blarg

i know its been forever since i last posted but i swear i have a good reason. things have been really nutso lately and i have just been out of it. i find that i dont want to do anything at all most of the time, just sit there and crochet or fall asleep. i dont know whats wrong with me but hopefully it'll go away with the new year.

Stress

You know, looking for a picture about stress actually made me MORE stressed. Ugh. Talk about a pain. Photobucket used to be such a good place to get pictures and stuff. Anyway....

Today I just realized the mountain of homework that I must have done by WEDNESDAY. I've been working for THREE HOURS and I havnt even made a dent. I suppose its my fault, for not going to school and such. I hope i can get everything done. I need to get everything done. If I dont, i wont graduate. Thats a scary thought.

Crochet Bug

All right, I suppose there really is no excuse for me not writing for EVER. But I got the Crochet Bug. I've been crocheting and working on projects for a long time now, seems like forever. I'm busy making gifts and stuff for the holidays, scarves and wryest warmers and stuff like that. And I've been sick, and I have been trying to go to the gym. I didnt go at all this week, ugh. Margaret is gonna KILL me.

Oh, 101th post. Happy Happy Joy Joy....

Happy Veterans Day

"Sing a song for unsung heroes, those who lay their dreams aside. Choosing honor more than glory, pledging faith with quite pride. Those who's uniform is courage, and are unafraid of tears. Finding in their love of freadom power stronger than their fears."

Today is Veterans day. A day where we celebrate all those loyal men and women who served for us in all the wars past. The above quote is from a song that I sung today during our Veterans Day Program. It was an hour long program, but I didnt mind because I thought it was beautiful. So I jsut wanted to wish you all, Happy Veterans Day. Make sure that you thank your local soldiers!

Senior Pix

Hey everyone! I finally got coppies of my Senior Pictures up onto my computer. Let me know what you think!

Update

Well its November. And NaNoWriMo is in full swing. Writers from all over the world are busy at their keyboards and using programs such as Q10 to hide their mistakes and such. Where am I? WAAAAAY back at the beginning. I havnt even started yet. *sigh* I dont know how.

Mike's home again, but I dont know how much help it did him to be in the hospital. Things havnt changed much, and I'm starting to feel that I went through all that troubble for nothing. Oh well. Everyone keeps telling me I did the right thing but i dont know. We'll see what happens.

Umm....Its already the end of the first semester, and I'm behind in all my major classes. I dont know how to catch up. *sigh*

Missing You

Missing You

Have you ever bothered to realize

How much you mean to me

I care so much for you inside

And miss you so deeply.

My mind is always curious

About the way things might have been.

As days go by, time goes by,

I look back once again.

All the time I held you in my arms,

I had the whole world right there.

There you were, comforting me

With all of your charms.

Every little kiss from you

Was like a dream come true.

This love that I have

Inside my heart

It all belonged to you!

Its funny, all those little things

I never thought I’d miss

Like all those conversations we had

Or the first time we kissed.

I guess that’s what I’m trying to say

Is that I miss you

And love you

More and more each day

It hurts me not to see you

Or know if you’re ok.

I want you to understand

That I loved you from the start

And I want you to know

No matter how many miles we are apart,

You’ll always hold

A special place

Inside my heart.

Dedicated to the love of my life, my true dragon mate, Jake Lee.

Meow

I have just finished sorta kinda cleaning my room and decided to take a break. After randomly browsing the internet and catching up on some other blogs, I’ve decided I should probably update my own.

A lot of things have happened. For one, the shock of getting back together with Jake has finally subsided. We’ve settled back into a steady routine, but I’m still trying to keep my distance so that I don’t get hurt again. I know that I love him and that he loves me, but I just cant take the pain I had gone through. If he ever, ever does something like that to me again, I’m just gonna cut him out of my life. I cant take that and I vow that I’ll stick to that promise.

College stuff is starting to come out and I’m already anxious to see if I can get the scholarships and grants I need to go to U W Stout. I still hope to follow Jake when he goes to college, and because of the fact that I need to basically retake my high school years over at a technical college so I’m sure I’ll do fine. I don’t know where he’s going to get accepted but I’ll go where he goes.

My little brother is in the hospital, due to my own intervention. It sucks because my family is pissed. But Mike really needed to go to the hospital. He was threatening his own life, my life, and our grandmother’s life. He has a lot of problems that I’m not even aware of and I hope that he gets the treatment he needs. At the very least I hope they require him to take his meds and his blood sugar so he can get that under control. He’s lost a lot of weight the past year and not in a very good way. I’m worried about him even though Jake cant see why. But Mike’s my little brother. We’ve gone through hell together and it kills me that I cant help him right now. *sigh*

I’ve gotten into crocheting and crafts as of late, and I just finished a bag in between all my other stuff. I’m going to be making Jess a baby blanket for her little baby boy Trystan. I think that’s how she’s gonna spell it….Anyway, in school I’m actally taking a class about it called Sewing. I just finished making, er sewing together, a body pillow and I’m going to be working on a watermelon pillow this week. I also have two stuffed animals, a bag, and a pair of pants I want to get done before we move on to other things. I think I should be able to get it all done because I’m pretty good at crafts.

Another thing that I’ve joined up for is NaNoWriMo. It stands for National Writers Month, I’m pretty sure. Its in November and I have to shoot out 500000 words by the end of the month. I’m not sure what I’m going to write about yet but I’m sure I’ll think of something soon. Maybe I’ll just write about my life, from start to finish. I’m sure that will take more than 200 pages if I go into detail…

Oh, my senior pictures came in. I should be getting coppies soon up on the internet, if the stupid photographer didn’t copyright them. I mean seriously, having a big RES stamped across my forehead wouldn’t be very good and I don’t have 300 plus to pay for the damn CD. Why would they even charge that much anyway? Hell if I know….now I’m just rambling. I should finish cleaning my room.

BTW, Brisinger is a cliffhanger. There’s gonna be a 4^th.

I Love Your Blog!

One of my bestest friends and sisters, Spirit, has awarded me with this great honor. Thank you, Spirit! I love you!!!

 

The rules are as follows:

1) Add the logo of the award to your blog
2) Add a link to the person who awarded it to you
3) Nominate at least 7 other blogs
4) Add links to those blogs on your blog
5) Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs!

And the blogs (or more so- the bloggers) I pick are:

Spirit: First of all, you are a WOUNDERFUL person and a SUPERB writer. I love you so much and I'm very glad to know you! You have no idea what joy you have brought to my life and how many times you have helped me.

Crystal: *grin* even though you don't even know me, I follow your blog very loyally. And you and I share a name! Well, sorta. I look up to you as a role model and I want you to know that no matter what anyone else says you are an awesome person. anyone who says any less are just losers.

Mandy: I just started following your blog and yet I feel very connected to you. You and I are very similar in a lot of the things we do and how we react to things. Our only differences is age.

Keiyou: Ah, Kei. I feel like I know you even though I've only spoken to you so few times. Spirit talks of you often and calls you sister which automatically makes you my sister as well. Plus, you are a wounderful artist. AWESOME really. ^_^

Akii: TEE HEE! You are my sister. You and I share a longer history than anyone else that we know and we've made it through thick and thin. We will always be there for eachother. Even though sometimes it doesnt seem like it.

Saria: Again, the sister that fate forgot to give me. I love you girl, and I already love baby Triston even though he's currently beating you from the inside out. I'll be here for you whenever you need me, you know that full well.

Jo: Even though we havnt spoken in AGES, I still concider you one of my close writing buddies and a friend. I love your blog, your layout, and even your mysterious ways on facebook XD

 

Note: Real blog entry coming, I PROMISE!!!

Euphoria?

So a few hours ago I decided that I'm going to try my hand at some meditation. Specifically, aura clensing. I want to try to do things the RIGHT way, so in order for me to do anything else I have to clense my aura. Either something went really really good or really really bad because i fell into a tranceish like sleep and i just woke up from it. And I think something's wrong with Jake. AGAIN. That boy can so not stay out of troubble...*sigh* if I lose him right after I got him back, I dont know what the hell I'll do. That is deffinately too much for my broken heart.

I've gotta be dreaming...

All right, so last night I told Jake about what some of what happened with Terry. He got all upset, said he didnt believe me and went to dinner. When he came back I had just sent him a message saying I was going to take a shower, so he told me I should. I took my shower and came back for Spirit to message me and be like "you must stay calm, he's in a very delicate position." My mind's going :O SAY WHAT?!

After his mind blowing experience, what ever the heck that was, he wanted to call me. I let him, and we talked for awhile. Finally he said, "Nicole, Will you take me back?" my heart stopped. I mean seriously, stopped for like a second. And then he started rambling about something or other. I'm still at the Will you take me back thing. I have to be dreaming....

All right, first things first, in my previous post i typed 'shittles' instead of 'shitless'. That should attest to how scared I actually was. But the danger has, thankfully, passed with me still here all but a little worse for wear.

Second, I'm approching 100 posts soon. Wow. I never thought that I would be writing that much. But I am nowhere near where my friend Spirit is, with her 200-odd posts and random stories. It just means that I have a competition at hand :D

Third, a post will be comming soon. This is just basically a filler post because i have nothing better to do at the moment and am prolonging the inevitable shower. *sigh* i hate being cold and wet it makes me feel like a helpless kitten :(

i'm scared shittles. today was pumpkin fest, a thing that almost every town does, and i saw terry. my ex. my frist ex. the one who raped me. i'm scared. he kept following me and i called out to jake and he didnt answer me. im on my own now. i'm scared.

something is wrong. i can feel it in my heart. something is really, terribly wrong. i think its jake.

General

Well, many things have happened since my last entry. My mouth is much better and I can finally eat solids again *munches on chips* I saw Gadabo, and he gave me a note so that I can get a cheeper price for the local gym. I intend to work out and lose about fifty pounds, and I may as well get off my ass and start doing something. Timbers called me back today, so I'm not totally sure if I got the job or not, concidering the fact I was not home at the time. I wont know until tomorow probably, or maybe even Monday as Pumpkin Fest is on Saturday.

While I was with Gadabo, I mentioned that Mike has been acting up a lot even more so than usual. I desccribed a series of events, Including the incident where he thretaned my life, and Gadabo said that it would be best if Mike were hospitalized. The only problem is, Grandma doesnt want him gone. He would have to stay AT LEAST until December, and i dont think she realizes the severity of his problem. I also talked to Deb, my counceler about it and she agreed. We may have to bypass grandma. It is not something that any one of us wants to do, but may have to happen in order for Mike to get better. When he does leave, and I seriously think it will happen, then I think that I will sage and stone the house. In other words, bless it and clense it. It may help in his healing.

I have also begun to take pictures for the Yearbook. As I do not have pictures from prom, and that was the only thing she has graded us on, I am technically failng in the class. But fear not, because I figure that I will be able to bring my grade up pretty quick.

Umm....what else....oh! I started reading Brisinger, which is why I havnt written in awhile. I dont think that anyone really reads my blog anyway, but meh. Who cares right? Anyway, brisinger is a very good book. I cant wait to see what happens to Eragon.

Last night I slept for the first time in days. I didnt sleep for very long or very well, but I slept. And I think that that's an improvment.
My lip prevents me from eating now though. When they numbed me up for the root canal, I bit a big hole in my cheek without knowing. So now I'm kinda screwed for the next week or two until the damn thing heals. I try to eat but it doesnt really work. It hurts too much. *sigh*
Tomorow I have an appointment with Dr. I Have No Idea What You're Talking About. His names Gadabo or something, but he's one of those that I cant understand a word he's saying. And what I do understand is about Michael. Michael Michael Michael. The kid that tried to kill me a few times and wants to see me dead. Everyone wants to help him. But when i need help I better just shut the hell up.
Three days until I talk to him again. I have a feeling that that'll be the last time. *sigh* he is just too confused and I dont need to be waiting around for him forever. I love him dearly, but this is rediculous. I developed the pictures. I didnt look at them, just got them developed. And then I put them back in the box. I took out the CD he made me, and listened to it. It helped me stay calm while they were working on my teeth. Isnt it wierd that I still find comfort in the one man that hurt me the most?
I supose I should go clean my room, grandma has been yelling at me to do so for weeks now. I applied at Timbers, a bar and grill in the neighboring town. I think they'll hire me, for now at least. Mostly because they're desperate. Its wedding season and they're booked until Thanksgiving. At least it'll be a job for awhile. Suposedly I'd be making good tips. I guess after that I could go and try to ask for my job back at McDonalds. I'm just to broken right now to hold a steady job. I dont do much good anywhere. *sigh*

There was another threat on my life today. Mike tried to kill me because I wouldnt mow the lawn. *sigh* Now he's threatening to kill himself over grandma not making him a sandwich. What am I suposed to do? Maybe I should just let him. There is nothing in this world left for me. Nothing.

To make matters worse he told me that Jake hates me. Doesnt want to have anything to do with me. Used me as a fuck buddy until he could find another piece of ass. That hurts....No matter how much I dont want to believe it, the words still hurt. I want to die.

Sleeplessness In Wisconsin

And yet another sleepless night for me. *sigh* On the 22nd of September Jake and I had a conversation. It was decided that he needed some time alone, as if I didn't exist. So, we parted, with the understanding that on the 1st of October we would speak again. Now I am starting to doubt even that.

I was in the emergency room yesterday for hyperventilating. I haven't eaten or slept much since that day. Why? Too much damn stress! I wish that I didn't love him as much as I do, then maybe it would be easier for me.

I'm going to go and take a sleeping pill and hope to god that it works. I have to go to the dentist in the morning and I am dreading it.

crap

Well, I just hid his things. The earrings and necklace from the first time we met. The ring from the second. The two shirts he gave me, and the one he bought me. Plus the many pictures and CD he sent me. I've decided that I'm going to keep the blanket once I make it. Why not? It is my school colors.

It just sucks, you know? I miss him so much and I know that he's not coming back. But at least i know that he'll be happier, eventually. And I think that someday maybe he'll be ready to love me again. I know that this was too fast for him. And I'm very proud of myself for acting so well about it. I'm healing better this time, mostly because I was expecting it.

New development: I got fired from McDonalds. *sigh* so now, I have no job, no way of feeding my family, and no support. Perfect.

a random ramble...what do you know....

You know what? This stinks. I have totally lost him, because of my own stupidity. I had the biggest and most spectacular supervise for him, all lined up. then he breaks up with me. imagine a train slamming its breaks just in time to not hit a kitten and in the process getting all squished together. you know, like in those cartoons? yeah. that's my heart.

stupid me, I talked to him today. I knew I should waited longer. I wouldn't have said anything if I had waited longer. but no I told him about my plan at Christmas. my plan was that I was going to finish high school early and move down by him for the rest of the year. I'd still graduate from thorp, what I wanted, but I'd be living near him, what he wanted. I didn't want to tell him because if my plan went sour, it would just hurt him more. but no, of course, the ONE time I wished things to fail, they didn't. the car came through.

so now, I have a car and a half a year to look forward to of nothing. serves me right I guess. dumb ass me. nothing ever works out the way I want them to.

so what now? where do I go from here? what am I going to do? I guess my schedule will go back to normal, no scene in wasting brain cells by guzzling caffeine just to stay awake to do homework piles as big as Everest. at one time, I could have managed that. but my calculator got cold feet. *sigh* I just hurt, you know? things wont come out right. even when I'm freaking blogging!

I need to come up with a plan...numero uno is to STAY AWAY FROM MEN. and women. I don't think I'm gonna date for awhile. I know I know I've said that a bergillion other times. but I need to stick with it. otherwise I'll just get my heart shredded again. and this round through the wood chipper was not pretty.

I'm doing a lot better than I had been last time. last time it took me a week to stop crying. this time it only took what? a day? I think that was because I knew it was coming long before he did. I knew the night his parents said no that he'd break up with me. I had hoped, dreamed, prayed. and yet it still didn't.

I still love him. god damn it. I still love him. why cant I get him out of my freaking head? I love him.I think I always will. it just sucks that he's not mine now, you know? I am insanely jealous and envious of the next girl.

I want to think mean things. I want to say mean things. but I cant get myself to do it. no matter how hard I try I cant yell at him  or even pretend to. why? because I think (hope) that he still-if he ever did-feels a fraction of what I feel. hell of a time to form a bond you know? sometimes I know when he's hurting. I can feel it. and it just makes my pain worse. Grrrr....

would someone, please, just put me out of my misery? I cant stand this...*sigh*

 

***note to him, I cant stay away forever, you know that. so if you ever read this, know that i really am open to talk. I'm sorry, i'm probably the most difficult broad you've ever met. but the next time you want to talk to me, txt me, and I'll be online as soon as i can. maybe we really can be friends. *sigh* because i don't want to lose  you either.*

jake hates me

he's gone. his parents hate me. he hates me. i knew it was gonna happen. i felt it. and yet i cant stop from crying. cant stop from hating myself. i do. i hate myself.

Trust

through the years
my heart has bled
wishinf for
the lies you said
and now, we are alone
and my fears reenter
my unsuspecting mind
you smile, almost predatory
and i wince back into the shadows
you said you'd be there
but you weren't
i placed my life
within your hands
and you threw it away
without a glance
your hand is on my sholder
your breath in my hair
i know what you want
but with sin comes forgiveness
forgiveness:trust
and that is something
you must earn back

Seems

The time is past

When I was to meet you

You never came

And I didnt expect you to

But it still hurts

This pain is familiar

And my mind relishes it

Told you so

But you just wouldnt listen

I come home to find

You tried to call me

Excuses, excuses

They mean nothing

This was the last time

But no more

Seems to me that I have grown up

And now I have a life to live

Sorry, Dad

I just cant wait for you

Anymore

Scared of You

this feeling
i dont like it
trembling
i hate it
why now?
why not then?
hurting
i dont like it
jumpy jittery
i hate it
why do you torment me?
but you are my past
present
and future
and i hate it

Safe

So hopeful

So peaceful

As I open my eyes

And become aware of my surroundings

Your lips trail to the mark on my neck

The one you made

Your arms around me

Holding me closer, tighter

You whisper passionate wants

Eyes dancing, fingers finding

My body responds immediately

And inwardly, I smile

As I realize

You're mine

Dedicated to the love of my life, Branth (Jake)

Competition

Running through the trees
Trying to catch your breath
You hear the footsteps fall softly
Matching you step by step
Your lungs burning like hell's fire
But your brain refuses to comply
You stumble, trip and hit the ground
Then you get up and you fly
You fly with the wings of 100 angels
Still you hear the steady footprints
Following you closely
Finally, you turn around
To challenge the maker of your fears
But to your surprise,
There is no one there.

Holding On to Me

The truth behind the lies

The fault behind the blame

I see you there, Liar

Shining in your fame

The glory of the lights

The power behind the fear

Liar

While I shed my tears

Holding onto truth

Holding onto my past

I see you there, Liar

You said you'd be there

I try to catch my falling star

But the dust falls through my bones

Liar

You said you'd come home

I see you there

With all your precious dreams

And I'm left alone

Holding onto me

Come In From The Cold

He is lonely
I can see it in his eyes
He is hurting
I can feel it in his touch
Help me bring him back
Back to the warmth
Help me call him home
Home from the darkness within

He fears everything and nothing alike
He sees demons in every corner
He is hurting
Hurting, hurting so much

Help him see the light
And fear darkness no more
Help him see
That we're his family
And we love him, more than life itself

Angel's Wings

I feel you near me once again

Your breath stirring my hair

I smile subconsciously,

And close my eyes

To see you there

Your arms held out to me

Your lips as soft as a Feather's

Your gown trailing softly

And your hair is long and parted

And then I open my eyes

And immediately I feel the loss

But I'm still smiling mom

Still wearing your cross

Ablility

Save me from myself

From my pain, my purpose

Help me to become

What I need most

No, it doesn't matter

My life for yours

A fair exchange

I think

Care for me

Share with me

And hold me above water

My destiny

A Plea To Adults

Parents of the future generation
Listen up
We have a tough time in school
With friends, parties
And the Opposite sex
So we dont need to be nagged at
Once we do come home

Our rooms are sacred
Our only safe haven in our screwed up lives
And our music is not bad
We've heard worse
Yours

Please dont rat on what we wear
Have you seen the mall?
There's not much there

And if we walk in sporting a new piercing or tattoo
Please dont ground us for life
We're already regretting it

So get used to the heart on our sholders
And dont worry
Not all of us are bad
So dont worry
Let us, Come to you.

Jake

This is just an update of my relationship with Jake. Things are all right now, I think, and we're hoping that his parents reconsider not letting us see eachother during his birthday. We figured out that I am NOT dependent, as defined in text books. We're just close, that's all. I love him, very very much. It is obviously hard to imagine my life without him, but its not impossable. Therefore, I am not dependant on him.

Oy!

Oh, shit. I just found out something about my relationship with Jake that I swore would never happen. I became dependant on him. Fuck!

I don’t know how it happened. He and I were talking last night and it came around to what if something was to happen to us. If taking a break would be good for us right now or not. I said that I would not hold him back if he wanted to take a break, but I wasn’t sure if I would take him back. He asked me why, and I said it was complicated. I tried to explain, I really did. The way I explained it was this:

To me, Jake is everything. He is the air I breathe and the water I drink. He is the food I eat and the thoughts I think. Imagine if a piece of you were torn out, left jagged and rough. It wouldn’t be able to heal because you wouldn’t know if the piece that was torn away were coming back to you or not. So it would just stay jagged and torn, never healing. That’s what a break would be like. And that’s not something I could do because I couldn’t handle it. Its either we're together or we're not. There is no in between. And as I was saying this, I realized exactly what I was saying.

Jake means too much to me. That’s not what I wanted. That’s not what I needed. And now I’m scared because I don’t know what to do. I can’t continue to be so dependant on him because that wouldn’t help either of us. But the only way I know how to fix it is to lose him. And I’m not ready for that either. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. Because I really do think that he and I are meant to be together. I think that he is my soul mate, my life mate. Or as spirit describes it, my ‘twin flame’. We’re too connected to become ‘just friends’ and too connected to just drop each other totally. But I think I’ve found a solution.

Now that I’ve realized this problem, it can be fixed right? I mean, it’s not too late and I can figure out why this happened. I think it’s because I don’t have enough self esteem. My older brother always tells me that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. And that is very true. Two halves don’t make a whole when it comes to relationships. You must be whole unto yourself, and bring what you have to the table so that your strengths balance out the other’s weaknesses. But how do I love myself? I’ve spent a good part of my life hating myself, despising what I am and what I’ve become. This is so not what I wanted to be like in high school.

When I was little, I had this impression of me as this beautiful girl, walking down the hallway with friends all around me. I thought that I’d be the one to keep the peace between the preps and jocks and other groups. But as I got older, that impression faded into nothingness because I realized that I could never be that thin pretty popular girl in my dreams. Still, I think I still held onto it in the back of my mind. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to bring it up now right?

Another thing is the fact that I never received any compliments as a kid. I didn’t get the whole ‘good job’ thing from my mom and dad. I didn’t know how to act as a little girl. I knew how to act as a little boy because I had a little brother. But when I started school, wait. Scratch that. That’s not right.

I remember that when I was in kindergarten, I got along great with my classmates. I made friends immodestly, and we would all share things and such. I remember that I would always be lending out my crayons to people. I was always the last person in line because I wanted to be. I remember that I hung out with kids like Shayla and Lindy. Two kids that became the most popular kids in my class. But that all changed when in 3^rd grade I went to the catholic school.

When I went to the catholic school it was like stepping into a whole new universe. Immediately I reached out for people that I didn’t recognize, thinking that maybe if I surrounded myself with them I could find friends. But that didn’t work, because the one other person in my class that was new already had friends. So I began to read a lot, and pulled back into myself. I remember I lied a lot. Attention, I guess? I’d lie to try to get out of assignments. I remember that I got caught one time, when I told my teacher that I didn’t get my homework done because I had to follow my mom to the emergency room. My mom was so mad at me, and I stopped lying. As much.

I still lie sometimes, I know. It’s something that comes easy to every human being. But I try to stick to the truth as much as possible. To be honest, I can’t remember the last time I lied.

Anyway, I think that’s when I became so enclosed. I would always read. And then when my mom died in March 2001, I drew into myself even more. I would hear my grandma say things about herself like ‘I’m so stupid’ and ‘I should just die’ and I would start to say the same things. Pretty soon, I believed them. Things like ‘I hate myself’ became part of my every day vocab. My grades slipped even farther than normal. I went from a B-C student to a C-D student almost over night. I just didn’t care. All I cared about was my books and my writing.

Then I remember, I met my sister. Elizabeth Radzinski. We met over Pokémon cards, I know. My first impression of her was ‘jez, what a snob!’ because of the way she dressed that first day of summer math class. But pretty soon we became close friends to the point where I was inseparable. With her, my confidence in myself boosted a little bit. But she created other flaws. See, she didn’t have that much. So I was always giving her. Food, shelter. Clothes, money for gas. It wasn’t her as much as her mother, Karen. Through them I think, I turned my compassionate nature against myself.

I entered high school, a little bit better than I was in grade school but I still hated myself. I thought myself as ugly, stupid. Then a boy named terry McClure stared paying attention to me. We started dating, and I soon thought myself as in love. But that was the farthest from the truth anyone could get.

In reality, my relationship with terry just deepened my dissatisfaction with myself. He would call me a whore, and I would believe him. He would say that he was the only one that would ever pay attention to me, and I believed him. I would believe anything. I would do anything. It got to the point where I wouldn’t wear anything but turtleneck long sleeved shirts. Baggy. The baggier the better. I stopped writing, a mistake I still regret to this day. He didn’t like something, so I cut it out. Even my best friend. He didn’t like her because she saw what I couldn’t see. And she tried to get me out of it. I just couldn’t see reason. He loves me, I would say. He really does care, he even uses a condom. ‘But he rapes you every night!’ she’d yell. It was mutual, I’d say. I’d deny rape until I turned into a junior.

I think that my relationship with him is what really fucked me up the most because of what he did to me. Things that I’ve never spoken of with anyone. Not even Lizz. Never Jake.

First Day of School...

Well, actually, thats tomorrow. But I'm still dreading it. I mean seriously, where did my summer go? What happened to all the things i wanted to accomplish? Like the losing weight and the re-painting my room? What gives?

And, to top all that off, I recetly found out that we're selling our house. Again. Grandma cant handle it financially so we have to move to something smaller. Still three bedroom probably, but with less room in each. And we're going to be reduced to one bathroom again. *shudders* But maybe we'll get a better tub. Its been forever since I've had a good soak in the tub.

But, back to the original subject...school....

How could it creep up on me like this? I swear, my summer just had barely enough time to wave at me before it was gone. And, we're further into debt than we were before hand. How flipped up is that? I am trying very desperately to get more hours at work, even though I hate it there. I'm cutting down on everything, including my beloved Pepsi *cries again*. But I suppose I knew it would come to this. I mean, seriously. Even when we first moved in I said it was too big of a house. Now grandma is FINALLY agreeing with me. It also means that I'm going ot have to get rid of a lot of shit. Mybe even my cats...*sigh* I dont know how much more of that I could handle. I lost baby when I moved into town. I cant lose Kira. I just cant. She means the world to me and I to her. How am I suposed to betray her after she has put her live in my hands?

Also, Jessica moved in with us. actually, Jessica plus one. She's pregnant. I told her that it would happen, warned her, begged them to use protection. But they of course didnt listen to me. And now, she's stuck with David's child. And guess who has to take care of them? ME! Jessica really isnt no problem at all, because she helps around the house and all that good stuff. David, on the other hand, is a pain in my ass. I just wish that he would go away and leave us alone.

Love of My Life

Right now, I feel so very loved by my boyfriend Jake. On Friday, I got a package from him. It contained a camera, a book, and a CD he made for me. I immediately popped it in the CD player and sat and listened. The first song was an instrumental, and about thirty seconds in he started talking to me. The first time he scared the crap out of me! Then I listened to him. Oh, he was so sweet! I had tears in my eyes at the end, and felt like I should give him a huge hug. as it was I thanked him profusely for the wonderful gift. I love him so much, its hard to even voice it sometimes. And I have a feeling that I will be spending the rest of my life with him....I sure hope so. I love you, Jake.

The Count Down

Wow, so many count downs. 19 days till school starts. 57 days until I see Jake. And today was his first day of school. Lovely, eh?

Lets see all the changes. Hmm....Well, just about an hour ago I changed my hair color. XD I made it darker. I remember that once Jake told me that he liked my hair that way......I also started making preparations for school. Haven't gotten my school supplies yet but I'm planning on getting them some time this week. Which means either tomorrow or Friday.

I also just finished the Twilight Saga. Suprizingly, it was very good. I'm not going to say too much about it because I know a few people who whould bite my head off before they got to read Breaking Dawn, but I can relate to Bella quite a bit. I mean, she's clumsy. She tries to keep good grades, but cant seem to get the hang of it. She doesnt think she's pretty, but yet she's attracted the most beautiful man in school. How lucky can you really get? She loves Edward with her whole heart and soul, and he loves her back. Thats how I feel about Jake. He means the world to me. Admittedly, I don't think that he sparkles (though when he gets out of the shower his hair is pretty shiny XD) nor am I dependant on him for anything (as proven before) but I do feel very strongly about him. He means the world to me. I love him, and I never want to let him go. But I will, if he wants me to. I wont put him through something he doesn't like. I hate seeing him in pain.

Thats the other thing I wanted to write about. Him. My Jake. He's been having doubts again, and that worries me. Though he tells me that it is not like that, that he wont make the same stupid mistake, and yet we still talk about what would happen if we broke up 'for awhile'. That is something that I dread. I seriously hope that he can hold on for just one more year. Then it wont matter. We'll both go to college, together.

I don't think I've ever talked about what I want to go to college for. I want to be a Psychiatrist, with a major in Journalism and Literature. My dream is to some day be able to help others with problems similar to mine. And to write books about my life, as well as Romance novels. Locally (if I'm still in Wisconsin) I want to go to UW Stout. My other choices are Chicago, Mississippi, and Kansas City. Though, I'll follow where ever Jake goes. Because I plan to basically re-take my high school credits, just to prove to any perspective college that I can do it. I can succeed.

Poetry

First written Aug. 22, 2007

You were always there for me,

even when I couldn't see you

I felt you.

I've loved you since the moment I met you

In another world

But now we are appart

and I cry for you every day

but at night,

I see you in my dreams

And i know that Someday,

Someday,

we will be together gain.

For my long lost Love,

Hopefully,

We will walk hand in hand,

Once again.

 

Written in dedication to my first lifemate, Salaron.

Blarg: Episode 6

Well, my dedicated readers, let me first apologize. I am so sorry that I have not been able to write for the past MONTH now, and I promise it wont happen again. Things have been very complicated-not to mention hectic- and hopefully my life has calmed down somewhat.

Now, where to start? Hmm....well my grandmother has been doing ok. She is on oxygen almost 24 hours a day now, and I am really starting to worry. Its because Mike is smoking in the house! We all know it. But trying to enforce rules on that child is like trying to move a brick house with a tricycle. It aint gonna happen! We are hoping that when he goes to this school he gets the help he needs. He is supposed to be going to a special school in Eau Clare or Chippawa. What it is is a school in the morning, with classes and such, and then counceling in the afternoon. Hopefully we can also get him to bard there during the week, because lordy does he need it. He needs dicipline, badly. I dont know what else to say about that. I mean we're all scared shitless of him. He's so much bigger than us...But he's not taking care of himself. He has diabeties. And of course, he wont take his blood sugar when he should. Nor will he eat like he should. Or even get the proper sleep as he should! What are we suposed to do? Just sit by and let him die? He's my little brother. I will not let that happen.

Aaanywhoo, What else? Oh, yes. Jake and I  are doing wounderful. All though, we do miss eachother more and more each day. It hurts not being with him, and sometimes I feel like there is no hope for us. But then I talk to him. Hear his voice. And it helps me get though another day without him in my arms. I love him more than anything else in the whole world. And some day, I hope to be with him forever.

Used, Abused, and Abandoned

All right, here's the deal. My best friend Lizz lives 45 miles away in Marshfield, so we dont get to se eachother that often. Her friend Heather has just got her licence, so she's been taking Lizz to see me. But the only problem is that Heather is asking for money when she comes. The first time, she asked for $40. The second time she asked for $30. Now she wants $20. I dont know what to do, because I want to see Lizz. But we dont have the money to be spending. We're barely getting by. Even Lizz thinks its rediculous but what can she do? Its the only way she can come and see me. *sigh* i dont know what to do. I'm so frustrated right now I could just scream.

Bullshit...

All right this is bullshit. I just got done renting movies from the local gas station, right? Simple enough task. And I guess that there was a late fee, ok thats fine. So we went there to try to find out what was going on. My grandma paied almost fifty dollars, when the movie itself cost ten. Then the lady went on to BITCH about how they couldnt get a hold of us, they were just going to call the cops but they couldnt because they couldnt find the number, blah blah blah. I apologized, and gave them my number and driverslicence and stuff. But she wasnt done. She stood there, for about a half hour, bitching at me for not returning a movie that I DIDNT EVEN RENT. Explain that one to me?

And I Saw Him...

I cant believe it....I actually got to see him....I was in his arms...for four days....my gosh....

From Thursday, July 3 to Sunday, July 6th I was in Iowa, visiting my boyfriend Jake.  I got up at 5 AM and left at 5:45 AM. I traveled until 11:25 AM, when I finally arrived in Mason City, Iowa. I remember getting off the bus and getting my stuff, moving them to the sidewalk. I had seen a glimpse of him through the window, and my heart did a flip in my chest and landed in my belly where it thudded loudly. Then, I saw him coming around the side of the bus, and he broke into a jog. I ran to meet him, and we hugged each other tightly, whispering how much we missed each other. We drove for hours, getting lost twice. He held my hand the entire time and I loved it.

Finally when we got to his grandparent's place, I was greeted in a flurry of hugs, handshakes, and sodas. He carried my stuff upstairs and showed me where I would sleep, then we went downstairs and had sandwiches. His grandparents had to go somewhere, so we were left alone for a few hours, and we went to go eat at a pizza place. Too bad I was allergic to the pizza XD.

Overall, I had the best time of my life. Four wonderful days in his arms. The hardest thing I ever had to do was get on that bus and watch him drive away. I miss him so much. I love him so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. If he'll have me.

Blarg: Episode 5

 

Well, my dear readers, finally the countdown is once again close. In ten days, I will be in his arms again. Ten days, and I will be sitting with him at his grandparent's place. Ten days. And I'm fucking terrified. 

I know I shouldn't be. I mean, we've seen each other before. But it’s the resistance that we are meeting that is driving me bonkers. His parents hate me. They really do. I don't care what he says they think of me, they hate me. Because of what I did. I gave him hickeys. And, I'm not the little church girl that they imagined him settling down with. *sigh* he thinks that they'll come around-eventually. I think that maybe his dad, but I'm not sure. I mean, I respect parents. We had this conversation last night. I respect parents more than anything else in the entire world. I don't have a mom. So someday, I was hoping to go shopping with his mom. You know, if this relationship were to work out. Which we both think it will. But I have a feeling that it’s going to be very difficult. His mom said that if we're still together in about 4 or 5 years she'll be behind us. But, we're only 6 months into our relationship.

I love him with all my heart. I feel like I found the one person that respects me as I should respect myself. He's helped me so much in so many different things. My confidence has soared since i met him. And my feelings for him grow with each passing day. I'm just afraid of his parents, and what they could do to us. They could split us up at just a whim. Or, at least, try. He’s told me that he won’t let that happen again. Let’s just hope.

In other news, my little brother is being a dick. He won’t do anything around the house except moan and groan and play computer games. He won’t take his blood sugar, which is the most important thing in the world. He could die if he didn't take his blood sugar. But I don't think he realizes that. Or maybe he does and doesn't care.

Court is coming up soon. This Thursday, in fact. Basically what we're going to do is reiterate what we came up with in the beginning of the month. i'm going to be paying a fine for the disorderly conduct, which was a bogus charge in the first place. But i just want this over with so what ever.  I don’t much care anymore.

Um, lets see….what else has been going on….well, I’ve been sick. Because of my damn tooth. I had a root canal awhile back, I’m not even sure exactly when. The pain is starting to subside (thank God) and I’m finally able to function normally again. I still sleep more than I probably should, but what ever. Its summer, so who cares?

Yeah I still work at McDonalds. Though I haven’t worked for awhile, actually. I work this weekend for a few hours before I go to see Jake on the 3^rd. So I’ll have a little spending money. Grandma doesn’t know if she’s going to be able to give me any money when I go.

I know I know I just finished talking about this but I need to spit this out. I’m afraid of the trip back because I have a 4 hour layover in the cities. *shudder* I hate people. And I’m afraid of what might happen to me while I’m there. Granted, I have a 45 minute layover on the way there, but that’s just 45 minutes. I can handle that. *sigh* yeah, long entry. I’m done rambling now.

The Countdown

Well, this is it. Slowly approching. I'm going to see Jake on the 3 of July. Got the tickets and everything. Counting down the days. Hours. Minutes. God I hope his grandparents like me. I keep thinking I'll screw up. And I'm scared. What if I say something wrong? What if I miss my bus? I...I dont know....Grandma's still trying to convince me not to go. I want to go. But I'm scared.

Old Assignment

my writers workshop teacher is making us write a story from another person's point of view on an event in history. an important event, at least to the writer. so i chose the death of my mother. if you do not like sad stories, do not read any further. this story is from my grandmother's point of view.

At one point in everyone’s life, you realize that reality is not all fun and games. Your dad is not the strongest man in the world, nor is he the bravest, nor is he invincible. Your mother does not make the best food in the world, and she’s not superwoman. Your grandparents are not immortal. Actually, nothing really is. Usually you find this out at an age where it doesn’t come as quite a shock. When its much easier to understand what’s going on around you, and when you can cope with the reality. Unfortunately, I did not have the luxury. I am here to tell you a story. Not just any story, but one that is very dear and important to me. I will say here and now I will not tolerate anyone making fun of me for writing this because I refused to become part of the ‘norm’. The story I am here to tell you is that of my mother’s. And about the day she died. This is my story, but from a different point of view. My mother’s mother, my grandmother, has allowed me to tell you the story from her standpoint. My name is Regina Rogalski, and I have just turned 80 years old. I have raised four generations of children, including the grandchildren that are now living with me. My husband, Chester, just passed away not three years ago, and his death is still a blow to my heart. But I shall never forget the day that my baby girl died. Sandra. She was my youngest, you know. Born five years after my son. We didn’t think she was going to make it, but miraculously she pulled through despite the odds. Oh how I loved to watch my children run and play and work, always doing something. They would help their father, my husband, with anything that he asked them to.
We lived out on a farm, about three miles out of town here. Chet built everything on that place with his own two hands, including the house, the sheds, and the barn. The children helped him along the way, of course, when they were not going to school.
The years past, and I watched as my little babies grew into fine adults. My two oldest married off at a young age, and I thought Sandi would follow suit. But instead, always the different, she went and got pregnant. Mind you that I love Patrick with all my heart, but she was very young. Very, very young. And the young boy who got her pregnant wanted her to have an abortion. Certainly not! Not on my watch. Boy I tell you, that boy was run out of town by my husband and his brothers faster than you could say Dupa.
So she had her first child. A boy, Patrick Rogalski. A fine young man with an amazing personality, and always got himself into trouble, not unlike his youngest sibling now. Eventually, Sandi went and got married to a man named Howard, though I did not approve.
“Watch yourself, Sandi,” I said, “That man will turn on you someday. I don’t have a very good feeling about him. You know that I’m right.”
“Oh, don’t worry mom. Howie’s a very nice man. And he’ll be a big help out on the farm, bringing in big money from the trucking business.”
Well, even with my disapproval, we had a quiet wedding out at the farm in springtime. Nothing fancy, just the close family and a few friends. Low and behold, not a year later, my Sandi was pregnant again. This time with a girl, whom also gave us quite a scare. Nicole Regina Anderson, born on Valentines Day, 1991. Sandi was about twenty nine by then, and her boy was about 13. Later, two years after Nikki’s birth, Sandi had another boy, Michael.
Right according to my words, that Howard did nothing good. Yes he was trucking, but his money was going up in smoke, if you know what I mean. And poor Sandi was supporting three kids all by herself. Naturally Chet and I stepped in. We took in the kids and had them live in the house, and they knew that as home. Sandi and Howie lived in a trailer not five feet away, and the kids would go over and play with the cats or something, just to spend some time with their momma.
Those were the happy days. The kids were going to the catholic school, and Patrick had just graduated from high school. Sandi was having some problems with her heart around that time. But it was nothing unusual for this family. I mean, the kids got a double whammy from Chet and I because on my side we have cancer, lung disease, heart disease, and cholesterol. Chets family had that and more, so it was expected that the kids would have problems. Our oldest daughter, Marie, was diagnosed with Diabetes at a very young age. Our son, Ronny, had stomach and problems due to alcohol poisoning at a young age. And Sandi. Well, Sandi was hypoglycemic, meaning she had to have sugar on a regular basis or else she’d pass out. So, yes, she had problems, but nothing we couldn’t handle.
But that day was…different. My Sandi had called in the middle of the night to tell me not to put the kids on the bus. She wanted to take them to school. Which was fine with me, it was always a fight to get the kids up so early. But it was unusual for her to call to tell me. Usually, I’d see her in the morning, before the bus came for the kids. But that day was different. She was later than usual, the bus had been long gone by the time she came home. She came into the house, and she looked tired. Exhausted, really. She came in and she went to stand by the sink, like she normally did. The kids were eating, and my granddaughter Nikki went to stand by her mother. Sandi and I stared talking about the news, the weather, and the kids’ health. I noticed she kept stroking Nikki’s hair, as if she was trying to comfort her. Nikki obviously didn’t mind nor notice, so I decided not to say anything. Then she said something that I wish I would have acted on:
“Mom, I’m having chest pains again. Nothing happened today at work, but when I went out to the car I almost passed out. I was so scared, mom. I think that my shunts are closing up again.”
I told her to go to the emergency room, but she refused, smiling like she always did and assured me it was probably nothing. I’ll never forget that conversation as long as I live.
Well, Nikki was bugging Sandi to do her hair, so Sandi took her into the living room to fix the pigtails that she insisted on doing herself. I helped Chet with his breakfast, wished the kids a good day at school, and watched my daughter leave with her children. That was the last time I saw her alive that day.
The rest of the day went by uneventfully. I did my cleaning, watched my game shows, talked to my kids on the phone. And then Sandi called me, after she had come home from dropping the kids off. That was unusual, because usually she just came over to talk to me. But we talked anyway, and she told me about things that usually a mother wouldn’t be worried about until her children were out of high school. She told me that if anything were to happen to her, she wanted Patrick to have legal custody of his brother and sister. I laughed it off and told her she wouldn’t have to worry. But she insisted on telling me, and said that she went to change her will last week. She was scaring me. My baby, talking about death? That was unheard of.
Eventually I calmed her down, and she told me to call her to wake her up an hour before she had to go pick up the kids. I told her I would, and we said good-bye.
“I love you, mom. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me.” She said before hanging up. I was worried about her, but I knew that she would only get mad at me if I tried to interfere. So I just shrugged it off, and went about my day. That was the last time I ever heard her voice.
Looking back on it now, I realize what she was doing. She was setting everything right, to the best of her capabilities. Howie wasn’t fit to take care of the kids, hence the reason for the whole Patrick having custody. And other tings such as the will and calling her old friends.
Well, the day went by, and soon it was two hours before the kids were to be picked up from school. I called, no answer. I called again. And again. And again. Still no answer. I began to worry. I kept calling, for a half hour. No answer. Finally I sent Chet over, to see if she was all right. And when he walked into the house again, I knew.
Oh, my poor baby. My poor poor baby. She was so young. Too young. Chet came into the house, white faced, shaking. I helped him sit down, and he put his head in his hands. He told me,
“Reggie, she’s cold. She’s so cold. I couldn’t wake her up. And the cats were going crazy…” I remember gasping, and running over to see for myself. Sure enough. There was my daughter, my youngest daughter in her bed. She looked like she was sleeping. Just sleeping. The cats around her, protective. I touched her. And I knew. My daughter was gone.
The rest happened in a blur. I called 911. They came, and I told them that my daughter was cold. I held hope that maybe she’s not dead. Maybe she’s just really sick. But as I watched them bring her out of that trailer, her head covered, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I started sobbing, I could barely hear what the medical examiner had to say. Three hours, he said. Three hours she’d been gone. They went back in, and tried to go through her things. Chet went nuts on them, grabbing her purses and her things. They were thinking a suicide. Suicide! My Sandi? Don’t be ridiculous! She had three children, two of which were still in grade school! Then I thought of it. Oh, my god! The children!
Almost robotically, I called my daughter in law at Industrial Fab. I told her to get Ronny, and to come home. She kept asking me what’s wrong, what’s wrong? I couldn’t tell her over the phone. I just told her to come home, quick. She did. And I had to tell them. After that, I barely remember much. I must have told Jill to go and get the kids from school as Ronny took control of the situation. He called Patrick, who also came running. Then the coroner was there. He asked if I wanted an autopsy. I said I did, but then Howie was there. He didn’t want an autopsy, and he was her spouse. He had final say over my baby’s remains. He wanted her cremated, immediately. Then he left.
And then my grandchildren were in my arms. I was holding them close. My two youngest grandchildren, my babies. All I had left of my Sandi. Nikki, oh she took it hard. She cried and cried. Mikey really didn’t get what was going on until later, when he asked where his mommy was. Nikki slapped him and ran outside, and I stared crying again. I don’t think I’ll ever cry that hard again. My Sandi. My baby.
After my interview was over with her, she was crying. I decided that it was enough, that I had enough for my essay. I hope that you understand the seriousness of this essay, and what It means to me. Thank you for listening. Bless.

Ugh

Its the middle of the night and I cant sleep at all. I woke up with my right ear hurting like hell and my tooth screaming at me for asprin. I didnt get to bed until after midnight because Jake and I were on the phone. *sigh*
The day before yesterday we had our first fight. It was sorta stupid, because I should have laied off. I'm not going to say what the fight was about, but lets just say it was dumb. Yesterday, tensions were running a little high between him and I. Things worked out in the end, but still. I know that he's worried about me now. I've been really sick as of late. In fact, I'm always sick. And he worries about me. Worries about us. What if I never totally get better? What if he's stuck taking care of me someday? I don't want that for him.
All day yesterday I was really sick. My stomach hurt like hell and everything. So I went to the emergency room. I had O.D.ed myself on pain pills for my tooth and ear. Not on purpose, mind you. It was a build up over time. So the doc's like 'no more pain pills for today and tomorrow you can have two every three hours' I'm like WHAT?!?! Can you see I'm in PAIN here?!!?! UGH!!!

Happy Friday the 13th!

lol I just realized what day it was!

Finally, a Breakthrough!

Well, its finally been settled. The 3-6 of July I will be with Jake in Iowa. His grandparents live there, and its a good middle ground. After dragging their feet, his parents finally decided to give us a little win and I'm gobbling it up. I cant wait! I'm already counting down. 19 days. 19 days until I'm in his arms again.....*fantasizes*
In other news, my kitty got fixed. My Kira wasnt too happy to go to the vet and she practically jumped into my arms when I went to get her the next day. Now, though, her stitches are starting to get infected. I'm starting to get worried. But the vet says its all right. So what ever.
Well, I'm out of school now too. It feels so good to sleep in! I sleep until about 11 and then i get up and watch tv or clean or something. No hurry. No rush to get to somewhere. No gotta do gotta go. And its GREAT! I have to admit I will get board in about a month, but for now its awesome!
I should be moving though. I mean i have a very very ambitious goal to lose 50 pounds this summer. Not doing so hot as of now. I've actually gained 5 pounds instead of lost. I know that it doesnt matter to my boyfriend or my friends, but it matters to me because I want to look good. I have all these friends who are little skinny twigs and are beautiful and I cant even look good in a dress. I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel proud when my boyfriend shows his friends and family pictures of me. I hate the way I look. I hate my stomach, my arms, my legs, and how whatever I seem to do the weight just wont come off. I hate myself. I really do. I hate myself.

Dentist

Ugh I hate dentists. I'm in so much pain right now because of this stupid tooth I don't know what to do. And its not even the tooth he told me would give me problems. Its the third from the last, and man does it hurt! It feels like he took a jackhammer to it instead of that little drill thing. *sigh* if it still hurts like this tomorrow, I'm going to have to call him. He probably screwed up. I told him to just use the silver fillings, but noo. He had to use the White fillings. So now I'm in intense pain...ugh!

The Past

Don't ask why I decided to write about my past. But i just felt like it. So if you don't like it, tough toolies. I need to vent.

Childhood

My childhood wasn't anything really special. I lived on a farm, in the middle of nowhere, with my grandparents and brothers. My mom and dad lived in a trailer still on the property, but Howard (bio dad) didn't want us to live with them, so we lived with grandma and grandpa. My little brother, my grandmother, and I shared a bedroom until I was about 8, when my older brother graduated from high school. Then I got his room, I wasn't very thrilled though. It was another 3 years before I could sleep in there by myself, and another 4 years until I could sleep without a night light.

Before I was ten, my life was pretty normal. Living in the country meant that I had a lot of space to run around in, and when I was little I used that to my full advantage. Rain sleet or show, I was outside playing pretend of some sort. When sickness held me indoors, I watched Disney movies over and over until they were imprinted on my brain. As I grew older, I developed a love for the written word. My first book was Hop on Pop, lol. I moved up very quickly on the reading scale, reading at a 4th grade level at grade 2. but my spelling wasn’t exactly up to par, and without spell check, it still wouldn't be.

Then, when I turned ten, a disaster struck my family.

I remember that day…March 29, 2001. I had just turned 10, and my mom and dad had gone to California for awhile to see my dad’s mom. She came back with loads of presents for me, and wanted to be in every picture around. This was strange, because usually my mom was very camera shy.

That day, she came home from work late. She didn’t look too good, but I didn’t notice much. I was too busy chattering about the field trip the next day, excited to go to the zoo. She was talking to grandma about her chest pains, and how she couldn’t lift much because of them. My mom was always in the hospital for something or other. Her first open heart was when she was 25 for Pete’s sake! As she talked to my grandmother, she helped me fix my hair into two ponytails. She gave me a note for the next day, and took us to school.

“I’ll pick you up after school, rugrat.” She said, kissing me on the forehead. That was her pet name for me. Rugrat. But that was also the last thing she said to me.

Later I found out that she went home and talked to grandma for awhile longer, before calling her best friend and then going to sleep for awhile. She had told my grandma to wake her up when it was time to get us kids from school.

Hours passed. Around two, grandma called. No answer. She called again. Still no answer. After about four more tries, she sent my grandpa over. He found her in her bed, with her cats surrounding her, almost protectively. So she basically had fallen asleep and never woke up.

That day, at around two thirty, my aunt came to the school. She had been crying. I asked her where was mom, and she teared up and said, “Sleeping.” Mike said something like figures, or was it me? We went to McDonalds, a real treat at the time, then went to her house. An oddity. We never went to her house. I asked her, “What’s wrong Aunty Jill? Is it grandpa? Grandma?” she shook her head no and said wait and see.

All too soon the phone rang. Grandma wanted us to come home. So we grabbed our happy meals, and made our way out to the farm. We went through the back door, and there was someone sitting in our kitchen that I didn’t recognize. I hurried to my room and threw my stuff on the bed. Patrick, my oldest brother, came in through the garage just as I was exiting his former room. He swooped me into a hug and moved on. Grandma called us all into the living room, and Uncle Ronny was there. She, grandpa, Patrick, Uncle Ronny and Aunt Jill wrapped themselves around Mike and I.

“Mumma died.” Grandma whispered, and my heart stopped. What?

“Is this some joke?” I said in disbelief. I wanted to scream and run to the trailer, see for myself. I was only held tighter and grandma said no, and she started to cry. I knew she wasn’t lying.

How could she leave me? How could she! How DARE she! When I needed her the most? I asked myself questions like these over and over as I cried and cried and cried. Mike didn’t understand, he was only 7 at the time. He cried for maybe ten minutes, then started playing with his toys. I remember asking myself: how could he? When our worlds had just fallen apart?

I ran into my room and cried some more. Phone calls were being made, and family began filling the house. I was asked if I wanted to make any calls. I didn’t have any friends at the time, but I called Melinda anyway. I told her what happened, and hoped she would tell the rest of the class. I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next week passed in a blur. The funeral was hell. People that I didn’t know where hugging me and crying, saying I looked just like her. I ran out at one point, not able to handle the stress anymore. Patrick followed, and held me while I calmed down. I wore new clothes that we had gone to The Cities to get. A real treat. But I didn’t care. I just wanted my mom back.

.......to be continued

Last Day Of School

I'm in study time, which is basically homeroom. There are a total of 7 of us here, not including the teacher. I had just finished my Art final, and I think I did well. Today we had to take Kira in to get fixed. Poor Kira, she was so scared. And pissed. Every time I would put my hand near her cage, she'd stick her paw out and scratch me! But oh well, I understand. I bet she thought I was taking her back to the pound. Not on her life! Hell no! Never! That place was crazy! But I am worried, because of her weight. I don't know why she's so skinny. I mean, I feed her everything all the time. She will eat any type of human food possible.
Last night was kinda boring. I didn't really do anything, at all. I just sorta watched Stardust and slept. I dont know why, but I haven't been up to much lately. I just feel so tired all the time, like I just want to sleep, but cant get to sleep. Its so frustrating.

Blarg: Episode 4

A lot of things have happened in the past few days, and its only Wednesday! I know I haven't been very loyal with writing in my blog, and I hope I can get everything out before we have to go back to the gym. I'm in my Healthy Lifestyles class, and I just finished my essay/final thingy. Very boring. Basically just 3 pages of me ranting about what I've done in the past, and then finally my concluding paragraph answers the question. I hope that he gives me an A though. I really need to pass this class. And all my classes.
School is coming to a close very quickly. Tomorrow is our last day, and I have finals all day long. Today, this is the last final i actually had to do anything for. 5th and 7th hours I already took. So I'm thinking during 5th hour I'll maybe blog some more, and 7th I brought in a movie to watch. Stardust. Its is such an AWESOME movie.
All right, on Sunday was Lizz's graduation. I was going to go, I swear. I was ready and rearing, we even went to Marshfield and everything. But we didn't know where the school was. And I came down with heat stroke. Lovely, huh? So we ended up going home, and I napped for like three hours. Actually, a nap sounds pretty good right about now....Anyway, Lizz called me from her new cell phone, and we talked for like 10 minutes. I'm HOPING to have her come up this weekend for June Dairy Days. Its just the local carnival, but it may be the last chance I get to see her before she starts college. Oh, gosh, I cant believe she grew up already! It seems like yesterday we were talking about our stories, dragons, fairies and faes.
Then later that night, Jake called and we talked for awhile. the subject of this summer came up, as it usually does. I told him that I had set aside the 18-25 for him, to go wherever. My grandma still wasnt too thrilled about the idea of me going ANYWHERE, let alone to Iowa to meet his grandparents.
Time passed, with fuzzy details and boring classes. Jake finished yesterday (lucky son of a bitch, :P) and I also had to talk to the lawyer yesterday about the Easter Incident. The conclusion we came to was that the Criminal Damage to Property would be dismissed, since grandma didn't send anything in. But the Disorderly Conduct charge would not be dismissed. So I had a choice: Jail or fine? *weighs them out* I took the fine. Up to $600 worth. They're gonna let me have a payment plan, but still. thats A hell of a lot of money! I don't have that kind of money! That was the bad news. Good news is, Jake's parents came through and he talked to his grandparents about this summer. Kink in the line: the time I set aside may not work. Bummer, because I wanted to see him before court. I wont know for sure until tonight when I get home, but he's thinking about July. July will be our 6 month anniversary. Yesterday was our 5th. He really wants me to come for that, the first two weeks of July. I'm not so sure because I have to work in July. Ugh. I hate working. But now of course I have to.
At least its certain that I'm going to see him. I can't wait. I'm counting down the days. Again, like I was with prom. 14 days until the 18th, which is what I'm still hoping for.

End Of May

This has been one rollercoster of a month. Breaking up with me in the beginning and then taping my heart back together at the end, Jake and I are in good graces for the moment. We just got off the phone (at 11:30 pm) and he's probably already half asleep. I felt the need to write. So, here I am.
Lots of firsts. My first party. Sucky. Beer tastes like shit. And I was scared and bord the entire time. Graduation, Finals, and matchmaking. Adam is being a duche to Jess, so I'm gonna have to rough him up.
Last day of school is the fifth. I'll elaberate more maybe tomorow, but for now I'm gonna sleep so I can go to Lizz's graduation.

Blarg: Episode 3

All right, my last post was just me venting. There are probably going to be many, many, MANY more where that came from, but oh well. I dont want to rant right now. I just want to write. I know that sounds really wierd, but oh well, its what i want to do so :P

I miss him, a lot. And I love him so much. But I know that he needed to do this. I knw that he needed to figure out what we had and if it was real. It hurts, knowing that, but at least he told the truth. And at least he still loves me. I think. I hope. I told him that I'd be unavailable for the next 2 weeks, or until he made his FINAL decision. I dont want to have to sit around and wait for him. I need to move on and get on with my life. I'm redoing my entire room, cleaning, looking for my new phone charger, but that's different. I'm smoking my second to the last cigarette, and organizing all my things. I do this when I'm upset, nervous, pissed or scared. Right now I'm all of the above.

I had court today. They didnt even help me. All it was was me pleading not guilty and then walking out. I just want this to be over with. Thank God they didnt tell me I couldnt leave the state. But I was just so scared. I had just hoped so much to get this over with but i guess fate doesnt want me to move on. She wants me to suffer.

Choice

What a son of a bitch! Fucking Fucktard! Asshole! Jerk! Wimp! Trader! Dickass! Ass Hole! Whore! How could he do this to me? How could he make me chose? Well I guess I shouldnt be acting like this. I mean he asked for the choice back, but I wouldn't let him. I didnt need him to stay with me because he felt that he was hurting me. It doesn't matter now. He's hurt me enough. I dont want to have anything to do with men anymore. It hurts too much.
But of course I have to hold on. Because He asked me to. I love him so much...thats why i let him go. Thats why I'm sitting here, at home, instead of in school, because I'm not ready to face the music yet. No, we're not going to the same school. Not even the same state. *sigh*

Drama That's Hard to Take

*sigh* I really wish he'd make up his mind. It hurts way too much for me to just sit here and wait. It takes all my strength not to text him, to give him the room he needs. And yet he still talks to me...it just confuses me. I cant heal if he doesnt make up his mind. I cant recover and move on without knowing, and thats kinda hard when he doesnt even know. I just want to know so I can either mourn the loss and move on, or forget about it and move on. But thats not gonna happen any time soon. He needs time. I understand this. But time is my enimy. Time hasnt been kind to me. And time just likes to fuck with my head.
I dream about him. I find something funny or interesting and my first instinct is to reach out, to share, but then I remember. I pull back. And I weep a little more inside. The pain has lessened, though. Well, it kinda had to, I have finals and court to worry about. But every time I look at his necklace, I remember, and another tear leeks out of me. It sucks. I dont want to be sensitive, god damn it! I want to be able to shrug it off. Or at least not be this bad about it. I mean for pete's sake, I'm acting like a child here. This isnt normal. But then again, when has my relationship with him ever been normal?
Mike doesnt have to go to school. He's getting the easy way out because of his 'medical' conditions. Bull shit! But of course, if I try to even get out of gym class for a moment, I get bitched at. And, I'm facing an in school because I get sick. To be honest I'm suprised I'm even going to school at all. Normally after this stuff I just want to sleep forever and never wake up. But of course I cant. I'll get shot by too many people.
All day today I was pissed. I just wanted to tear someone's head off, and I didnt care who. But as soon as he talked to me, all that went away. And its funny, because HE'S the one I was pissed at! I cant even muster up a good swear now. I'm just exausted, tierd, and in a way relieved. One more day he talked to me. Maybe there's hope? Maybe it'll be over soon? Maybe. Hopefully. Bah! Hope....no hope has ever helped me. I'm on my own. I just hope I can stand on my own two feet.

Maybe Not As Bad As I Thought

Huh....well this is confusing....He says he loves me, yet needs a break. I understand that. But he could have done it some other way instead of ripping me to shreds....

Hurt

Its been one long day. I couldnt stop thinking about him. I sent him a text asking if last night really happened. Of course it did. Still, I was so hoping....Its amazing how I knew. I just knew that something was wrong. And I also know that he's gonna try to come back to me. I dont know what I'll do when that happens. Because this hurt more than anything. I feel so betrayed. Like he was just playing with me. But I know thats not the truth. He cares about me. He really does. But of course, there's another. She's close to him. She lives near him. And they have so much in common. I shouldnt be trying to hold on to him so much. I mean seriously, he deserves happiness just as much as anyone else. I've had my shot, and I blew it. I know its going to take a very long time for me to recover. We're all just very lucky that I didnt do anything stupid. I was going to, but he made me promise. I'm so tempted though. I...I dont know. I just hurt. I dont know how to describe it other than intense pain. I cant eat. I wont eat. It took me forever to go to sleep last night. Even then, I woke up every few hours going "Ugh, what is wrong with me?" I felt like a child again. I dragged the spare mattresss into the living room and snuggled up close to my grandma and cried and cried and cried. I didnt think I had enough tears in me to cry that much. I had promised myself I wouldnt let myself get hurt again. But, guess what, I did. Ugh! None of this is comming out right.
Jake, if you ever read this, know that I still love you. I will always love you. And I knew that the distance would tear us apart. If you really like this other *gulps* person, then go for it. I'm not going to stand in the way of your happiness. Its gonna take me a very long time to recover. But if you do decide to come back to me, I'll welcome you with open arms. I couldnt do anything less. I love you. Thats all there is to it. I love you. I just want you to be happy. Please, for God's sake, please be happy. Thats all I ask is for you to be happy. You mean too much to me. I dont want to be an obligation, a trial, or a regret. I WOULD kill myself if I became nothing more than a regret to you. I know, I'm rambling. I just have all these things I want to say to you, to make you see, but now its too late....I love you. If you want me, I'll always be here. Waiting.
Now that that's out of my system....yeah. I dont think he'll read it. Ever.

Broken Hearted Fool That The World Forgot

He's gone. I...I dont know what else to say. He's gone. I did everything in my power to keep him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried. I really did. But he just couldnt do it. He didnt love me enough to stay with me, even though we live so far apart. I would have done anything. And the worst part is, I knew it was comming. My heart hurt all day yesterday. And just as i knew he was going to break it, I know that his parents are going to reconcider. And he'll want to come back to me. I dont know what I'll do when that happens. I love him so much, but yet I cant be hurt like this again. I just cant. I feel like someone just tore out my heart and smashed it into little itty bittiy pieces then wrapped it up in my memories of him and fed it to the devil. LOL Lizz says she'll get it back for me, but I dont know if I want it back. I cant just throw myself into this again. It'll kill me. I know it will. I promised him that this wouldnt, but it was a very hard promise to make. I was ready to die. I wanted to die. I just....*sigh*

This has happened before. With Terry. And Justin. And Jon. Now Jake. God, I just have some horrible luck dont I? But none hurt as bad as this does. Because none of them cared. Jake did. I think. I'm not even sure about that anymore. Because if he did care, then he would have tried to make it work, right? And he would have just kept going, the way we were, right? I dont know. Maybe. Maybe I'm just wishing for something that'll never come true. Because I care too much. Because I love him too much. I dont know. Before Jake, I was ready to give up. Now I really have given up on everything I hold dear. Which was him. Now its nothing.

Disaster Strikes

No, nothing happened to me. Yes, I'm fine. But my home ec. teacher Mrs. Swiggum has had a terrible disaster strike her family. Her house burned down last night in a fire that started in her daugher's room. She wasnt in school today, understandably, so a bunch of us decided to do somethign nice for her. You know, give back a little. We decided to raise money through random donations and a bake sale to be held next week. Its still a work in progress, but hopefully we'll be able to get enough money to at least help out with the tragedy. She even lost two cats in the fire. RIP kitties...

Forgotten Memories

This is another prompt (suprise suprise) that I came up with. After reading a part of Spirits blog, found at Written Whispers, I was appalled at the crimes that some commit on our dead. It made me think about my own hometown graveyard, and how people can be so disrespectful. A few months back, vandals had trashed the old part of the St. Burnard St.Hedwig graveyard. The part where all the original settlers of Thorp (hometown, dont ask) were buried. The headstones were all in Polish and German, and most were over 200 years old. And they were trashed. The damages added up over 12,000 dollars, and still not all were repaired because they couldnt find the living relatives. They even harmed my MOTHER'S stone...*growls, hisses* I was so mad. How could anyone do such a thing? And still laugh about it? If I ever find who did that to my mom's stone, I'll kill them. No kidding.

Opposites

This is a prompt that Spirit gave to me. At first I had no idea what to write, but then I started thinking about my relationships. My best friend...my family...my boyfriend. All of these people have the exact oposite personalities as I do.
My best friend Lizz for example. (see picture) she's very outgoing and...well, forcful with her opinion. And yet she and I are the best of friends. Sisters, even. We have been through so much together and we will be through even more in our lifetimes.


And then there's my boyfriend, Jake. He's so much smarter than me, keeps a level head in any situation that would normally break me. And yet, we love each other more than anything in the world.

So there's my blurb about opposites. They are a part of everyone's life, and a rather big part too. Just think about it, you'll notice more than you thought.

Random Things About Me

This is a 'tag' game that's going around blogger. I was tagged by Spirit of Written Whispers . So without further ado, enjoy!

1. If I want to look or feel special, I'll take a long shower and scrub my skin raw. Sometimes I'll go through a whole bottle of shower gel! Then, I'll get out my favorite shirt (which at the moment happens to be my bf's shirt ^_^) and my favorite jeans. I'll spray them with my favorite perfume, which I only have a little bit left of, and get out my makeup. It'll take me a good three hours, but I'll feel great. It always lifts my day.

2. I am very protective and loyal to my friends. If you want to mess with one of them, you have to go through me first. And believe me, thats not pretty. *growls*

3. I love pepsi. Pepsi is my drug. PEPSI!!!!

4. I'm trying very very hard to quit smoking.

5. I want to be a therapist when I grow up. I want to be able to help people, and I think that I'm gonna be one of the few who actually can help others.

6. I believe in magic, faeries, dragons, were-whatevers, and anything that most people would find weird or farytales. Trust me, they're real.

And now I pass this along to these six writer friends of mine, along with the rules:

Tagging Rules:
a. Link to the person who tagged you.
b. Post the rules on your blog.
c. Write six random things about yourself.
d. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
e. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment at their blog.
f. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

And I tag:

Saria

Akii Lee

Ponyboy

Essay Writer

Preetilata

Andi & Stien

Blah

Today was one hell of a day. In school we had Tug-of-War for Chaos for a Cause week, which is some organization that the student council does. Anyway, they had us on a tarp that was covered in cold water and soap to make it extra extra slippery. It was interesting. Then we had a test in Algebra, ho hum. When I went to work at 6 it was like Automatic Rush Hour. And, we couldnt keep up with the ice cream being sold! I mean my God, its only 57 degrees outside. :S I really don't get people. So now I'm just sitting here waiting for my boyfriend to call, if he calls. *sigh*

Blarg: Episode 2

My god so much has happened….I cant believe that there are only 20 days left of school! And that means that there are only 31 days until I see Jake again….hopefully, at least. I think that it’ll happen, because when he comes up this time, I’m going to be going back with him. But, first off.

Yesterday was exactly 2 years since my grandpa died. I had been having a really shitty day, crying all the time and just being miserable. I didn’t even eat today at lunch. I didn’t know why I was feeling so shitty until I got home and grandma said that she wanted to go visit the grave. Then it hit me.

I remember that day, vividly. Not as vividly as I remember the day of my mother’s death though. I know that it was a Sunday he died on. He had just seen the priest for the last time. He could barely talk….god It was so sad to see him like that. No one but me could understand him. I held his hand, and I remember he weakly grasped it, and said something about a windmill? That was my grandpa. You’d think his last words would be something like I love you or something, but no he was more concerned about his projects. I was sitting next to him as he died. I felt oddly calm about it. I stayed with his body until they shut off his pacemaker, which was making him jump and giving him shocks to try to bring him back. But we all knew that he would never be coming back. I saw my mom that night, in my dreams. She told me not to worry. Grandpa was fine, with his mom and brothers and sisters that had passed before him. I didn’t cry until almost six months after the fact, because I had to be strong for grandma and Michael. I remember going through his stuff. Everyone took what they wanted, and the rest was either burned or given away or packed in storage. His tools are still sitting in the basement, and his painstaking organization has all gone to waste.

Work

*yawn* wow, what a tiering day....work wasnt busy, just very hectic....we got lots of new people on the crew (if you dont know or havnt looked at my profile, i work at mcdonalds) and some of them are classmates from school...oh, the joy of that right? *grumbles*

Prom

All right this is a picture of me (right) and Jake (left) after prom. Don't we make a cute ass couple? ^_^