You know what? This stinks. I have totally lost him, because of my own stupidity. I had the biggest and most spectacular supervise for him, all lined up. then he breaks up with me. imagine a train slamming its breaks just in time to not hit a kitten and in the process getting all squished together. you know, like in those cartoons? yeah. that's my heart.
stupid me, I talked to him today. I knew I should waited longer. I wouldn't have said anything if I had waited longer. but no I told him about my plan at Christmas. my plan was that I was going to finish high school early and move down by him for the rest of the year. I'd still graduate from thorp, what I wanted, but I'd be living near him, what he wanted. I didn't want to tell him because if my plan went sour, it would just hurt him more. but no, of course, the ONE time I wished things to fail, they didn't. the car came through.
so now, I have a car and a half a year to look forward to of nothing. serves me right I guess. dumb ass me. nothing ever works out the way I want them to.
so what now? where do I go from here? what am I going to do? I guess my schedule will go back to normal, no scene in wasting brain cells by guzzling caffeine just to stay awake to do homework piles as big as Everest. at one time, I could have managed that. but my calculator got cold feet. *sigh* I just hurt, you know? things wont come out right. even when I'm freaking blogging!
I need to come up with a plan...numero uno is to STAY AWAY FROM MEN. and women. I don't think I'm gonna date for awhile. I know I know I've said that a bergillion other times. but I need to stick with it. otherwise I'll just get my heart shredded again. and this round through the wood chipper was not pretty.
I'm doing a lot better than I had been last time. last time it took me a week to stop crying. this time it only took what? a day? I think that was because I knew it was coming long before he did. I knew the night his parents said no that he'd break up with me. I had hoped, dreamed, prayed. and yet it still didn't.
I still love him. god damn it. I still love him. why cant I get him out of my freaking head? I love him.I think I always will. it just sucks that he's not mine now, you know? I am insanely jealous and envious of the next girl.
I want to think mean things. I want to say mean things. but I cant get myself to do it. no matter how hard I try I cant yell at him or even pretend to. why? because I think (hope) that he still-if he ever did-feels a fraction of what I feel. hell of a time to form a bond you know? sometimes I know when he's hurting. I can feel it. and it just makes my pain worse. Grrrr....
would someone, please, just put me out of my misery? I cant stand this...*sigh*
***note to him, I cant stay away forever, you know that. so if you ever read this, know that i really am open to talk. I'm sorry, i'm probably the most difficult broad you've ever met. but the next time you want to talk to me, txt me, and I'll be online as soon as i can. maybe we really can be friends. *sigh* because i don't want to lose you either.*
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