pleading not guilty and then walking out. I just want this to be over with. Thank God they didnt tell me I couldnt leave the state. But I was just so scared. I had just hoped so much to get this over with but i guess fate doesnt want me to move on. She wants me to suffer.

Choice

What a son of a bitch! Fucking Fucktard! Asshole! Jerk! Wimp! Trader! Dickass! Ass Hole! Whore! How could he do this to me? How could he make me chose? Well I guess I shouldnt be acting like this. I mean he asked for the choice back, but I wouldn't let him. I didnt need him to stay with me because he felt that he was hurting me. It doesn't matter now. He's hurt me enough. I dont want to have anything to do with men anymore. It hurts too much.
But of course I have to hold on. Because He asked me to. I love him so much...thats why i let him go. Thats why I'm sitting here, at home, instead of in school, because I'm not ready to face the music yet. No, we're not going to the same school. Not even the same state. *sigh*

Drama That's Hard to Take

*sigh* I really wish he'd make up his mind. It hurts way too much for me to just sit here and wait. It takes all my strength not to text him, to give him the room he needs. And yet he still talks to me...it just confuses me. I cant heal if he doesnt make up his mind. I cant recover and move on without knowing, and thats kinda hard when he doesnt even know. I just want to know so I can either mourn the loss and move on, or forget about it and move on. But thats not gonna happen any time soon. He needs time. I understand this. But time is my enimy. Time hasnt been kind to me. And time just likes to fuck with my head.
I dream about him. I find something funny or interesting and my first instinct is to reach out, to share, but then I remember. I pull back. And I weep a little more inside. The pain has lessened, though. Well, it kinda had to, I have finals and court to worry about. But every time I look at his necklace, I remember, and another tear leeks out of me. It sucks. I dont want to be sensitive, god damn it! I want to be able to shrug it off. Or at least not be this bad about it. I mean for pete's sake, I'm acting like a child here. This isnt normal. But then again, when has my relationship with him ever been normal?
Mike doesnt have to go to school. He's getting the easy way out because of his 'medical' conditions. Bull shit! But of course, if I try to even get out of gym class for a moment, I get bitched at. And, I'm facing an in school because I get sick. To be honest I'm suprised I'm even going to school at all. Normally after this stuff I just want to sleep forever and never wake up. But of course I cant. I'll get shot by too many people.
All day today I was pissed. I just wanted to tear someone's head off, and I didnt care who. But as soon as he talked to me, all that went away. And its funny, because HE'S the one I was pissed at! I cant even muster up a good swear now. I'm just exausted, tierd, and in a way relieved. One more day he talked to me. Maybe there's hope? Maybe it'll be over soon? Maybe. Hopefully. Bah! Hope....no hope has ever helped me. I'm on my own. I just hope I can stand on my own two feet.

Maybe Not As Bad As I Thought

Huh....well this is confusing....He says he loves me, yet needs a break. I understand that. But he could have done it some other way instead of ripping me to shreds....

Hurt

Its been one long day. I couldnt stop thinking about him. I sent him a text asking if last night really happened. Of course it did. Still, I was so hoping....Its amazing how I knew. I just knew that something was wrong. And I also know that he's gonna try to come back to me. I dont know what I'll do when that happens. Because this hurt more than anything. I feel so betrayed. Like he was just playing with me. But I know thats not the truth. He cares about me. He really does. But of course, there's another. She's close to him. She lives near him. And they have so much in common. I shouldnt be trying to hold on to him so much. I mean seriously, he deserves happiness just as much as anyone else. I've had my shot, and I blew it. I know its going to take a very long time for me to recover. We're all just very lucky that I didnt do anything stupid. I was going to, but he made me promise. I'm so tempted though. I...I dont know. I just hurt. I dont know how to describe it other than intense pain. I cant eat. I wont eat. It took me forever to go to sleep last night. Even then, I woke up every few hours going "Ugh, what is wrong with me?" I felt like a child again. I dragged the spare mattresss into the living room and snuggled up close to my grandma and cried and cried and cried. I didnt think I had enough tears in me to cry that much. I had promised myself I wouldnt let myself get hurt again. But, guess what, I did. Ugh! None of this is comming out right.
Jake, if you ever read this, know that I still love you. I will always love you. And I knew that the distance would tear us apart. If you really like this other *gulps* person, then go for it. I'm not going to stand in the way of your happiness. Its gonna take me a very long time to recover. But if you do decide to come back to me, I'll welcome you with open arms. I couldnt do anything less. I love you. Thats all there is to it. I love you. I just want you to be happy. Please, for God's sake, please be happy. Thats all I ask is for you to be happy. You mean too much to me. I dont want to be an obligation, a trial, or a regret. I WOULD kill myself if I became nothing more than a regret to you. I know, I'm rambling. I just have all these things I want to say to you, to make you see, but now its too late....I love you. If you want me, I'll always be here. Waiting.
Now that that's out of my system....yeah. I dont think he'll read it. Ever.

Broken Hearted Fool That The World Forgot

He's gone. I...I dont know what else to say. He's gone. I did everything in my power to keep him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried. I really did. But he just couldnt do it. He didnt love me enough to stay with me, even though we live so far apart. I would have done anything. And the worst part is, I knew it was comming. My heart hurt all day yesterday. And just as i knew he was going to break it, I know that his parents are going to reconcider. And he'll want to come back to me. I dont know what I'll do when that happens. I love him so much, but yet I cant be hurt like this again. I just cant. I feel like someone just tore out my heart and smashed it into little itty bittiy pieces then wrapped it up in my memories of him and fed it to the devil. LOL Lizz says she'll get it back for me, but I dont know if I want it back. I cant just throw myself into this again. It'll kill me. I know it will. I promised him that this wouldnt, but it was a very hard promise to make. I was ready to die. I wanted to die. I just....*sigh*

This has happened before. With Terry. And Justin. And Jon. Now Jake. God, I just have some horrible luck dont I? But none hurt as bad as this does. Because none of them cared. Jake did. I think. I'm not even sure about that anymore. Because if he did care, then he would have tried to make it work, right? And he would have just kept going, the way we were, right? I dont know. Maybe. Maybe I'm just wishing for something that'll never come true. Because I care too much. Because I love him too much. I dont know. Before Jake, I was ready to give up. Now I really have given up on everything I hold dear. Which was him. Now its nothing.