Drama That's Hard to Take

*sigh* I really wish he'd make up his mind. It hurts way too much for me to just sit here and wait. It takes all my strength not to text him, to give him the room he needs. And yet he still talks to me...it just confuses me. I cant heal if he doesnt make up his mind. I cant recover and move on without knowing, and thats kinda hard when he doesnt even know. I just want to know so I can either mourn the loss and move on, or forget about it and move on. But thats not gonna happen any time soon. He needs time. I understand this. But time is my enimy. Time hasnt been kind to me. And time just likes to fuck with my head.
I dream about him. I find something funny or interesting and my first instinct is to reach out, to share, but then I remember. I pull back. And I weep a little more inside. The pain has lessened, though. Well, it kinda had to, I have finals and court to worry about. But every time I look at his necklace, I remember, and another tear leeks out of me. It sucks. I dont want to be sensitive, god damn it! I want to be able to shrug it off. Or at least not be this bad about it. I mean for pete's sake, I'm acting like a child here. This isnt normal. But then again, when has my relationship with him ever been normal?
Mike doesnt have to go to school. He's getting the easy way out because of his 'medical' conditions. Bull shit! But of course, if I try to even get out of gym class for a moment, I get bitched at. And, I'm facing an in school because I get sick. To be honest I'm suprised I'm even going to school at all. Normally after this stuff I just want to sleep forever and never wake up. But of course I cant. I'll get shot by too many people.
All day today I was pissed. I just wanted to tear someone's head off, and I didnt care who. But as soon as he talked to me, all that went away. And its funny, because HE'S the one I was pissed at! I cant even muster up a good swear now. I'm just exausted, tierd, and in a way relieved. One more day he talked to me. Maybe there's hope? Maybe it'll be over soon? Maybe. Hopefully. Bah! Hope....no hope has ever helped me. I'm on my own. I just hope I can stand on my own two feet.