End Of May

This has been one rollercoster of a month. Breaking up with me in the beginning and then taping my heart back together at the end, Jake and I are in good graces for the moment. We just got off the phone (at 11:30 pm) and he's probably already half asleep. I felt the need to write. So, here I am.
Lots of firsts. My first party. Sucky. Beer tastes like shit. And I was scared and bord the entire time. Graduation, Finals, and matchmaking. Adam is being a duche to Jess, so I'm gonna have to rough him up.
Last day of school is the fifth. I'll elaberate more maybe tomorow, but for now I'm gonna sleep so I can go to Lizz's graduation.

Blarg: Episode 3

All right, my last post was just me venting. There are probably going to be many, many, MANY more where that came from, but oh well. I dont want to rant right now. I just want to write. I know that sounds really wierd, but oh well, its what i want to do so :P

I miss him, a lot. And I love him so much. But I know that he needed to do this. I knw that he needed to figure out what we had and if it was real. It hurts, knowing that, but at least he told the truth. And at least he still loves me. I think. I hope. I told him that I'd be unavailable for the next 2 weeks, or until he made his FINAL decision. I dont want to have to sit around and wait for him. I need to move on and get on with my life. I'm redoing my entire room, cleaning, looking for my new phone charger, but that's different. I'm smoking my second to the last cigarette, and organizing all my things. I do this when I'm upset, nervous, pissed or scared. Right now I'm all of the above.

I had court today. They didnt even help me. All it was was me pleading not guilty and then walking out. I just want this to be over with. Thank God they didnt tell me I couldnt leave the state. But I was just so scared. I had just hoped so much to get this over with but i guess fate doesnt want me to move on. She wants me to suffer.

Choice

What a son of a bitch! Fucking Fucktard! Asshole! Jerk! Wimp! Trader! Dickass! Ass Hole! Whore! How could he do this to me? How could he make me chose? Well I guess I shouldnt be acting like this. I mean he asked for the choice back, but I wouldn't let him. I didnt need him to stay with me because he felt that he was hurting me. It doesn't matter now. He's hurt me enough. I dont want to have anything to do with men anymore. It hurts too much.
But of course I have to hold on. Because He asked me to. I love him so much...thats why i let him go. Thats why I'm sitting here, at home, instead of in school, because I'm not ready to face the music yet. No, we're not going to the same school. Not even the same state. *sigh*

Drama That's Hard to Take

*sigh* I really wish he'd make up his mind. It hurts way too much for me to just sit here and wait. It takes all my strength not to text him, to give him the room he needs. And yet he still talks to me...it just confuses me. I cant heal if he doesnt make up his mind. I cant recover and move on without knowing, and thats kinda hard when he doesnt even know. I just want to know so I can either mourn the loss and move on, or forget about it and move on. But thats not gonna happen any time soon. He needs time. I understand this. But time is my enimy. Time hasnt been kind to me. And time just likes to fuck with my head.
I dream about him. I find something funny or interesting and my first instinct is to reach out, to share, but then I remember. I pull back. And I weep a little more inside. The pain has lessened, though. Well, it kinda had to, I have finals and court to worry about. But every time I look at his necklace, I remember, and another tear leeks out of me. It sucks. I dont want to be sensitive, god damn it! I want to be able to shrug it off. Or at least not be this bad about it. I mean for pete's sake, I'm acting like a child here. This isnt normal. But then again, when has my relationship with him ever been normal?
Mike doesnt have to go to school. He's getting the easy way out because of his 'medical' conditions. Bull shit! But of course, if I try to even get out of gym class for a moment, I get bitched at. And, I'm facing an in school because I get sick. To be honest I'm suprised I'm even going to school at all. Normally after this stuff I just want to sleep forever and never wake up. But of course I cant. I'll get shot by too many people.
All day today I was pissed. I just wanted to tear someone's head off, and I didnt care who. But as soon as he talked to me, all that went away. And its funny, because HE'S the one I was pissed at! I cant even muster up a good swear now. I'm just exausted, tierd, and in a way relieved. One more day he talked to me. Maybe there's hope? Maybe it'll be over soon? Maybe. Hopefully. Bah! Hope....no hope has ever helped me. I'm on my own. I just hope I can stand on my own two feet.

Maybe Not As Bad As I Thought

Huh....well this is confusing....He says he loves me, yet needs a break. I understand that. But he could have done it some other way instead of ripping me to shreds....

Hurt

Its been one long day. I couldnt stop thinking about him. I sent him a text asking if last night really happened. Of course it did. Still, I was so hoping....Its amazing how I knew. I just knew that something was wrong. And I also know that he's gonna try to come back to me. I dont know what I'll do when that happens. Because this hurt more than anything. I feel so betrayed. Like he was just playing with me. But I know thats not the truth. He cares about me. He really does. But of course, there's another. She's close to him. She lives near him. And they have so much in common. I shouldnt be trying to hold on to him so much. I mean seriously, he deserves happiness just as much as anyone else. I've had my shot, and I blew it. I know its going to take a very long time for me to recover. We're all just very lucky that I didnt do anything stupid. I was going to, but he made me promise. I'm so tempted though. I...I dont know. I just hurt. I dont know how to describe it other than intense pain. I cant eat. I wont eat. It took me forever to go to sleep last night. Even then, I woke up every few hours going "Ugh, what is wrong with me?" I felt like a child again. I dragged the spare mattresss into the living room and snuggled up close to my grandma and cried and cried and cried. I didnt think I had enough tears in me to cry that much. I had promised myself I wouldnt let myself get hurt again. But, guess what, I did. Ugh! None of this is comming out right.
Jake, if you ever read this, know that I still love you. I will always love you. And I knew that the distance would tear us apart. If you really like this other *gulps* person, then go for it. I'm not going to stand in the way of your happiness. Its gonna take me a very long time to recover. But if you do decide to come back to me, I'll welcome you with open arms. I couldnt do anything less. I love you. Thats all there is to it. I love you. I just want you to be happy. Please, for God's sake, please be happy. Thats all I ask is for you to be happy. You mean too much to me. I dont want to be an obligation, a trial, or a regret. I WOULD kill myself if I became nothing more than a regret to you. I know, I'm rambling. I just have all these things I want to say to you, to make you see, but now its too late....I love you. If you want me, I'll always be here. Waiting.
Now that that's out of my system....yeah. I dont think he'll read it. Ever.

Broken Hearted Fool That The World Forgot

He's gone. I...I dont know what else to say. He's gone. I did everything in my power to keep him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried. I really did. But he just couldnt do it. He didnt love me enough to stay with me, even though we live so far apart. I would have done anything. And the worst part is, I knew it was comming. My heart hurt all day yesterday. And just as i knew he was going to break it, I know that his parents are going to reconcider. And he'll want to come back to me. I dont know what I'll do when that happens. I love him so much, but yet I cant be hurt like this again. I just cant. I feel like someone just tore out my heart and smashed it into little itty bittiy pieces then wrapped it up in my memories of him and fed it to the devil. LOL Lizz says she'll get it back for me, but I dont know if I want it back. I cant just throw myself into this again. It'll kill me. I know it will. I promised him that this wouldnt, but it was a very hard promise to make. I was ready to die. I wanted to die. I just....*sigh*

This has happened before. With Terry. And Justin. And Jon. Now Jake. God, I just have some horrible luck dont I? But none hurt as bad as this does. Because none of them cared. Jake did. I think. I'm not even sure about that anymore. Because if he did care, then he would have tried to make it work, right? And he would have just kept going, the way we were, right? I dont know. Maybe. Maybe I'm just wishing for something that'll never come true. Because I care too much. Because I love him too much. I dont know. Before Jake, I was ready to give up. Now I really have given up on everything I hold dear. Which was him. Now its nothing.

Disaster Strikes

No, nothing happened to me. Yes, I'm fine. But my home ec. teacher Mrs. Swiggum has had a terrible disaster strike her family. Her house burned down last night in a fire that started in her daugher's room. She wasnt in school today, understandably, so a bunch of us decided to do somethign nice for her. You know, give back a little. We decided to raise money through random donations and a bake sale to be held next week. Its still a work in progress, but hopefully we'll be able to get enough money to at least help out with the tragedy. She even lost two cats in the fire. RIP kitties...

Forgotten Memories

This is another prompt (suprise suprise) that I came up with. After reading a part of Spirits blog, found at Written Whispers, I was appalled at the crimes that some commit on our dead. It made me think about my own hometown graveyard, and how people can be so disrespectful. A few months back, vandals had trashed the old part of the St. Burnard St.Hedwig graveyard. The part where all the original settlers of Thorp (hometown, dont ask) were buried. The headstones were all in Polish and German, and most were over 200 years old. And they were trashed. The damages added up over 12,000 dollars, and still not all were repaired because they couldnt find the living relatives. They even harmed my MOTHER'S stone...*growls, hisses* I was so mad. How could anyone do such a thing? And still laugh about it? If I ever find who did that to my mom's stone, I'll kill them. No kidding.

Opposites

This is a prompt that Spirit gave to me. At first I had no idea what to write, but then I started thinking about my relationships. My best friend...my family...my boyfriend. All of these people have the exact oposite personalities as I do.
My best friend Lizz for example. (see picture) she's very outgoing and...well, forcful with her opinion. And yet she and I are the best of friends. Sisters, even. We have been through so much together and we will be through even more in our lifetimes.


And then there's my boyfriend, Jake. He's so much smarter than me, keeps a level head in any situation that would normally break me. And yet, we love each other more than anything in the world.

So there's my blurb about opposites. They are a part of everyone's life, and a rather big part too. Just think about it, you'll notice more than you thought.

Random Things About Me

This is a 'tag' game that's going around blogger. I was tagged by Spirit of Written Whispers . So without further ado, enjoy!

1. If I want to look or feel special, I'll take a long shower and scrub my skin raw. Sometimes I'll go through a whole bottle of shower gel! Then, I'll get out my favorite shirt (which at the moment happens to be my bf's shirt ^_^) and my favorite jeans. I'll spray them with my favorite perfume, which I only have a little bit left of, and get out my makeup. It'll take me a good three hours, but I'll feel great. It always lifts my day.

2. I am very protective and loyal to my friends. If you want to mess with one of them, you have to go through me first. And believe me, thats not pretty. *growls*

3. I love pepsi. Pepsi is my drug. PEPSI!!!!

4. I'm trying very very hard to quit smoking.

5. I want to be a therapist when I grow up. I want to be able to help people, and I think that I'm gonna be one of the few who actually can help others.

6. I believe in magic, faeries, dragons, were-whatevers, and anything that most people would find weird or farytales. Trust me, they're real.

And now I pass this along to these six writer friends of mine, along with the rules:

Tagging Rules:
a. Link to the person who tagged you.
b. Post the rules on your blog.
c. Write six random things about yourself.
d. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
e. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment at their blog.
f. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

And I tag:

Saria

Akii Lee

Ponyboy

Essay Writer

Preetilata

Andi & Stien

Blah

Today was one hell of a day. In school we had Tug-of-War for Chaos for a Cause week, which is some organization that the student council does. Anyway, they had us on a tarp that was covered in cold water and soap to make it extra extra slippery. It was interesting. Then we had a test in Algebra, ho hum. When I went to work at 6 it was like Automatic Rush Hour. And, we couldnt keep up with the ice cream being sold! I mean my God, its only 57 degrees outside. :S I really don't get people. So now I'm just sitting here waiting for my boyfriend to call, if he calls. *sigh*

Blarg: Episode 2

My god so much has happened….I cant believe that there are only 20 days left of school! And that means that there are only 31 days until I see Jake again….hopefully, at least. I think that it’ll happen, because when he comes up this time, I’m going to be going back with him. But, first off.

Yesterday was exactly 2 years since my grandpa died. I had been having a really shitty day, crying all the time and just being miserable. I didn’t even eat today at lunch. I didn’t know why I was feeling so shitty until I got home and grandma said that she wanted to go visit the grave. Then it hit me.

I remember that day, vividly. Not as vividly as I remember the day of my mother’s death though. I know that it was a Sunday he died on. He had just seen the priest for the last time. He could barely talk….god It was so sad to see him like that. No one but me could understand him. I held his hand, and I remember he weakly grasped it, and said something about a windmill? That was my grandpa. You’d think his last words would be something like I love you or something, but no he was more concerned about his projects. I was sitting next to him as he died. I felt oddly calm about it. I stayed with his body until they shut off his pacemaker, which was making him jump and giving him shocks to try to bring him back. But we all knew that he would never be coming back. I saw my mom that night, in my dreams. She told me not to worry. Grandpa was fine, with his mom and brothers and sisters that had passed before him. I didn’t cry until almost six months after the fact, because I had to be strong for grandma and Michael. I remember going through his stuff. Everyone took what they wanted, and the rest was either burned or given away or packed in storage. His tools are still sitting in the basement, and his painstaking organization has all gone to waste.

Work

*yawn* wow, what a tiering day....work wasnt busy, just very hectic....we got lots of new people on the crew (if you dont know or havnt looked at my profile, i work at mcdonalds) and some of them are classmates from school...oh, the joy of that right? *grumbles*

Prom

All right this is a picture of me (right) and Jake (left) after prom. Don't we make a cute ass couple? ^_^

Writers Workshop Story

The first time

Written by Nicole Anderson

8^th hour Writers Workshop class

My foot beat a rapid tattoo onto the dirty tiles as I checked my watch for the third time.

“Almost time, just a few more minutes.” I muttered, and sighed as I sipped my Pepsi. It was a cold, brisk day in March, and school was out for Easter. The plans had started out simple and innocent enough.

I had been seeing Jake Lee for almost three months now, and though he lived in a different state, we had become closer than I had ever thought possible. So it only seemed logical to meet at the soonest interval, which happened to be over break. The plan was originally that I was to go see him, but my grandmother’s illness prevented my travels, so he abruptly changed plans to make it so that he would come and see me.

“Don’t worry, dear.” He told me over the phone. “Things will be all right.” The unspoken ‘I Hope’ still hung between us, but we gaily made our plans. He would be flying into Minneapolis, and from there renting a car to drive all the way to my little blurb on the map. The plan was to meet in an open space, and maybe get to know each other as physical people instead of just a voice or a few letters on a computer screen.

The bell tinkled again, making the adrenaline rush and my head jerk up in anticipation. But, as before, it was only one of the many local patrons.

“Refill, Sweetie?” the waitress Julie asked, casting me a sympathetic look. I smiled and nodded, thinking that I would probably have to go to the bathroom before the hour was over. She took my cup and refilled it, giving me a new straw as well, since I had shredded the one I was using into useless bits of plastic. To my surprise, she sat down across from me and smiled.

“Waiting for your man, I’m guessin?” she said sweetly, and I relaxed a little, giving her a tentative smile.

“Yeah, he’s coming here all the way from Missouri. He’ll be spending the week here with me before leaving again.” Julie nodded in understanding, and glanced back as the door opened again, grinning.

“Well I think your wait’s over, sugar. Here comes a sweet looking thang if you ask me.” I jerked my head up just in time to see him. Jake. He glanced around the room, and, finally spotting me, grinned as he walked over.

“Mind if I join you ladies?” he asked. The waitress grinned at me and stood, patting my shoulder as she disappeared into the kitchen. I was left alone with him for the first time.

Still grinning, he held out his arms for a hug. I sheepishly stood, and hugged him tight for the first time. It was brief, but well meant. He sat across from me and lounged in the booth, while I made myself smaller on my side. We sat in silence for awhile, just looking at each other.

“So….” he said, and I giggled, remembering our phone conversations. The waitress came back and we ordered our food, and I again got another round of Pepsi. I suddenly became self conscious: did my hair look right? Were my clothes too tight? How was my breath? Oh, gosh, would it be rude for me to go to the bathroom?

He must have sensed my distress, because suddenly I felt my pocket vibrate. It was a text message from him.

“Relax, love. I’m here.” We looked at each other and smiled. The tension faded, and conversation, laughter, and Pepsi flowed freely.

That was the first time I’ve ever met my boyfriend, Jake Lee. Looking back, we laugh about it now, how silly it was. But I know that on our next meeting it’ll be similar, just not as uptight. That night was one that will be etched in our minds forever. The night that we met for the first time.