Hurt

Its been one long day. I couldnt stop thinking about him. I sent him a text asking if last night really happened. Of course it did. Still, I was so hoping....Its amazing how I knew. I just knew that something was wrong. And I also know that he's gonna try to come back to me. I dont know what I'll do when that happens. Because this hurt more than anything. I feel so betrayed. Like he was just playing with me. But I know thats not the truth. He cares about me. He really does. But of course, there's another. She's close to him. She lives near him. And they have so much in common. I shouldnt be trying to hold on to him so much. I mean seriously, he deserves happiness just as much as anyone else. I've had my shot, and I blew it. I know its going to take a very long time for me to recover. We're all just very lucky that I didnt do anything stupid. I was going to, but he made me promise. I'm so tempted though. I...I dont know. I just hurt. I dont know how to describe it other than intense pain. I cant eat. I wont eat. It took me forever to go to sleep last night. Even then, I woke up every few hours going "Ugh, what is wrong with me?" I felt like a child again. I dragged the spare mattresss into the living room and snuggled up close to my grandma and cried and cried and cried. I didnt think I had enough tears in me to cry that much. I had promised myself I wouldnt let myself get hurt again. But, guess what, I did. Ugh! None of this is comming out right.
Jake, if you ever read this, know that I still love you. I will always love you. And I knew that the distance would tear us apart. If you really like this other *gulps* person, then go for it. I'm not going to stand in the way of your happiness. Its gonna take me a very long time to recover. But if you do decide to come back to me, I'll welcome you with open arms. I couldnt do anything less. I love you. Thats all there is to it. I love you. I just want you to be happy. Please, for God's sake, please be happy. Thats all I ask is for you to be happy. You mean too much to me. I dont want to be an obligation, a trial, or a regret. I WOULD kill myself if I became nothing more than a regret to you. I know, I'm rambling. I just have all these things I want to say to you, to make you see, but now its too late....I love you. If you want me, I'll always be here. Waiting.
Now that that's out of my system....yeah. I dont think he'll read it. Ever.